Crazy busy couple weeks

We are still getting use to our new routine, back to school has gone well! No issues so far. Daycare is going great for Mr Nathan (2 days a week) and work is amazing! It's nice to have a purpose again other then regular mom stuff. I am now working 2 days a week at the office and 2-3 days a week at the hospital. 

The older boys had their first Cubs meeting last week! Dalton LOVED it, Alex said it was ok but they didn't have any snacks. 

My ex did show up to Nathan's appointment last week, which was good. He kind of tried to challenge the doctor about Nathan cat allergy and the dr put him in his place. Nathan is allergic to the cat protien (who knew) so regardless if the cat is kept in the step daughters room he will still have reactions (which has been obvious since he started taking them overnight) my ex asked about medication and the dr explain that yes he could prescribe medication, explained the side effects and the long term effect and apparently his father is ok with this. I on the other hand think its absolutly rediculas that I now need to medicate my child to have a relationship with his father (my hands are tied till we go to court)

Nathan now needs a nasal spray (remember he is 3) 2 days prior to his visits, the days he's there and 2 days after he comes home. SO that means in order for him to spend 30 hrs with his father he needs to be medicated for 6 days PLUS he also now has an inhalour that he may need to use to help keep his airway open if he starts coughing and wheezing...and yes his father is ok with all of this so that he can keep his 23 yr old step daughter happy...sad/angry doesn't even begin to explain my thoughts on all of this. I have so many thoughts going threw my head that it's almost scary to try and put them into scentises. It inferiates me ever time I have to hold my son down (basically hog tie his and squeeze his checks while I stick a  nosal up his nastral and spray him with a steroid spray) just because he won't stick up for his children and tell her to grow up. 

She's 23 and he's 3....his health and well being is more important then her cat and I don't care what any animal lover says. 

When my ex made the comment she maybe moving out next month the dr says "good! But you realize that it will take 4-5 months of good deep cleaning before he will possibly stop having reactions" 

I'm filing paperwork this week (was waiting for her to legally change her last name but again these to "wonderful" people can't even get their act together to do that. They have been married for almost 4 months and haven't filed the paper work) with the courts and will ask if there is anyway to rush it due to medical issues. Hopefully the judge will agree with myself and the doctors that this is rediculas and in some ways a form if child endangerment (neglect is the word I want to use)

On another note: we leave in 4 days for our weekend away in Niagria Falls!!!!

We are spending 1 night exploring the fills and it's attractions and the second night we will be at Great Wolf Lodge!!!

I'm super excited, I really have told the boys yet where were going just said we were going way (Dalton thinks were going camping again...haha way to cold at night to sleep Ina tent for this Momma!)

Depressed??? Am I???

I will admit, in the past (more then once) I have struggled with major depression. I have seeked help, I have medicated and I have learned coping technics and I have been medication free for about 5 months.

Are there days where I second guess if I was ready to come of meds...oh hell ya! However those days are less and less. 

If I were to tell my story to a stranger I'm sure they would assume I'm medicated. Heck someone today asked me if I was. 

Didnt ask if I was depressed, just if I was taking medication for depression???

I was taken back...do I seem that bad? 

For those that don't know me personally I  come a crossed as a strong woman who handles what is thrown at her (or at least that's what I've been told) then like my kids when no ones looking I let it out (cry, blog, paint or eat...I know that last one isnt something I'm proud of). 

Do I think I'm depressed...NO, do I have bad days...YES!

What prompted this conversation???

I meet with a new child/youth worker for the kids today (threw an agency we have been working with for over a year)

She asked me how I thought the kids where doing. I said "good" over all they are. She asked how life has been, I said "rough". Just when I seem to get my head around everything, something new pops up. I went on to explain how my summer went, how the last couple weeks have gone with new issues. Then she asked the dreaded question..."do you have a lot of support?"

