And like that, everything will change

I like to think I'm a person who can go with the flow, I also like to think that I have some say and control over my life, but one simple message changed all those thought and once again MY life get put on the back burner cause something changes in someone else. 

I received a text from my ex today informing me that come April he will be changing positions at his company( due to medical issues) He will no longer be work his current shift and will go back to a Monday-Friday 9-5 style job. Most people would be say "perfect" but for me I feel like I just settled into our current schedule/routine and now HE get to screw it up all over again. 

October 2012 I adjusted to my kids being gone Friday afternoon-Sunday afternoon. It took a lot of HARD work, a lot of stress, anxiety, sleep nights, tears and more effert then it was worth. After 6 months I received the message "my bid changed and I can't take the boys Fridays anymore, just Saturday nights"

Ummmm pardon? This was the week before the change was going to start. This is less then 6 months after I completely rearrange my life and work schedule to have it so that I could work when the kids where gone (meaning not paying a sitter and actually making money). And now I had to start cancelling shifts, missing work and passing up a opurtunity to make good money doing Respite care. 

So here we are almost a year later and it's all happening again. We on a routine that I'm not currently relying on my parents to watch the kids so I can make money. I can let my employers know that I'm avaiable this day or this day (thankfully my bosses are VERY understanding). And now just when I'm getting ahead in my job and my finances BAM he's strikes again!

Sure yes he will know be able to take the boys fri-sun again (meaning I get 48hrs every 2 weeks kid free) but also means the behaviour I deal with when they come home will be twice as bad and it means an extra day of medication for Nathan (YES the cat is still in his home even after being told by a specialist that his some was on medication to go to his house). 

I know I probably sound like a complete bitch but if you ready this blog at all you know how I refere to my ex as a "glorified babysitter". The lack of structure and routine and his house takes almost 3 days to get sorted out when they come back. 

And then there lyes the finacial aspect this will have on our lives. Again as most of you know my chid support is a main source of income in my life. Being a single mom of 3 isn't easy for the normal parent but you throw in food allergies and  ASD, it's next to impossible to find reliable daycare (especially when a child is almost 12).

 So yes I do work 2 part time job (again around everyone else schedules and some weeks I dont make any money), but because of other aspects of my life I don't qualify for financial help like many other single parent (again we've had this talk) so just as I'm getting settled with a budget (including the little extra I get from taking in a second part time seasonal job) I find out that my ex's income dropped by over $12,000 last year, meaning my is also going to drop (like $200-300 month) so any "extra" money I was making is no longer extra it now cover the lost money again because of him. 

And if I'm going to be completely honest (which I aim to be on here), there are certain comments he made tonight that took me back to a place I have faught tooth and nail to avoid (and have been doing SOOOO good at) 

It made me once again feel like the piece of shit he seems to thing I was when we were together. I was controlling, I mothered him, blah blah blah, yet he says tonight

"Sue made me go to the doctor, she said that my breathing slows right down when Im sleeping"

NO shit sherlock, I've been telling you that for how many year. 

But queen Sue says it and you jump up and run to a doctor.

 I've been telling you to keep an eye on your blood sugars and I'm just a nagging bitch. But she notices something and again your off and running. 

So I guess in reality anything I've said to you about your health and well being means nothing cause how would I possibly know what I'm talking about, you your newer, older and wiser wife know everything. 

Next I'll get the text telling me "I'm depressed, Sue made me go talk to a councelor"

I know I sound like a petty ex wife and in some ways maybe I am, but instead of making it seem like your new wife is saving your life acknowledge that at one point I told you all these exact same thing, you just didn't listen and brushed it off!

In the end this post doesn't even begin to explain what going threw my head currently, but I'm sure even if I tried to put it in to words most would not understand. Most would read and think "god lord girl get over it and move on"

And as easy as that sound, the minute I do, I sure he will change MY life all over again 

  

 

Make parently decisions

I've been a parent for almost 12 years (how the heck did that happen???)

I've always said I have to get my butt in gear and start school funds for my kids, start a retirement fund for myself (and my ex at the time) but no matter how much I/we tried it was never in the budget. 

