One of those day....

Were I wish my brain would JUST shut off. It's been running wild for the last couple nights and the last 2 days. 

I couldn't figure out what triggered the crazy, wild vivid dreams that started on Friday night till I wrote down the date today. 

It will be 3 years tomorrow that I found out the truth about where my life was headed. 3 years....already???? 

What a wild, crazy, sad, frustrating and exhausting 3 years it's been. 

If you would have asked me Jan 7,2012 what I though life would be like in 2015 it would be nothing like it is. 

Good and bad!

I never would have imagined I would finally go threw with bettering my life and having my weigh lose surgery, I would never imagine I would be working 5 (yes 5) part time jobs to keep a roof over or heads and food on the table. That I would be completely solo in raising my boys. That my ex would change as much as he has (especially towards the boys). 

I don't want to make it all sound bad cause it hasn't been. The boys and I have made many leaps and bounds, exciting memories, and a happy homelife.  But some days it just seems so repetitive    and exhausting. 

We have a very exciting year coming up. Lots of great memories will be made this year and a lot of hard work (on all our parts) made it happen. 

3 years ago, I would never imagine that my kids would go over 11 months (and counting) with out having communication with their father, that I would stop receiving financially help in raising them,  or that I would hold such hatred toward someone I spent almost half my life with and had 3 children with. 

It's funny how such small things can trigger memories and emotions, good and bad. It's also funny how those trigger always seem to hit me when I'm not alone and can't let my emotions get the best of me (which maybe better). I've wasted to much time thinking, wondering and crying about how I though my life was going to turn out, how I had no control in the changes that were thrown at me and to this day still have no control. 

3yrs later and it still seems like my life is being controlled by my ex and his selfishness and his new found ugliness. 

I hope and pray someday he grows up, smartness up and realized how much he has hurt his children (and I don't mean by breaking our family up but by walking away completely from them) 

3 years ago I was told that it takes till the 3 yr mark to conpletely grieve a loss (death or marriage) and as I hit this mark I'm starting to believe it's true. 

I've come to realize that I am whole heartily ready to move forward with life, I'm ready to open myself up and let the possibility of someone new coming into my life (if there is actually any normal ones out there????) 

I pray that someday I can find that person who was meant to come into my life to fill this void that I've been feeling for a while now, that can be a male my children can look up to, that can except myself and my boys (with all the issues that intakes) and love 120% for who we are....wish us luck!