BBQ

For the last 19 months anytime we (well Me) has wanted a BBQed meal we have had to either go to my parents or wait to be invited somewhere. When my ex left he took the BBQ with him (to sit in storage and then be sold???, spiteful ...YES)

Well this past weekend my parents picked me up a new to me BBQ!!!!

It's small, perfect for me and the boys

Now I will admit, I've always had a fear of starting BBQ's....no idea why?

My Dad promised me and showed me not once but twice that the starter button worked (normally they don't after the first year of owning them...but it could have been the person assembling them too? 😜)

The only problem is the grill itself, isn't in the best if shape...was never taken care of properly (by that I mean cleaned...yes people you need to clean the grill when your done cooking). Do he did the best he could, as did I, to get all the cakes on crusty, gross, burnt food off. But for now I will have to wrap the grill in tin foil till I can get a new grill or maybe, just possibly a new BBQ (once they all go on sale in a couple weeks!)

So today for lunch, we had BBQ hot dogs! Everyone's favourite 😋

Not to sound all girly and helpless but I NEVER BBQ...ever. I've always had a male around to take care of grilling duty!

Even with my ex gone, either my Dad or Paul (bestie hubby) does the grilling. 

I forgot how quick hot dog actually cook ...ekk 

Thankful cause I was cooking in tin foil I could smell them. I got back in time before they got to bad!

The boys were happy, I was happy and we all had a quick, easy, not to heat my house (which at this point wouldn't be bad...litre cool here the last couple days) lunch!!!

Nathan's plate...still think he may be the only 3 yr old that dips in mustard over ketchup???

Mine with a side of salad!

Note: my new to me dishes!!! I've dropped so many dinner plate as of late that I couldn't feed my family lunch and dinner with out having to do dishes...which normal is ok but someday, I just don't have time to eh dishes between meal!

The boys are home and nothing we planned actually happened this week 😜

My boys are home and I couldn't be happier!!!!

We had big plans for the week but the weather had other plans. We had planned a day trip with my parents to a water park, originally for Tuesday, they called for thunderstorms. We pushed it back till Wednesday. Did it rain Tuesday? Yes it did, for all of 30mins at 5:15pm??? We missed out on a beautiful day that could have been. 

Wednesday morning we get up, I almost though we over slept...into fall! It was 18 degrees with 30km wind...not ideal for a day at the water park. Plan B...movies...well the drive in (thankfully we have one right down the road from our house). So packed our blankets, and snacks and headed out at 9pm (great timing with a 3 yr old!!!). We watched Dispicaple Me 2 (great family movie) and didn't stick around for the second film. Nathan was still awake (11:15pm) and it was so cold and damp. 

Today the older boys had their dentist appointments (no cavities!!!!) and then I had to pick Nathan up at my parents (he decided after the movie he was having a sleep over at Grandma house?!?!) 

So my plan this afternoon was....pack for our camping trip, grab groceries and then soccer!

Well we're packed, groceries will now be purchased on our way out of town and soccer went amazing!

We had our respite worker for Alex and Nathan today, so I actually got to sit and watch soccer tonight (my parents came too see as they were in holidays this week). 

This is the first game I have seen since soccer camp! WOW is all I can say!!! Dalton has improved sooooo much, he was good before but you could tell he was new at playing...now he's keeping up with the pros (well as pro as 8 yr olds can be), he makings great passes, stops, and even almost scored his first goal!!!!

He has the confidence back that his winter coach had given him (he's even played goal the last 2 games)

I'm sure I have mentioned before that our coach (well volunteer), is only coaching cause they almost cancelled our age group do to lack if coaches. He isn't organized, barely cheers the kids on and well he does make it most weeks just as the games start. 

Tonight even he was telling Dalton how good he was doing and how much he's improved. Dalton played on the first line (with the good players) the entire game. 

So tomorrow we head out for a weekend full of camping! Myself and the boys, my best friend (its seems weird to just call her that as I normally just call her my niece but that's for a whole nother post), her hubby and 3 kids. Yep, 6 kids under the age of 11 (11,8,7,5,3,2). 

I'm supper excited that Alex actually choose to join us (normally he will try and get out of it or whine he doesn't want to go). I gave him the option, secretly hoping he would come!!!

For 48 hours we will be Internet, cell, computer, tv, phone free....and I can't wait!!!!

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

26 more hours!!!!

My Boys are finally coming home tomorrow!!!! I'm so excited, I can't not believe how much I have misses them. Every single thing that normally drives me crazy...I miss!

