Alex 12th Birthday???

As much as I would LOVE to come on here and say Alex had an amazing birthday last week, I would be lying. 

He had a great morning and a great day at school but sadly by the time dinner rolled around you could clearly tell something was bugging him. 

We had dinner at my parents (which is normal) he choose ribs, caeser salad and corn on the cob! He choose a chocolate poke cake for his cake and he wanted to go swimming. 

Swimming was a no go, it was way to chilli to actually get wet (our weather has been crazy here the last 2 wks)

The entire evening was full of stress, whining and unfortunately some yelling. I only have so much patiences when it comes to kids being rude and disrespectful. 

We had dinner and that went well, then came cake time. Here the best picture I was able to get 

No smile, no fun and as we sang he faught tears. (I asked numberious times what was wrong only to be snipped at that "nothing" is wrong. 

Then came presents. 

That's it's  folks. That's the most excitement we seen all night. 

After cake I was outside having coffee with my parents and that's when I broke down. I know damn well what his issue is, same one Dalton had 2 months ago. His Father! 

Here's the twist (which I still feel bad about)

This time he did text, as we were walking out the door for the bus. I waited to answer cause I wasn't sure how I wanted to approach it (or if I would correctly). 

I responded with he's already left for school. Then I waited, and pondered, and waited, and stewed and finally I had to ask

" I know I shouldn't but can I ask why??? Why now? Why today? Are you trying to fuck everything up? You have had no contact for 4.5 months and you pick today???" Is the text I sent 

The responses was a typical blame me for everything cause he's done nothing wrong (ever). It was along the lines of, well I didn't call for Dalton's and you bitched about it, am I suppose to just skip all 3??

This is where I get my back up!  And I flat out told him 

"I'm not discouraging you from calling or communicating with any of the kids, I'm just trying to wrap my head around on how to have the least amount of impact on all of them? They are having enough issuing deal with the facts it Father's Day and their dad doesn't give a shit and now you pick one child bday to finally contact them?"

I of course never received a response from that. The only sort of answer I got out of him was that he "might" send money this week for gift for them....cause that's what's important, right???

I will admit this has been eating at me all week, along with other fears I have about his "return" (if it ever happens). Yes Alex hearing from his dad on his birthday would have made his day, however it would have cause so many issues with the other 2 kids (more Dalton then Nathan). How do you explain to a 9 yr old that yes your dad didn't call you but he did call your brother??? Dalton was closer to his dad then the other 2 (most would say a favorite). So sure I may have been a bitch and questioned his intentions, but at the end of the day, all he was going to do is wreck everything that once again I've worked so hard to get into place. 

Next issue...Alex has his Gr 6 graduation this week coming. Yes I invited both his dad and his wife, he said that HE would be attending (I have not seen her since last thanksgiving when they had a bit of a moment in front of me that I know very well embarrassed her (and me) cause I've been on the recieving end of those moments), and as much as I hope (and pray) he mans up and actually comes, my heart (and brain) secretly hopes he doesn't. I know it sounds bad and I don't mean it too, but I want to be truthful. 

His re entering their lives stresses me out soooooooo much I honestly lose sleep over it. I know some day, some how, some way it will happen and I dread  it. 

The trust is gone more now then when I found out he was cheating on me, he has sunk lower then low, and I have no idea how or when he will ever be able to regain it (or how to go about it). Sure I may have been reactive when I pulled all visits back in Febuary (any parent would have with the information I was given) BUT once I had a chance to digest everything I gave him option, all of which he has chosen not to procue.   

For almost 5 months he has done nothing to be a parent, nothing to show these kids he loves them, nothing to show me he's changed, nothing to show he cares about anything, he put in a good front when he went with me to Sick Kids for Nathan appointment in March but that was the last time any of us have seen him. All I have gotten from him is empty promises (I'll call Saturday, we will come down and take them out for dinner, I'll send you money)

So as selfish as it may seem, I have once again, been left holding all piece to make sure these children adjust to life, a life that everytime we get back to "normal" someone decided to throw something else at us and send us spiralling again. 

I don't have the answers, I don't know how I will deal with him possibly coming back, nor do I know how the kids will react. I'm sure in the beginning they will just be excited to see him, but once the visit end (cause it will only be a couple hours at the most) their really reactions will come out, the questions about where he's been. And I again will be left alone to answer them. 

12 years and counting!

Tomorrow marks a couple of different big events in my life....12 years ago on June 13, 2002 I became a mother for the first and I quit smoking!!!! Two things in very proud of. 

12 years ago I was patiently waiting for my mom to finish pouring candles for her business, while frantically trying to reach my husband (who was in PA working) to let him know to get home fast, we were having a baby ....TODAY!