Ok honestly it was but there was always something someone need more and comitting to another monthly payment seem very danting with a single income and 2 small kids. 

After we split up it hit me hard that I had no retirement funds, I really had not worked in the 14 years we were together and now in my early 30's as a single mom to 3 would I have enough time to catch up to live comfortably (and be able to help my kids with their schooling)

So this week I sat down with someone and got the ball rolling. We discussed my options (for me and the kids) and settled on a family education fund for the boys (were all 3 kids can draw from the account till the age of 30) the kid dont have to go to a 4 year college or university, they can attend a trade school or even a community/private college as long as it's registered (which seeing as I did work for one I know the way some I them work) 

My 2 youngest children are entitled to an extra grant as soon as I start (next week I sign the paperwork) and the interested rate is based on my income level. Which is great. The interest goes as high as 40%. 

For myself I'm going to start the tax free savings account (seems to be the most benificial for me at this point in my life) I can afford a nice monthly payment but if for some reason something major happens I can access the fund easier then with an RRSP. 

For both accounts I'm able to do unlimited extra deposits (I have some family members that like to contribute to a bank account for the kids so now instead of earning like 3% it will earn like 10 times that much!) 

Because I work a seasonal job I'm able to increase the amount durning the peak season and decreas the amount I contribute in the off season (which was my fear). 

Once my mortgage is paid off (less the 9 yrs) I can also roll the amount in to my account which will allow me to retire comfortable. 

I don't want to be rich, but I see my grandmother struggle to live off of just our CPP pension (and a small widows pension) and I dont want to struggle later in life either. 

If circumstances change later on down the road more options are available but for now this fits comfortable in my budget  and I'm proud to be able to say that even someone with a low income (such as mine) CAN make these types of decisions with very little effort!!!!

Don't be afraid to talk to someone. 

P.S. I'm also proud of the fact just before Christmas as a family we started doing a monthly donation to our local children's hospital! This hospital is near and dear to my heart, Nathan is seen there, sadly I have some friends who also have had to deal with hospital (thankfull all children I'm talking about are currently healthy and happy thriving at home!)

Anything is possible and any amount is a start! 

First Appointment!!!

$32 for daycare, 3.5 hrs of drive, 235km, $15 for 2.5hrs of parking a 13 vials of blood later....I did it!

I drove myself to the city for my first appointment!!!!

I'm sure some are saying...whipty doo...she drove in a city. But I hate driving, I especially hate driving where there are more then 3 lanes of traffic. So for me to drive all the way into Finch Ave by myself is HUGE!!!! 

My appointment went well, the surgeon and I talked about my options and agreed the RNY is my best bet, I'm a great canadaite. Ideally for my height I should be 154lbs (I laughted and said I would also have to lose some ribs and my right thigh bone!). He chuckled with me. He asked what my goal was. I said 190-200 is what I envisioned. He said that sounded good and once there we could re evaluate. Remember I'm 5'11"...and big boned (no joke even at my current size you can count my ribs)

I asked about my hernia. He asked to see it and was shocked at the size. He said he would NOT do it at the time of the RNY because the recover woul be harder and it would likely come back as I lose weight. 

When and if I have skin removal surgery (which with out a miricle I will be having) that's when he will fix it unless it starts causing issues. Which at this point it doesn't bug me unless I've eaten something I shouldn't have or it's swollen. Today was a good day with it i wore my size 26 jeans all day with no issues!!!  

I now have to wait for an appointment with an internal medicine doctor, then go to my 3 appintments April 1 (RN, SW, RD). At that point if everyone else agrees I'm ready I meet with the surgeon again and book for surgery. 

Assuming all goes well I'm looking end of April or May. 

Thankfully unless something goes wrong he doesn't see why I can't go back to work the following week at the office and 2 weeks for the hospital job (guess this is the added bonus for administrative work)

At this point I'm still not really telling anyone, again it still may not happen. I'm hoping to get more responsabilties at work (and more hours) and really hope that May is the latest I have to wait as my office job as it is seasonal and June is prime time. 

I'll keep everyone posted!