So what did I accomplish being kid free for 10 days...nothing :(

I had high hopes of what I wanted to do, 1 because it needed to be done and 2 to keep myself busy. 

I accomplished to go threw the kids bins of clothes (as well as my own), however they are all still sitting in piles on the living room floor. Call me lazy you if you want but up until yesterday, it was almost if not over 100 degrees with humidity...to the point where my window a/c wasn't doing anything but eating hydro. 

I did get some painting done as well...as I  basked in the breeze from the a/c. 11 down only 14 more to go. 

I had hopes of taking a chair and going to sit on the beach one night with my feet dipped in the water and just watch the water. I LOVE doing this, I've done it many many time, but it was always with my ex and with all the time I've had to think in the last 10 days I was afraid of what would come out of it...so I didn't (kind of regretting it now but there is always the next time the boys go for a visit)

So tonight after I'm done dinner, I'm going to clean the house one more time before basking in the mindless tv viewing!!!

Did I mention its only 26 hrs till my boys come home!!!!! 😃

Pulled into the web again 😡

How does he do it? How does he sucker me in every single time? I'm so sick of feeling like I have to tip toe around him and her, sick of feeling like if I don't make everything work the kids will suffer???

Tonight was again soccer night, the only differents is the boys are at their dads this week...I wanted to go, I felt I should go...but of course I was to worries about them. I don't want to be "that" ex wife. I was concerned that SHE would be uncomfortable, I was afriad I would rock the boat and all hell would start again. We had just finally gotten to a good place and then this. 

His theory, I shouldn't have asked if it was "OK" to go. If I wanted to be there I should have just shown up, he would have (yes I called his BS on that statement). 

When I asked I it would cause a problem, the first time....I got that long... "Ummmmmmmmm"(I can't answer you right know cause she is sitting beside me)...but seeing as you have known me so long you know the answer is "yes it will be an issues" 

I had to meet up with them either way to give Dalton's soccer stuff, but again, cause I'm always more worries about everyone else then myself, I asked again to make sure. The response this time..."ya it's fine you don't have to talk to each other"....WTH???

Girl if you can't get threw an hour long soccer game with me, how the hell are you every going to make it threw the next 16 yrs? 

We have graduations coming this year, and who knows what else. Get use to me I'm not going anywhere! If you didn't want to have to deal with an ex wife or mother of someone else kids...you should have got with a married man!

So again I'm left with tears in my eyes cause I'm so mad...at them and myself, he has once again dragged me down to a point where I did become "that EX Wife" I said things that I should have bite my tongue on, I pushed buttons that I shouldn't have, and now everyone is pissed off and the kids are stuck with them for another 4 day 😩

Not that each one of them didn't ask if they could come home, which again broke my heart. I wish I could have said yes, I wish life was that simple, but I'm again stuck making everyone else happy while me and the kids suffer. 

I hope they enjoyed the game, cause I did tell them it will be the last thing I miss out on because of them!

And like that...he was gone???

2 yrs ago an old friend got married, my ex and I went to the wedding to show our support. We were generally happy for the couple, they had been threw a lot and over come it all and finally took the step to get married!!!

Happy Anniversary to them both 🎉

Now looking back on that wedding something play hard on my heart. I've mentioned to my best friend before that at the time I was so pissed off by the behaviour and remarks made to me at the reception by my then nephew and another person (along the lines that my ex should leave me and go back to the fun person he was before we got together, that I control him, that he's been missable since we moved out of his home town). It hurt to be talked to like that, it hurt he didn't have enough sense to disagree with them (or even agree if it was true). I let the comments roll off my back because again it was a wedding, we had had mixed emotions about going in the first place but for our friend we said nothing!!!

The problem was, when my ex got around his so called friends, he liked to drink and show off. He would try and be "cool" like them and that would didn't fly with me. I would not be treated the way those guys treated their wives. 

I said something on the way home, I thank him for not drinking, and for actually going, and he then made a comment about what was said. He apologized for them and said he didn't think any of that was true. He was happy we left that town prior to the kids being born, he was happy in how his life was going and proud of "our" family. We didn't have a lot, but compared to our "friends" we were living the high life! We owned our own home, our vehicles, had a nice little family. 

Little did I know at the time, all those words that were said, were true? He wasn't happy, he felt like I controlled him, he wanted out???

How did I not see this? How could I be so stupid and nieve??? 

It also leads me to question if they knew? Could these people have known he was cheating? Could they have known that something may have been starting? Was it their screwed up way of telling me???

