Single mom stigma...

When I first became a single parent I had a hard time admitting it. Every time I was asked to introduce myself I would have the beginning of an anxiety attack and my eyes would well up. In my first year of being a single parent I took a lot of class/course to help myself and my child deal with the transition that were happening in our lives (divorce, autism,parenting children with anxiety, ect). 

Of course with a new course came the question...."what brought you here tonight?, tell us about your situation. Tell us about you children"

All simple question, all easily answered, and I could tell you the answer. However the fact that all eyes in the room would be on me, everyone would've waiting to hear me speak, would ask me question is what brings in the anxiety. 

I'm not ashamed of my situation (I didn't create it), I'm not ashamed of my kids (their issues are not choices) and in all honesty I'm proud if where we all are today compared to where we were less then 2 yrs ago. We have all grown, all learned how to live a new life, all dealt with issues.  Yes we still have growing and learning what to do to finish "fixing" or "tweaking" our lives but we are a work in progress. 

I can play the conversation in my head, over and over again. I can see how people would feel sorry for me, how people could think I'm this weak mother who struggling to stay a float. And I think that's what gets me. 

I'm not weak, I don't want your pity....I want to continue to help my children and myself. 

So when I say:

"I'm Terri, I'm a mom to 3 boys, 11/8/3. I'm here tonight to help my son deal with his anxiety issues. (This course has Dalton participating cause Alex is to old but really the lessons will be shared with both kids) my son suffers from social anxiety, separation anxiety and general anxiety. He is a worrier, big time"

The instructor asked me to describe my home life 

"Well, I work 2 part time job, while juggling raising 3 kids, medical issues and everyday life issues"

"What type of medical issues?"

Of course I can explain them no problem. I'm not ashamed

"My oldest son is a high functioning Autistic, he also has been diagnosed with ADHD, OCD and anxiety, my middle son has anxiety and just an overall attitude, my youngest son has kidney issues, sever multiple food allergies. He was born with some other medical issues that have since corrected themselves but he had a rough start"

"Do you mind sharing what he has over come"

"Ummm no??? (Of course this then takes me back to a part of my life that I haven't dealt with) He was born with low blood sugar, acid reflux/GERD, he had 2 pools of blood on his brain that were causing seizures. When he did finally come home from the hospital he was on multiple medication, multiple times a day as well as an apnea monitor because of the seizures. At 7wks we were at sick kids having his kidney checked out. He currently has blockages and back flow in both of his kidneys"

Of course at this point everyone had "that" look on there face. You know the "oh you poor girl, that's horrible" 

Then come the all stigma question!

"Do you and your husband have lots of support at home to help"  

"No, it's just me, I've been separated from my husband for almost 2 years. I do have the support of family but on a day to day bases it's just me"   

And everyone's face drops, not just the other moms in the room but also the dads that are there too. 

I can see why I get the looks, I can see where they would get the impression that a pity party is what might be needed. BUT it's not 

Yes I struggle with my children on an almost daily bases (most parents do to some degree), no not everyday is bad (thank god!) but on a whole I made each and everyone of those parents thankful for what they were dealing with. Most where 2 parent households, with 1 or maybe 2 children. They only has "issues/concerns" with one child. 

I'm a firm believer your only ever given what you can handle (it the last 3 yrs this has been tested over and over again), I also believe there are so many people who deal with worse things on a daily bases then I do (hell I know people personally that I wouldn't want to trade shoes with, and yet they feel the same with me). 

Even though this is a stigma, this is MY issue! At some point I hope to over come this issue (someday). I was raised in a family where to this day my parents are still married 34 yrs later. their not perfect (in their marriage or parenting) but they have done their best and continue to do their best to raise us. 

And I guess in the end, I will do the same for my boys! I'm not going to be perfect, make all the right choices but I will do the best I can with the information I'm given to prove to these children that I've always and only had their best interests in kind when making my choices in life! And for that one day I hope they are grateful!

Worthier it be single or with a partner in crime (someday....soon! I hope😜)