Cleaning, cleaning and yet more cleaning

Ever wonder just how much stuff you have in your house? I'm starting to think that someone comes in while I'm pretending to sleep at night and hides stuff. Seriously. For the last 2 years it seems every 2-3 months I go threw the house get rid of stuff. I'm not talking a garbage bag here and garbage bag there, I'm talking MULTIPLE almost double digit amounts of garbage bags each time.  

Remember my house is less then 800sq feet. I have 2 bedrooms, kitchen/dining room (the biggest area of the entire house), living room, 2.5 closets, and a bathroom you can't turn around in. Yet some how some way I find a way to stuff it full???

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hoarder by any means....but really where does the stuff come from?

The 3 boys share the master bedroom which is about 1/4 of the house. In there they have 3 beds, 3 dressers, a bookcase (that holds their buckets of toys n tv) and a double door panty cupboard that holds their books 

It may seem strange that we keep book in a cupboard but we have SOOOO many book we had too....if you opened the doors it literally puked out books (well till today anyways...we went threw them and donated 2 full garbage bags to a local church). 

Last year I purchased new bed set for the boys. They are all upper bunks that came with a matching dresser n bookcase that fit underneath. I thought they would be perfect! Boy was I wrong they are massive. Where I was hoping they would fit once together they didn't 😩

Alex and Dalton both have theirs set up as top bunks with a dresser underneath. Nathan was/is to young to sleep on a top bunk yet so his is down, we store our bins of toys under his bed. 

Now I've said many times I'm so glad I don't have girls (clothes are way cuter, meaning I would buy more, and the toy options are unreal), we have one storage bin with just Lego and one with rescue heros (we did have a third that contained mega blocks but I'm happy to announce we have officially out grown mega blocks!) 

On the bookcase we have 4 small buckets of toys (cars, action figures, toy story figures, and single mega block(dalton like to pretend they are army guys...so I guess we haven't completely out grown them)). We also keep or movies, a couple of Nathan's books (easier access for him) and some bigger cars/trucks. Then the tv on top!

Now the way Alex's room is set up its kind of like a room in itself! So he has his bed set, an a corner shelf that holds all his stuff (wrestling magazines, bins, packs of paper, notebooks of paper, oh and more paper)...I took 4 bags of stuff out of that room today! And they still aren't lacking for toys, but we are down to toys that are honestly played with daily!

My room is so tiny that between my queen size bed shoved in the one corner, my dresser and clothing rack (now that I own clothes that need to be hung up!) there is enough floor space to take 2 steps from one side to the other....I honestly LOVE IT! It's orange and brown and girly and mine!!!!

My bathroom is a nightmare...I'm not joking. We have redone it at least 5 times since living here, trying to make is seem bigger but still have storage??? Not easily done. It's a pedestal sink with toilet right beside it...so close you could rest your arm if need be. And the tub. That's it. The cabnit I current have in there is 2' wide by 1' deep and it JUST fits. But it holds what I need to keep in there. 

Closet...what do people with lots of closets actually keep in them??? I technology have 2 double clothes, and 2 singles. When my ex thought he would suprise me with a new washer/dryer combo he didn't measure correctly. We have to have a stackable (even the old set) and it was in a closet. Well the new set is 1 inch to wide to fit in that closet. So we had to move them into our one double closet (which really is just a pain, it's meant to store coats n shoes but site in the middle of the house??? Who walks threw their house to but there shoes n coat away?)

So now my single closet is a storage clothes (holds broom, laundry stuff, household stuff, tools, and what ever else doesn't seem to fit anywhere) the other single clothes has my extra towels, sheets, blankets, water tank, personal hygiene stuff (again the shelf in there is 1.5'x6". That's it...and it's jammed full!

The second double closets hold all of our extras (out of season clothes, coats, a shelving unit (with playdoh, costumes, craft stuff)and what ever else we need to store)

Thankfully behind the boys dressrs is just enough space to hide tote boxes (this has all the clothes for the next season....I hate paying full price so I shop out of season)

The kitchen/dining room is becoming my favorite area...slowly. It's such a big space and it's so open it's almost a pain. The dinning room has been many different types of rooms (we actually have an eat in kitchen if you want to use it that way). The dinning room has been a play room, a sitting room, a bedroom (twice), a storage area and currently it's a computer/study area and holds all my business item (now neatly hidden in the cupboards!!!)