I've asked this question many of times since we split up, I've even asked him in one heated fight we were having. Of course he denies it, he denies everything.   Says he was never unfaithful, he never did anything inappropriate prior to me finding the messages in his phone the night I kicked him out. 

Again, I may be nieve, I may not have seen the signs leading up to that conversation we had in December, but I do know what I seen and hear and thought up until that night in January when I saw the message. It's burned in my head, I will never ever forget the words I read, the thought that went threw my head, the feeling of my heart hit my stomach like a ton of brick, the reaction I had, the actions I took in the heat of the moment. 

Do I regret it...NOT one single moment! If I had to live it over I would have done the exact same way (maybe played detective a little more before letting on I seen the message)

My reaction was to answer the last text she sent...with a "I know now and you don't have to hide anymore"

At which point she disappeared??? Imagine. Guilt must have kicked into overtime, she never answered any messages I sent that night. Nor did he when he seen what I sent the next morning. 

I will admit, I did some childish thing (like change his screen photo to a picture of her). He was so drunk that night he thought he had did it. He never said anything to me the next morning when I got up, didn't even look at me when I sat in our room and cryed my face off all day long cause now I had proof and couldn't sit in idle anymore. I wouldn't let him do this to me or my kids any longer, 5 wks was long enough to live a lie!

Remember other then my best friend and her husband, NO ONE had any idea anything was going on, we said we wouldn't make any decision till after the holiday for the kids sake.

Well the holidays were over and so were we!

I spent that day trying to figure what was going to happen next? How was I going to support myself and my kids? Was I going to have to sell my house? My vehicle? What the hell was I going to do? I had 3 small kids? Only worked part time. 

The smartest thing I ever did was make him sign paperwork before he left that night, he signed over sole custody with scheduled visitation over to me, we had in writing a plan (child support, how to deal with the debit) 

That night he left, with his suitcase as if he was going to work, I had taken his house key away (not that he noticed), he kisses the kids goodbye, and never came back. 

Menu Monday...recipe included😋

I would normally just show pictures of what we have had this week, but tonight I made something new and had I share!!!

Most will have heard or had a chimichanga!

Well I put a little twist on mine as they kids are away and I can 😜

I started with chicken, of course I always buy in bulk and end up cooking enough chicken for like 5 people (note to self, repackage some meat in smaller portions for when the kids are away)

Now, I would recommend boneless, skinless chicken breast or thighs...all I had available was chicken quarters but it worked

Once cooked shred the chicken up. 

I use southwest ranch dip (prepackaged from the store), chopped raw onions, and shredded cheese 

Use large wraps (I chose whole wheat), add 1 tbsp of dip to centre of wrap, then cheese and onions, top with shredded chicken

Fold the sides in then the top n bottom

Picture shows each stage

Place in oven at 350 for 15 mins on a little sprayed cookie sheet....OR when the house is already sitting at 32 degrees, place in a non stick frying pan on med/high heat 

Turn after the first 7 mins

(Or if in pan about 5 mins...it cooks as fast as a grilled cheese so keep a close eye!)

One done, serve whole or cut with a dip on the side!

I chose a plan ranch dip, but salsa or sour cream would have been even better!!!

Here is the oringal recipe

Any combination of toppings would be wonderful, even if everyone made there own

My next batch will have grilled red and green peppers inside as well as sour cream to add some extra flavour!

Have a recipe? Share it with me!!! I have 9 more nights before I have to go back to kid friendly meals again 😩

Three??? Already??? How???

My baby turns three today? I'm pretty sure someone hit fast forward on life! There is no way he has been here three years.

Nathan is such a character, in the last year he has really come into himself. He is very confident, independent, chatty, adventurous, inquisitive, way to smart for his own good (or mine). He will carry on a conversation with you as if he is already 10 yrs old. He loves being outside, climbing, running, playing, swimming (I swear he is really an amphibian 🐸) and all stuff that little boys should do, but he also has the calm, caring, loving side to him that melts my heart!

He loves to learn, loves to help, loves to get I to trouble and drive me nuts, but at the end of the day, when all his energy is gone (most days) he looks at you with his steel blue coloured eyes and my heart melts...I can forget all the hair brained things he had done that day and can't wait to start a new day!

So this blond haired, blue eyed bundle of joy, who has decide from the moment he was born (early) he was going to live life by his rules, and his only...is now 3! 

