Well that went better then expected

With my aniexty running wild, I have felt like crap for the last week. As you may remember my ex didn't return the medication our youngest son needs to have prior to visiting his dad (due to a sever allergy to cats). Saturday morning I go and drop the older boys off. It's cold, it's raining and I'm really hoping this just just quick and smooth. 

He pulls in late, again. He sent me a message at 10:30 to ask what time pick up was for??? It's 11am as always, I asked for 2pm so the boys could participate in Apple Day with their cub scouts but he said no. Some how he had it in him phone for noon. But anyways,

He shows up alone (not surprising seeing how he talked to his wife last time she came with him) I tell him the communication book is in Alex's bag and hand him te little baggies of medication the older boys need. He says "oh ya, I'll give Nate his spray as soon as we get home" 

Now the first thought in my head was, if you were that concerned you would have brought the mediction with you so it at least had a chance to kick in???

"He's not here" that's it, that's all I said. Nothing more nothing less

"Um ok" he turns to get in the truck and then says "I think winter is finally here" and drives away????

WTH??? Didn't ask why, didn't ask where he was, nothing ...."um ok" is the only response I get after telling him he wasn't going to see his son for another 2 wks (making it a month total before he would have seen him)

I'm at a lost. I'm glad he didn't make a huge scene, however some kind if reaction to show he does actually cares would have been nice...right?

So then Sunday comes, I send him a message around lunch asking if he was able to drop the kids off to my parents house ?

"I guess so, why what's up?"

He has never asked before when we have changed drop offs, does he figure something up? Does he know whats coming??

I replied that I wasn't sure I would be done work in time so just making sure someone was able to meet him. 

So he shows up...early (see a pattern) comes into the house. We say hi to the boys and ask how their weekend was

"Good"

Now this is where I get pissed, surprisingly at my mom not my ex.

She starts asking question about what they did the minute they walk in the door. And she's not sly about it. She flat out asks the kids question in a way that 1 word answer won't cut it. 

Alex was grounded from the computer and game systems for 1 wk due to behaviour and the fact he threw his brothers glasses at the bus stop Friday morning making it so Dalton missed the bus and we spent 15 minutes in the cold frosted grass looking for them. 

So my mom say to Alex "how much time did you spend on the computer?"

"None" as he looks at his dad, who also says none

"What did your dad say about you throwing dalton glasses?

"I don't remember"

My ex pipes in "I told him not too" Good job buckwheat!!! Way to show the kid who's in charge. 

Now I'm sure this question may have actually thrown him for a loop cause he had the dumbfound look on his face as if to say why are you talking about???

I'm not stupid, not only do I verbally tell him everything that he needs to know I also write in the book so he has no excuse to say he didn't know or doesn't remember me telling him. 

So he leaves, doesn't really say anything to anyone, even the boys (who he now won't see the older ones for a month cause they are going camping in 2 wks with cubs). Doesn't ask for a hug, kiss or anything for Nathan. 

My Dad stops him and says to him as he is handing over an envelop of papers

"Read these, think about them before you make any decisions"

He then turns, say "bye" and walks out 

Hmmmm that went way to smooth??? I was a little concerned on what my night was going to be like. (Thankfully I still haven't heard from him)

My mom then continues to ask the kids questions "what did you do,? what did you eat? Where did you go?"

As she does ever visit and it drives me crazy, yes ive told her... But she doesn't listen. 

Dalton slips up (cause the kids can't lie at all....thankfully, yet) that him and Alex spent the entire weekend in the basement on the computer. 

"Pardon me???" Wanting to make sure I heard him correctly

"Oh crap" he says..."I wasn't suppose to tell you" 

Now I'm pissed off...not only did my son just lie to my face (Alex) so did my ex. He is not only lying about stupid stuff (again) he's teaching the kids to lie to me too. There is nothing about him being in the kids lives right now that is a positive. The lying, the fighting, the arguing, the stress is harming all 3 children (and myself). I'm so bloody sick of it all. 

I've said before I wish he would walk away, and to this day I still mean it. He needs to leave, figure out what it is he wants/needs in life and if at some point he figures out he can be a positive influence in the kids life, by all means come back. No questions asked. 

He's slowing starting to show signs if his old self (and not in a good away)

The next month is going to be long and stressful. I'm going to get Alex back into weekly therapy (something is just off with him and at this point I'm so frustrated with his ever day behaviours I'm at a lose of what to do???) I have a 2hr course to attend prior to our court date, on top of a quick little surgery (more about that later this week) and then court in the 28th. 