Well of course that's when the tears started, yes I have the support of my parents and my best friend...but on a day to day issues...nope. It's just me! I'm the one who deals with EVERYTHING, I'm the one who make sure all appointment are done, all school stuff is taken care off, that everyone has everything they need when they need it...I'm sure to some you would think...that's what a mom does. And I agree! However when you have 3 kids all with medical/social issues that require multiple doctor appointment, multiple social appointments, counselling, school life, dietary issues and medication, it tends to get extremely OVERWHELMING. 

And before anyone thinks oh she could have it soooo much worst...trust me I know that! I know people who do have more to deal with on a day to day bases. 

I'm not looking for pity, I'm not looking for a hand out, I'm not looking to "fix" my situation. What I want is to be able say...today was a good day! Today I didn't have to deal with anything a "normal" mom didnt have too. Yes I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but somedays I have to wonder...why me? Why did I end up with 3 beautiful children that all have "issues"? Why can't I be that mom who can just call someone up and say, hey can you watch my kids I need to go ____, why do I have to second guess myself and anyone who does watch my kids? Are they going to be able to handle them? Are the kids going to behave? Are they able to deal with Nathan's food allergies. I feel like all I do is worry 24/7. I feel like I must have pissed someone off in another life to have all this thrown at me, then to have my support taken away as well. 

In that I mean a husband/father. I don't and would never want my ex back in my life, and most days I wish he would just walk away from the kids as well. But that's only been like that for the last 20 months. Prior to us splitting we were a team, yes I still did everything I do today cause of his work schedule, but I knew at the end I the week I had someone coming home to tag me out where I could breath, I could relax, I could cry on his shoulder when I go over whelmed. Now I don't, I don't have anyone who truly understands what I'm going threw, what I deal with or how I feel. 

It's a wonder I don't sleep, it's a wonder why I cry at the drop of a hat, why I can fly off the handle at a moments notice. 

So sure most would read this and think...this girl needs help and fast, she needs to be medicated. But really what I need...is an honest to god break and a full 8 hours of sleep! I need the father of my children to be just that, a father, not a glorified babysitter who shows up every other Saturday and fucks our life's up. He needs to be here 100% to support the kids and me. Sure were not together but he can still support me as I support the kids. 

Just last week, I sent him an email (talking in the phone doesn't work with this guy that's how bad he is) to explain what test results were for some blood work that Dalton and Nathan had done. After a bit I semi jokingly said "is this ever going to get easier? At this point autism is the least of my concerns" he's response...."ya really, pill and its done"

I was LIVID, I could have thrown my phone a crosses the room and smashed his face with a hammer (ok I would never but you get my point). 

I calmly replied, after some very BIG deep   breaths, "NO, you don't see all the work we do behind the scenes to keep him functioning" and left it at that

Oh course he went on to put his foot in his mouth and said something along the lines of "oh I know" but I refused to answer him after that. 

That's the type of support I get from him now ...just pop a pill into them and everything will be fine! This is also coming from the guy who should have taken his kids on 2 one week visits over the summer (while he and she were in holidays) but after the first one, decided he couldn't handle doing the second. 

So in reality I know he will never be the support the kids or I need, he's barely a person in our lives at this point. So am I depressed. I would still have to say no however after writing n retreading this I guess the assumption that I am isn't as far fetched as I first thought it was 😖

This hit close to home

http://www.ksl.com/?sid=26437494&nid=1009&title=for-parents-of-kids-with-special-needs-high-functioning-is-hard-too

He may seem "normal" but what you don't see is how once were home all the strength and energy it took to appear that way comes undone. How he has the meltdowns, the anxieties, the fears and the voice to tell you what he feels. 

Yes he may be "high functioning" but all that means is he understand what you say about him, how people think he should act, that he is different from the "normal"kids. It also means I/We need to work even harder to get him help because a child sitting quietly reading a chapter book can't be Autistic???  A child who receives good grades, enjoys learning and school can't have special needs???

What you don't see is the lack of self confidence he/she has, the lack of understand why people don't want to play with them, the lack of social skills to make and KEEP friends, the fact their afraid to try new things and actives cause if they screw up that will just make them that more of an outcast and be bullied more then they already are. Not just by their peers but by adults too. 