 

Struggles

Here's my thoughts for today....this week is always a hard week for me. My "baby" is about to turn 3, and every year I come to realize just how much I haven't dealt with the emotions of everything Ive been threw with him.

On top of that, my ex has been almost to nice lately....which is good (I guess). We have finally gotten to a point that we can have "normal" conversation and be civil with each other. His new wife has actually started talking to me (???) and life over all was going better.

Here lies the problem, when my ex is being nice/civil, is when all my emotions get stirred up!
All the emotions i have suppressed for the last 18 months,  all the questions I still have to this day about what really happened. I thought I was finally starting to get it, starting to move forward. Even if it was anger driven.

The way he has acted for the last 18month, is not the person or the man I fell in love with, which makes dealing with my feelings almost as a lose...its as if I could morn the relationship we had.

However, since he got married last month, his attitude has changed....again not back to the person he was...but he keeps showing these glimpse of his old self. He actually tries (in his way) to help more with the kids. He took them for an extra weekend to help make up some of the time he did miss from canceling visits and because of his work schedule.
He did agree to help pay for a nursery school program for Nathan, Camp for Dalton (as Alex received funding threw an Autism agency).
He says he is going to take all 3 boys this coming week as he is on holidays (still not holding my breath for that to really happen)
He was even nice enough to help me with some computer issues this past week.

This is were my struggles began again with "our" relationship!

How can someone treat me the way he did/has and then turn around pretend nothing happened?

We have actually talked on the phone about 5 times in the last couple days....probably more then we have since he moved his stuff out of my house. We normally just text or send emails...which again helps me. But when dealing with the computer it just doesn't make sense.

Both of us, during the conversation even made the comment it was strange to be having a conversation (not fighting or arguing about the kids). He was at work the other night when Toronto got their flash flood and was stuck sitting on highway while we talking and he began to tell me about work (again something that we had done daily for 14 yrs)...it was so weird...brought back so many memories....then out of the blue...he stopped! Mid sentence and said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to start talking about work stuff". I ALMOST said that OK, go ahead...but then I realized...I didn't want to go there.
We have tried to have a friendship not that long ago when I was going threw some medical issues and it didn't go well (yes his wife knew and she supported it at the time, I think she may have been threw some of the same issues herself). It was completely heart breaking in all honesty. I came to realize just how much I missed having him in my life (as a friend, someone who you could talk to about everything, every detail, ever fear). I missed having that bond with him. I'm not very good at communicating my feeling, my thoughts or my fears. I'm always afraid of be judged or criticized for them. He is one of 2 people who I have been able to do this with.

Sometime, I guess I just wish I could have that person back in my life?!?!

I wish I could still share those feeling with him, as the father of my kids and I guy I spent almost half my life with...but in the end I know I cant. I know its not healthy for myself to go backwards...he made his choice...not only to leave but to act the way he has since he left.

Life could and should be some what different then the way it is currently, we always said it would be...but I guess in reality you NEVER really know how something will go till your in the process of going threw it!

Menu Monday!

It's been a crazy busy week so the menu is short! One picture is from the party Saturday(which seemed to consume my life last week!)

Sunday was left overs!!! Nothing better!

Hamburger and Pasta Salad!

Monday, throw together of Haddock, potato patties, corn an asparagus!

Saturdays feast!!!!

Pasta salad, Potato Salad, broccoli n cauliflower salad, veggies, dip, cheese and more!

Followed by cake, cheese cake and fruit!

Way to much food for the amount of people that we had but it meant easierSunday  meals and veggies n fruit for the next couple day!!!

What's in your menu?!?!

Please share you recipes and meal ideas!

Birthday cake adventures????

I'm again on birthday duty this weekend...last one!!!!

And normally the cake is the easy part, not with Nathan. 

Ever tried to bake a cake or even cupcakes without eggs?!?!

Not an easy task. Nothing stays together, or rises. 

So Nathan asked for a Spider-Man cake!

SURE...I can pull that off!

I baked a "normal" cake...with eggs! It was nice and fluffy, didn't stick to anything and I was even able to level it no problems!

My plan was the same as Alexs birthday, I would make a second batch, that were Nathan friendly so he didn't feel left out. And I would decorate one for him as Spider-Man 

Except this is what happened to THAT batch

Yep that's right, not a single one came out in one piece. I was sooooo mad 

Of course I don't have another cake mix or enough oil to even try and wipe together another. 

But the Spider-Man cake DID turnout!!!!

With a couple missed lines, due to someone wanting to watch and help me decorate...but here goes!