Throw in there the fact November-January are hard months already for me (emotionally) I really can't wait for the new year to begin and I can continue to keep moving on, hopefuly with more clarity and understanding!

Thanks for listening to me vent, it was much needed!!!!

Well I did it...FINALY

Today I finally went down to the court house and filed all te paperwork to finalize our parenting agreement. I never thought I would have to do this but the crap is just get worse and worse and unfortunately it was my only option to get him to stop. 

Not only am I being forced to medicate my youngest son so that he can visit with his father, but his father isn't responsiable enough to return those said medications. 

So now not only did Nathan have what I would concider a mild asthma attack he night he returned from his dads, he wasnt able to have his nasal spray the 2 day after his visit and as of tomorrow night he won't be able to start his 2 day prior too visit either. 

Were back to normal visits (now that the kids are back in school) so the kids are generally at their dads for 1 night. Nathan's breathing and wheezing has been better. But because he has them for the long weekend they where there almost 3 days. That night Nathan's breathing became laboured to the point had I had his inhalor I would have give him a dose (I don't medicate lightly. It takes a lot for me to actually give it) however it wasn't available and instead of take 3 kids at 3am to the ER, I bundled him up and took him outside in the deck. It was a cool crisp night which made him have to take deep breaths and after about 30 mins he finally started breathing normal again. Was I pissed...you better believe it. I wanted nothing more then to call my ex and freak the hell out. 

But I didn't (👏) 

As it stand right now, Nathan will NOT be going for his visit this weekend. My dad who is normal calm and collective is at the end if his rope. He has been completely neutral threw everything the last 2 years but not anymore. 

My dad is taking Nathan Saturday mornin when I go and drop the older boys off and if my ex has a problem with that he's welcome to go to my parents house and deal with my dad. 

Dad said "he can call the cops if he wants he is NOT taking that kid this weekend cause he's to stupid to take his allergy seriously. If he was a man he would grow up and put his children need and health before his wife's adult children"

And when I say my dad never says shit about anything I'm not joking. My ex has pulled some pretty crappy selfish things in the last 2 years that have effected the child just to be petty, and dads always the one who says "his is coming to him...let it go"

So now not only am I withhold a child (which honestly I don't think he will even care, one less to watch for the visit. The 2 older boys can basically entertain themselves with the computer and game systems) but when he returns them Sunday my dad will be serving him the court papers. Not only does it give him a court date it also informs him he has to attend a 2hr mandatory class prior to our court date. 

So my own aneixty level is running high tonight. I'm proud that I finally followed threw , yet in my heart I worry about what wil happen now that the courts will be involved??? I've never wanted the courts to deside what's best for my children but at this point without legal consequences I can't stop the crap that he keeps pulling. Not saying he will stop doing it but now it's out of my hands (sadly)

Single mom stigma...

When I first became a single parent I had a hard time admitting it. Every time I was asked to introduce myself I would have the beginning of an anxiety attack and my eyes would well up. In my first year of being a single parent I took a lot of class/course to help myself and my child deal with the transition that were happening in our lives (divorce, autism,parenting children with anxiety, ect). 

Of course with a new course came the question...."what brought you here tonight?, tell us about your situation. Tell us about you children"

All simple question, all easily answered, and I could tell you the answer. However the fact that all eyes in the room would be on me, everyone would've waiting to hear me speak, would ask me question is what brings in the anxiety. 

I'm not ashamed of my situation (I didn't create it), I'm not ashamed of my kids (their issues are not choices) and in all honesty I'm proud if where we all are today compared to where we were less then 2 yrs ago. We have all grown, all learned how to live a new life, all dealt with issues.  Yes we still have growing and learning what to do to finish "fixing" or "tweaking" our lives but we are a work in progress. 

I can play the conversation in my head, over and over again. I can see how people would feel sorry for me, how people could think I'm this weak mother who struggling to stay a float. And I think that's what gets me. 

I'm not weak, I don't want your pity....I want to continue to help my children and myself. 

