2013 was a year of growing. As a woman, as an ex wife, as a parent and as a friend.
I've learned a lot about myself in the last 12 months.
I'm too trusting, to loyal, and to big hearted.
In the past year I've put myself out there on the line more then I have in a LONG time. I've help people close to me, I've helped people I though where friends, as well as perfect strangers. Strangely the strangers treat me better then most of the "friends"
I've helped out with numberious fundraiser for local family's (which I LOVE doing). I've learned that even though I'm not rich by any means, I have a lot I can offer people.
I've had some "friend" walk all over me (for the second time), I've had some that only show up when they need something and I have some that only come around when there is negative things happening in my life.
I've learned that the harder I try and get my ex to be the father he always said he wanted to be, the more he pulls away and shuts down. I've also learned from him that as much as he agravates the hell out of me, as much as there are days where I can truly say "I hate the person he has become" somewhere deep down I still care. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions....I would never, ever, ever give him a second chance. He has put me and my kids threw WAY to much. But he still a human (most days) and I have know him half my life. I hate to see him suffer (emotionally or financially) and there's certain point in the last year where I thought he was having a break threw. I still whole heartly believe he is in a deep deep depression. And that needs to seek help. I though he had hit his rock bottom in May, when he attempted to reach out to me before his wedding, yet he went ahead and got married (still don't think it's what he actually wanted but he's a grown man). Every time I've thought he's seen the light of day, realized that all though he may not have wanted to be with me anymore, his life is still in fact not what he wants.
He is completely withdrawn from everything and everyone who has ever ment anything to him.
But again...I cant help him if he doesn't want to be helped. And if he came to me and said...."help" unfortuanilty I know I would. Call me stupid if you want but as my ex, as the father to my children and as a human I would help (as long as I was safe)
On a positive side, I've learned who my true friend is (notice the missng "s") I've learned that (most days) I'm a good mother, I've learned that I do have a purpose and it not just to raise my kids.
I've learned to love myself again (well that's still in the works) I've learned I'm ready to start a new relationship (if the opportunity arises) and I've learn I will NOT settle this time. I will wait (very patiently) for a guy to come in to my life who loves me for who I am, not who they want me to be.
And with all these new lessons I know whole heartly that I'm ready for my weight lose surgery, I'm ready to make the change, I'm ready to fully live my life
So my hope 3 days in to 2014, is to have a year filled with more positive then negative, more ups then downs, more happy them sorrow and more true friends and love.
That is also my hope for everyone. 2014 is going to be a year of strength, love and joy...fingers crossed
P.S. This still hasn't come out how I thought it would but my head seems to be swmming with many thoughts today. Not all are so positive...but that's for another blog!
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