So not exactly how I planned it but Nathan is very happy with it

"THANK YOU Momma...he looks sooooo yummy. I can't wait to eat him"

Sorry buddy, this year....your getting a cheese cake for your birthday 😩 

When does the weekend visits get easier???

This past weekend the boys where at their dads house from Saturday morning till Tuesday afternoon. That is the longest they have ever gone & the longest we have ever been apart. 

While I missed them like crazy, even thought of asking if they could come home a day early (crazy I know) I didn't. I know they need to spend time with their dad. 

Durning the school year they only go for 1 night because of his work schedule. Now that school out it will be back to 2 nights. 

The main problem??? While honestly I'm not sure??? All I do know is that when they come home, all we seem to do is bunt head, the kids don't listen, they think they can eat and drink whenever they feel the need, they are complete slobs, argue about what they are and aren't going to do....yes even after only being gone 1 night!

So when they come home Tuesday I thought I would be prepared. We had some thing we HAD to do this week as well as some fun things to do. 

Yesterday afternoon we went to my parents for a easy dinner and a wonderful swim in the pool! What kid would like that...mine!

Well at least some of them. All I heard was....I'm hot, I'm board, I want to watch tv, I want to play on the computer, I want to go home, I want more snacks, I want this and I want that...in those words!

"I Wannnnt ______"

Whiny voice and all???

I don't understand it? I know for a fact they don't act like this at their dads, they don't act like this prior to going for visits, so why do they come home like this???

Tonight is the dreaded soccer night again ( we had a bi week last week) they are calling for rain, perfect! As I've said before I know this will be a battle of the wills, and I WILL WIN, but the though of dealing with the behavior makes me want to throw in the towel before we even leave. 

So my question: how long does it take for kids to adjust to weekend visits???

Some say months or years? We are about 9 months into full weekend visits and its only getting worse???

When will MY children realize that I won't put up with this type of behavior, that acting out while we are out is only going to make me have to take them out more (I get flustered an always end up forgetting stuff the we have to have). I always try and do my shopping when we don't always have to go but about twice a month I need to take all 3...it's only vet 1 store and should only take 30 mins MAX!

This whole single mom thing is getting old, really quick, especially are birthday time!

That's my vent for today, I'm over emotional, over tired and just plain grouchy today...only 10 hrs to bed...hopefully!!!

Wordless Wednesday...short this week

Some outdoor play

Some indoor play 😁

Cookie for Daddy's house 

Painting while the kids were away

Reading in the shad on a hot summers day!

Have a great week!!!

Menu Monday!

Let try again this week and see if it goes any better!!!

Home made pizza!

This time we used Greek flat breads! As you can guess...we eat a lot of pizza! We tend to use spaghetti sauce over pizza sauce. The older boys have meat (bacon or ground beef) and cheese! Nathan and I go all out! What ever veggies we have in the fridge!

Thankfully my kids love home made! Healthier and cheaper!

Then we had ribs! We LOVE ribs!!!!

In a slow cooker or a roasting pan they are always fall off the home tender!

Add a little BBQ sauce, cook nice and slow! Sided with Bow tie pasta with stinky cheese (aka Parmesan cheese), asparagus and mixed veggies!

Due to the mess I tend to feed Nathan his, he's been known to eat the bones 😝

This was our easy  peasy lunch the other day! I used my stone pan to bake hot dogs!!!! We don't have a BBQ so this was the next best thing!

Sides with some good old KD and blueberries!

steak, mashed potatoes and again...asparagus! It's almost out of season so we are getting it in while we can!

What on your menu?!?!

Share! Give me ideas...I love trying new foods!

Happy Canada Day 🎉

Hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful long weekend!!! The sun has been shining all weekend!

This is again one of the many first that have come in the last year, I don't have my boys for yet another holiday 😫

As much as I was looking forward to a break (June has been a crazy month for us) after sitting home alone for 48hr I want them back....NOW!

Only problem I still have another 30hrs till they come home. 

Laundry is done, house is clean (even scrubbed the tub), dishes and floors are done, I've painted, I've watched tv, I've slept...I've been board out of my flipped mind!!!

Their dad and step mom where nice enough to send me some pictures and videos yesterday 😢 they look like they are having a blast! Which is nice, generally they don't really want to go and this is the LONGEST I've ever been away from them. Which I guess I should get ready, only 13 more days and they go for 10 night/11 days! What the heck am I going I do???

Enjoy this day with your kids! And hopefully you will get to see some fireworks tonight!!!

HAPPY CANADA DAY 🎉🍁