Are there days where I second guess if I was ready to come of meds...oh hell ya! However those days are less and less.
If I were to tell my story to a stranger I'm sure they would assume I'm medicated. Heck someone today asked me if I was.
Didnt ask if I was depressed, just if I was taking medication for depression???
I was taken back...do I seem that bad?
For those that don't know me personally I come a crossed as a strong woman who handles what is thrown at her (or at least that's what I've been told) then like my kids when no ones looking I let it out (cry, blog, paint or eat...I know that last one isnt something I'm proud of).
Do I think I'm depressed...NO, do I have bad days...YES!
What prompted this conversation???
I meet with a new child/youth worker for the kids today (threw an agency we have been working with for over a year)
She asked me how I thought the kids where doing. I said "good" over all they are. She asked how life has been, I said "rough". Just when I seem to get my head around everything, something new pops up. I went on to explain how my summer went, how the last couple weeks have gone with new issues. Then she asked the dreaded question..."do you have a lot of support?"
Well of course that's when the tears started, yes I have the support of my parents and my best friend...but on a day to day issues...nope. It's just me! I'm the one who deals with EVERYTHING, I'm the one who make sure all appointment are done, all school stuff is taken care off, that everyone has everything they need when they need it...I'm sure to some you would think...that's what a mom does. And I agree! However when you have 3 kids all with medical/social issues that require multiple doctor appointment, multiple social appointments, counselling, school life, dietary issues and medication, it tends to get extremely OVERWHELMING.
And before anyone thinks oh she could have it soooo much worst...trust me I know that! I know people who do have more to deal with on a day to day bases.
I'm not looking for pity, I'm not looking for a hand out, I'm not looking to "fix" my situation. What I want is to be able say...today was a good day! Today I didn't have to deal with anything a "normal" mom didnt have too. Yes I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but somedays I have to wonder...why me? Why did I end up with 3 beautiful children that all have "issues"? Why can't I be that mom who can just call someone up and say, hey can you watch my kids I need to go ____, why do I have to second guess myself and anyone who does watch my kids? Are they going to be able to handle them? Are the kids going to behave? Are they able to deal with Nathan's food allergies. I feel like all I do is worry 24/7. I feel like I must have pissed someone off in another life to have all this thrown at me, then to have my support taken away as well.
In that I mean a husband/father. I don't and would never want my ex back in my life, and most days I wish he would just walk away from the kids as well. But that's only been like that for the last 20 months. Prior to us splitting we were a team, yes I still did everything I do today cause of his work schedule, but I knew at the end I the week I had someone coming home to tag me out where I could breath, I could relax, I could cry on his shoulder when I go over whelmed. Now I don't, I don't have anyone who truly understands what I'm going threw, what I deal with or how I feel.
It's a wonder I don't sleep, it's a wonder why I cry at the drop of a hat, why I can fly off the handle at a moments notice.
So sure most would read this and think...this girl needs help and fast, she needs to be medicated. But really what I need...is an honest to god break and a full 8 hours of sleep! I need the father of my children to be just that, a father, not a glorified babysitter who shows up every other Saturday and fucks our life's up. He needs to be here 100% to support the kids and me. Sure were not together but he can still support me as I support the kids.
Just last week, I sent him an email (talking in the phone doesn't work with this guy that's how bad he is) to explain what test results were for some blood work that Dalton and Nathan had done. After a bit I semi jokingly said "is this ever going to get easier? At this point autism is the least of my concerns" he's response...."ya really, pill and its done"
I was LIVID, I could have thrown my phone a crosses the room and smashed his face with a hammer (ok I would never but you get my point).
I calmly replied, after some very BIG deep breaths, "NO, you don't see all the work we do behind the scenes to keep him functioning" and left it at that
Oh course he went on to put his foot in his mouth and said something along the lines of "oh I know" but I refused to answer him after that.
That's the type of support I get from him now ...just pop a pill into them and everything will be fine! This is also coming from the guy who should have taken his kids on 2 one week visits over the summer (while he and she were in holidays) but after the first one, decided he couldn't handle doing the second.
So in reality I know he will never be the support the kids or I need, he's barely a person in our lives at this point. So am I depressed. I would still have to say no however after writing n retreading this I guess the assumption that I am isn't as far fetched as I first thought it was 😖
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