So when I say:

"I'm Terri, I'm a mom to 3 boys, 11/8/3. I'm here tonight to help my son deal with his anxiety issues. (This course has Dalton participating cause Alex is to old but really the lessons will be shared with both kids) my son suffers from social anxiety, separation anxiety and general anxiety. He is a worrier, big time"

The instructor asked me to describe my home life 

"Well, I work 2 part time job, while juggling raising 3 kids, medical issues and everyday life issues"

"What type of medical issues?"

Of course I can explain them no problem. I'm not ashamed

"My oldest son is a high functioning Autistic, he also has been diagnosed with ADHD, OCD and anxiety, my middle son has anxiety and just an overall attitude, my youngest son has kidney issues, sever multiple food allergies. He was born with some other medical issues that have since corrected themselves but he had a rough start"

"Do you mind sharing what he has over come"

"Ummm no??? (Of course this then takes me back to a part of my life that I haven't dealt with) He was born with low blood sugar, acid reflux/GERD, he had 2 pools of blood on his brain that were causing seizures. When he did finally come home from the hospital he was on multiple medication, multiple times a day as well as an apnea monitor because of the seizures. At 7wks we were at sick kids having his kidney checked out. He currently has blockages and back flow in both of his kidneys"

Of course at this point everyone had "that" look on there face. You know the "oh you poor girl, that's horrible" 

Then come the all stigma question!

"Do you and your husband have lots of support at home to help"  

"No, it's just me, I've been separated from my husband for almost 2 years. I do have the support of family but on a day to day bases it's just me"   

And everyone's face drops, not just the other moms in the room but also the dads that are there too. 

I can see why I get the looks, I can see where they would get the impression that a pity party is what might be needed. BUT it's not 

Yes I struggle with my children on an almost daily bases (most parents do to some degree), no not everyday is bad (thank god!) but on a whole I made each and everyone of those parents thankful for what they were dealing with. Most where 2 parent households, with 1 or maybe 2 children. They only has "issues/concerns" with one child. 

I'm a firm believer your only ever given what you can handle (it the last 3 yrs this has been tested over and over again), I also believe there are so many people who deal with worse things on a daily bases then I do (hell I know people personally that I wouldn't want to trade shoes with, and yet they feel the same with me). 

Even though this is a stigma, this is MY issue! At some point I hope to over come this issue (someday). I was raised in a family where to this day my parents are still married 34 yrs later. their not perfect (in their marriage or parenting) but they have done their best and continue to do their best to raise us. 

And I guess in the end, I will do the same for my boys! I'm not going to be perfect, make all the right choices but I will do the best I can with the information I'm given to prove to these children that I've always and only had their best interests in kind when making my choices in life! And for that one day I hope they are grateful!

Worthier it be single or with a partner in crime (someday....soon! I hope😜)

It's a new week....again???

In the past almost 2 years there have been times where I take my life one hour at a time, one day at a time and 1 week at a time. I'm back to my normal self (not sure what last post was all about but I'm over it!) and currently living life!

And can I add, it's going by WAY to quickly! Not only are we in our second week of October, we are less then 3 months to the holiday season (I'm determined to stay strong this year...I promise) and then next thing you know we will be in to the new year???

The old saying is once you have kids time flys and I officially agree??? Where has this year gone?

All thought I don't feel like I've accomplished much this year really I have!

On a whole, I'm in a much better place then I was last year, I'm still working in this single mom thing (some days are harder then it seems...especially lately), I'm now working 2 jobs (exactly what I needed!), I've started doing crafts again and selling them (slowly but they are selling). The boys are good over all, still getting back into school routine, with the addition of Cubs on Thursday night it's taking a little longer then expected. The older boys continue to push each other's buttons....every single day and night. Oh how I wish I had 1 more bedroom in my house so I could separate them...oh how I wish! 

Alex has become a screamer (he's my oldest and is HFA), if something doesn't go his way or someone goes near him he just screams...even if he starts the game/playing first. When he's done he's done and by the screach he lets out the entire neibourghood knows (and I'm not making that up! I'm sure my neibourghs are happy that the cooler weather is here and my windows are closed). I use to think him yelling "mommy,mommy,mommy,mommy" repeatedly with out allowing me to answer was bad but now all I hear is "mom,mom,mom,mom". Gues its a sign that he is in fact growning up :(

Dalton is better over all, I figured out some of the issues he was having was due to the melatonin he was taking (he was sleep walking and peeing in random spots or in bed). I've lowered the dose and it still kept happening. So even though on a regular night he doesn't get enough sleep (he's a bad sleeper always has been...was almost 6 before sleeping threw the night on a semi regular bases) and by 5pm he's exhausted, mouthy, and just a pain to deal with, it's for the best that he's not wandering the house threw out the night! I'm hoping to talk to our doctor next visit for alternatives cause the melatonin was doing wonders for his over all behaviour. 