One day when it's completely clear (I'm talking dishes, kids, kid project, and odds and end) I will post some picture

My house may be small, but it's mine and it's slowly becoming a grown up place and not one that is over run with kid items!!!

It's come along way in the last 2 years and I'm so close to being complete I can almost see the final picture!!!!

Stay toned for pictures soon!!!!

2 years

It's been a long, hard, tiring, empowering, self fulling 2 years and I wouldn't go back!

2 years ago today my world stop, crashed and burned, and changed for ever more. 

I found out information about my life that completely threw me for a loop. 

I was hurt like nothing I had even felt before (and hopefully never will again)

But 2 years in, I'm back on my A game, I'm living life my way and I'm lookng forward. 

The boys and I have adjusted well (even with the set backs) and as a whole we are strong then ever. 

I'm honestly looking forward to what 2014 hold for us, there will be lots of changes, lots of excite and we will end the year with a nice long trip (shhh don't tell them but were going to Disney!!!!) 

As much as I feared what this day would be like (I'm home alone with my thoughts) it's actually been good .... So far!

I'm a strong woman who now knows I can do anything I put my mind too....so for that I actuall Thank my ex husband!

Cheers to change! 

2013 is over

This will be my third attemp and writing a post about what 2013 entailed, and it's just not coming out right?

2013 was a year of growing. As a woman, as an ex wife, as a parent and as a friend. 

I've learned a lot about myself in the last 12 months. 

I'm too trusting, to loyal, and to big hearted. 

In the past year I've put myself out there on the line more then I have in a LONG time. I've help people close to me, I've helped people I though where friends, as well as perfect strangers. Strangely the strangers treat me better then most of the "friends"

I've helped out with numberious fundraiser for local family's (which I LOVE doing).  I've learned that even though I'm not rich by any means, I have a lot I can offer people. 

I've had some "friend" walk all over me (for the second time), I've had some that only show up when they need something and I have some that only come around when there is negative things happening in my life. 

I've learned that the harder I try and get my ex to be the father he always said he wanted to be, the more he pulls away and shuts down. I've also learned from him that as much as he agravates the hell out of me, as much as there are days where I can truly say "I hate the person he has become" somewhere deep down I still care. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions....I would never, ever, ever give him a second chance. He has put me and my kids threw WAY to much. But he still a human (most days) and I have know him half my life. I hate to see him suffer (emotionally or financially) and there's certain point in the last year where I thought he was having a break threw. I still whole heartly believe he is in a deep deep depression. And that needs to seek help. I though he had hit his rock bottom in May, when he attempted to reach out to me before his wedding, yet he went ahead and got married (still don't think it's what he actually wanted but he's a grown man). Every time I've thought he's seen the light of day, realized that all though he may not have wanted to be with me anymore, his life is still in fact not what he wants. 

He is completely withdrawn from everything and everyone who has ever ment anything to him.

But again...I cant help him if he doesn't want to be helped. And if he came to me and said...."help" unfortuanilty I know I would. Call me stupid if you want but as my ex, as the father to my children and as a human I would help (as long as I was safe)

On a positive side, I've learned who my true friend is (notice the missng "s") I've learned that (most days) I'm a good mother, I've learned that I do have a purpose and it not just to raise my kids. 

I've learned to love myself again (well that's still in the works) I've learned I'm ready to start a new relationship (if the opportunity arises) and I've learn I will NOT settle this time. I will wait (very patiently) for a guy to come in to my life who loves me for who I am, not who they want me to be. 

And with all these new lessons I know whole heartly that I'm ready for my weight lose surgery, I'm ready to make the change, I'm ready to fully live my life 

So my hope 3 days in to 2014, is to have a year filled with more positive then negative, more ups then downs, more happy them sorrow and more true friends and love. 

That is also my hope for everyone. 2014 is going to be a year of strength, love and  joy...fingers crossed

P.S. This still hasn't come out how I thought it would but my head seems to be swmming with many thoughts today. Not all are so positive...but that's for another blog!