I'm having that type of day. I have no idea why? Over all my day has been good. But I feel like I just need that hug and a good cry to let it all out and move on.
I'm sick of fighting, I'm sick of dealing with shit, sick of stress, sick I tryin to co parent with an idiot, sick of dealing with potty training, sick of dealin with kids that just don't seem to understand anything they are asked to do!
Why can't life just be simple. Even just for a day? I know its a lot to ask, I know its a lot to expect...but after everything I've been threw in the last 3 yrs don't I deserve some kind of break?
I'm tired, physical, mentally and emotionally. Even on the days when I do get more then 4 hours of sleep I still feel exhausted.
Maybe that is the issue...I don't feel like I sleep anymore. Even when I know I do sleep. My dreams are so messed up, so realistic yet so far fetched. I wish I could turn my brain off for 24 hours and hibernate with no outside contact.
I keep being told it will get better, that it will get easier, things will change. But I've been told this for almost 2 yrs and in all honestly it's getting harder, it's more stress then it's worth, and yes things are changing, my kids are that much older. They are starting to understand what is realy happening, what their father is really like. The one child who is actually excited to go to his dads for a visit is the one that seems not to be wanted there (cause it's to much effort to watch him)
I know I've said life would be easier if he just walked out of their lives and in many ways I still believe that (100%), my stress may not go away if that were to happen however it would be a different type of stress. It wouldn't be the hurt stress that I can't wrap my head around. I don't understand how someone treat their children like this, how someone I've know for 14 yrs can change so much and become a stranger.
It's to the point that I'm starting to question is it's me that has changed??? I don't think so, and I have some pretty honest people in my life that would step up and say something if I had, but then that leads me to ask...why? Why does he treat me this way? Why does he act like this towards me? He wanted out, I let him go. Sure I asked question (never gotten an answer and never will) but in all reality I have no idea why or how my life for to this point.
I guess in someways I'm just feeling sorry for myself. It's been almost 2 yrs and I still feel like my world is completely in termal, I'm still fight for my kids, I'm still alone and after 14 yrs of having someone on my life I'm still not use to it???
Again, no idea where this is coming from, no idea why tonight. All I know is I need to get it out and let the tears flow
Tomorrow is a new day and for that I'm thankfully (I think?!?!)
No comments:
Post a Comment