I had gone for my weekly check up, I had gained almost 40lbs in less then 2 wks and my feet were so swollen I still to this day have scares. My BP was 189/135 and I had to beg the OB to let me make the 30 min drive back to my parents to get my stuff and have someone there with me. Ohhhh the good old days, when unless you had money or a high paying job you didn't have a cell phone. I remember leaving the Dr pulling over at the closes pay phone (back when they were till 25 cents a call) and call dispatch praying that my husband hadn't called in yet this morning.....he hadn't!!!!

They took the message, they called the company he was scheduled to deliver too to see if he was there yet and to leave a message for him to call home ASAP. PA was about a 8-9hr drive from home. 

Mom and I get back to the hospital and they hook me up to all the machines, start potocien and we wait....only about 20 mins cause the medication made my BP sore to 219/145 and the baby's heart beat drop to 115. Off the meds I came and I was then prepped and waiting for an OR for csection. My mom tried to reach dispatch again to let them know and see if they had heard from him. He was to call in when he got to te boarder. 

Everything after that was kind of a blur....I remember signing the paper work, I remember crying so hard I was almost sick cause I wanted him to be there and I wanted to be awake for the surgery. After 3 attempts only the right side of my body would freeze, I needed to be put under 😫

That was the last thing I remember, I don't recall the recovery room, I don't recall seeing my baby, nothing??? As they wheeled me to my room I remember hearing the nurses talk about the hockey game, I asked who won (I actually had time to watch back then) and the nurse pushing me laughed cause I hadn't even asked about the baby yet....Detroit win the cup that night!

After I was in my room, my husband came in....he missed the delivery by 23 mins. But he had seen and held the baby! And was going to get him for me. 

Ironically this is where my memory goes fuzzy again, I remember the nurse bring him in a couple time that night for me to try and feed him...I also remember falling asleep while she held him. I don't remember anything else till my Dr showed up the next morning to see me. The baby had spent the night in the nursery (clearly I wasn't capable of caring for him???). It was lunch time when they finally took my catheter out and from then on I was with my son!!! (When I had Dalton 3 yrs later, I had him in my room with me from the moment I came out of the recovery room...he never left my side...catheter and all???)

Alexander Greggory Wayne was born at a healthy 7lbs 4oz (my smallest baby). He had a head of hair so thick it looked black and his eyes were so dark we all wondered if they were also black??? His eyes eventually lighted up (about 4 months) and his hair is still a thick dark brown. He looked just like his dad. He was the perfect baby (don't worry he's made up for it). He only cryed if he popped and he slept for 12 hrs every night from the age of 6 days on (I can could on both hands how many sleepless nights that child had). He hit all his milestones as he should have, he cut all his teeth during the night with no tears, he was that child, if you laid a blanket on the floor he would play for hours and NOT get off the blanket...I'm not even kidding. He never had to be in a playpen, or execsuaser you could just leave him in the blanket and do what needed to be done. His only down fall was...he didn't nap...for more then 25 mins...even in the car???? But I never complained cause I slept all night. 

It wasn't till Alex turned about 18months when I started to get concerned. He still would stay in that blanket for hours, he wasn't talking (he did at one point say mama, dada and baba but stopped by 14 months). That was when we started seeking help for him....which is a LONG story that I won't get into! (I've posted about it before...I'm sure?!?)

You amazes me every day with how much you have over come, how well your adjusting to life, how grown up you seem to have become (overnight) your memory amazes me, you enthusiasm to learn excites me, and your creative talent is beyond words!!! The world is yours to discover and overcome, you will show everyone there is no stopping you!

I love you so much, you will always be my babe boy😘

🎉 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!🎉

Slow and steady wins the race!

After 2 wks of not weighing myself, I was able to get in the scale last Saturday morning to a wonderful suprise that I was down 8lbs!!! That 20 lbs total in 8 wks (or 2.5lbs a week). So all though it doesn't seem like much, it's huge for me at this point. 

I reached my first goal! I'm down enough that the blood thinners I will need after surgery will now be $70 less!!!

I was able to get my 1st wek of shakes for $80....so in total I've already saved $110 (which will pay for my room the night before surgery)

Otherwise life is good!!!

Crazy busy, meeting to prepare Alex for moving up to middle school, meetings to prepare Nathan for JK, OT therapy for Alex, soccer for 2 kiddo's, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, not to meantion working, cooking, cleaning, and raising 3 kids!!! Once in a while I take a moment to stop and eat too 😉

In the EX front, still nothing??? He skipped the meeting HE set up last week. But otherwise no contact with me!!! Or the kids 😒

It's now been 17.5 wks since he has had any contact with the oldest 2 and 14.5 for Nate. I still shake my head trying to figure out what is going on inside that persons head. 

Only time will tell I guess?