Instead of judging, try educating not only yourself but your children to accept those with disabilities (physical or mental, visible or hidden), we all want the same thing in life...to be loved and accepted!

Crafty?!?!

I have always been the type of person who jumps in with both feet (generally before thinking the entire thing threw). You have an idea, great! Ill run with it and see what I come up with!

You want to make that...sure no problem just give me a couple days and it will be done!

Sometimes this has bit me in the ass, but generally I can accomplish what I set out to do. I'm sure I've posted before how my "artistic" abilities (or lack there of) have varied over the years (cake decorating, baking, painting, crafting,sewing). I envy all these people who can sit at home and make money doing what they love. 

I know my talent will never make me rich, hell I would be happy to cover the cost of materials....this may actually happen this time around. I went to the craft store this week (by fluke) and they happen to be doing a seasonal change over! They were filling "grab bag" with random items from the store and selling them for $2 each bag. Hmmmm my brain went haywire! The girl just happened to be starting on a cart full of wooden items!!!

I said "can we strick a deal?!?!

She asked what items I was intreated in as she start sorting threw the cart.

"I said I didn't care what was there as long as it could be painted...let me know how many bags you thing it would fill!

She's like ok and started filling...and I mean she FILLED them. To the point she said let put it in your cart cause the bags going to break but I won't have to charge you for 2!

PERFECT!

After 10 mins if stuffing bags I walked out of there with all this for $8 

Completely random letters, some "welcome" signs, picket fence boxes, crosses, herb signs and plant sticks, key hooks, bird house, and flower stands!

Most of the items are 2-4 high and retail for $2-$9

I have many ideas running threw my head, many gifts, and some I'm hoping to sell to get me going on the next round!

Here's what I've done so far from this lot!!!

This was made for a dear friend who is selling cupcakes to raise money to buy her sons medical equipment!!! 

1 idea for my random letter

A lady bug plant stick

And my bumble bee ( did you notice I painted it backwards??? Me either till I posted the picture on my Facebook page 😜)

Some items I picked up (not in the bags)

Nathan picked this out, I just painted it!

And lastly a Skelton...what you can't tell in my the picture is...he now glows in the dark!!! It was a trial and error (more error) but I purchased the paint and thought perfect! The bottle shows the paint as like a slim greeny/yellow colour so I assumed it would cover that way as well...NOPE it's clear??? So I should have painted the skeleton then covered in the GITD paint. Of well, the kids thought it was cool. 

I hung it in the bath room with the light on, Alex went down to shut it off and screamed ...hehehe so then it was a game!

I've also tried a memory box last weekend when the kids where gone (plan on many more of these!!!)

Tell me what you think! Any other ideas I could try?!?!

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

This past weekend my parents celebrated their 34th Wedding Anniversary...something that most couple now a days aspire to do. 

They haven't had an easy marriage but they have stayed together and work threw their issues as a couple. 

I often use to say that I too hope to someday reach these milestone in my relationship, my parents are the only ones in either side of my family who have only been married once, and stayed together (other then my dads parents). The rest have all been married and divorced at least one time(some twice).

My moms parents (well her stepdad and mom) were together 25 years, decided to get married on their 25th anniversary and were separated 2 years later (a piece if paper can really change things THAT much???) I didn't know until my teens that my Papa wasn't her really dad or that Nana had another child from her first husband that we didn't see (not to mention that Nana also gave a child up for adoption when her and Papa first got together). But I guess every family has a story...ours just has many many bends in the road!

So as much as this post was to celebrate their anniversary, its also to let out some...not sure what word to use here....doubt? Anger? Hurt? Selfishness?

I thought my ex and I would also make it? I thought we would follow in my parents (and his) and be that couple that married once (so to speak) and stay together (his side isn't any better at staying together)

We had struggles, hard times, rough times but it seems like we had what it took to work threw issues and still be together?

Then January 2012 happened. 

So as much as I know I can't control what happened (nor understand what happened) I also now know that the chance of ever celebration a milestone like 34 years together (married or not) is slowly slipping out of my reach, and I don't see the count starting up anytime soon :(