Nathan is adjusted to daycare (2 days a week) he's know as the class clown and keeps his teacher in stitches with his witty comments (I'm sure not all are appressiated). He loves the structure, the social interaction with his "friends". He's already made 2 "bestie" as he calls them...oh he's going to be fun when he's a teen! In the last month we have been working super duper extra hard at potty training, which is going amazing well (minus the whole pooping on the toilet...he's soooo stubborn) he's even been waking up dry in the morning! Another couple weeks and I can officially be a diaper free momma!!! (Can you feel my excitement?!?!)

Me??? Well let sum it up, LOVE working!!! Don't sleep, can't get my brain to shut off...especially at night? I believe I'm officially ready to start meeting new people (hold in to your hats folks!). I've come to realize that I really am more social then I would have ever imagined ...I truly honestly miss the normal adult interaction I use to have in a daily bases when married?  I miss sharing life experiences with someone who cares and wants to share them with me. 

No it's not going to happen over night (as much as I sometime wish it could) and I still need to get over that whole trust thing, and realize that yes most people out there are just looking for a peice of bum (which koddoes to them) I realy truly am an old school/ fashion girl trying to navigate in a internet based world. 

People don't meet like they use too, well maybe if you still have that large circle if friends (which I don't...all mine are married or with someone and their husbands don't have any friends for me to meet...yes we have asked! Only one said he could but he thinks I deserve much more then his friend could offer...awwww)

So while I say I'm ready, thankfully I still have time to get use to this idea as I explore how dating happens in 2013 (last I date was 1997)

So that a little summary of what been happening in my life! Would love to hear what's happening in yours...my blog is getting out there more now that I understand/use the labels. I even have a new follower (Hi!!!!) 

Need a hug?!?!

Ever have one of those days where you just need a long strong hug from someone who actually cares about you???

I'm having that type of day. I have no idea why? Over all my day has been good. But I feel like I just need that hug and a good cry to let it all out and move on. 

I'm sick of fighting, I'm sick of dealing with shit, sick of stress, sick I tryin to co parent with an idiot, sick of dealing with potty training, sick of dealin with kids that just don't seem to understand anything they are asked to do!

Why can't life just be simple. Even just for a day? I know its a lot to ask, I know its a lot to expect...but after everything I've been threw in the last 3 yrs don't I deserve some kind of break? 

I'm tired, physical, mentally and emotionally. Even on the days when I do get more then 4 hours of sleep I still feel exhausted. 

Maybe that is the issue...I don't feel like I sleep anymore. Even when I know I do sleep. My dreams are so messed up, so realistic yet so far fetched. I wish I could turn my brain off for 24 hours and hibernate with no outside contact. 

I keep being told it will get better, that it will get easier, things will change. But I've been told this for almost 2 yrs and in all honestly it's getting harder, it's more stress then it's worth, and yes things are changing, my kids are that much older. They are starting to understand what is realy happening, what their father is really like. The one child who is actually excited to go to his dads for a visit is the one that seems not to be wanted there (cause it's to much effort to watch him)

I know I've said life would be easier if he just walked out of their lives and in many ways I still believe that (100%), my stress may not go away if that were to happen however it would be a different type of stress. It wouldn't be the hurt stress that I can't wrap my head around. I don't understand how someone treat their children like this, how someone I've know for 14 yrs can change so much and become a stranger. 

It's to the point that I'm starting to question is it's me that has changed??? I don't think so, and I have some pretty honest people in my life that would step up and say something if I had, but then that leads me to ask...why? Why does he treat me this way? Why does he act like this towards me? He wanted out, I let him go. Sure I asked question (never gotten an answer and never will) but in all reality I have no idea why or how my life for to this point. 

I guess in someways I'm just feeling sorry for myself. It's been almost 2 yrs and I still feel like my world is completely in termal, I'm still fight for my kids, I'm still alone and after 14 yrs of having someone on my life I'm still not use to it???

Again, no idea where this is coming from, no idea why tonight. All I know is I need to get it out and let the tears flow 

Tomorrow is a new day and for that I'm thankfully (I think?!?!)