This gig may be up??!

Not sure how much longer I will be able to avoid the truth with the kids 😁

This morning Dalton asked me if it was a daddy weekend

I said no your at home with me this weekend!

"Is daddy still sick?"

Me " I guess so. He hasn't called"

"Maybe he just doesn't want to see us anymore"

My heart broke, my eyes welled with tears, and I was at a lose for words. 

Up until this point they have never asked where he was or why he wasn't coming anymore. The first weekend I was still in shock myself so I went with the "daddy's sick so your staying home"

But 8 wks later, still no contact???

Sadly, I thought I had this one under controll. There was supposedly a real reason he wasn't coming around. I had answer to what I imaged they would ask. Now I'm not sure that true. 

See in 8 weeks he's done 2 appointment to apparently get help...TWO. That's it???? If you really have a problem you would be at meetings and appoinment daily. But instead he's checked out of this planet and live on one that doesn't have responsibilities. I know we've all wanted to go there at some point in our lives, but generally for a day...or two....not 8 weeks

As we approach a birthday next week im really secretly hoping something clicks and he does the responsibly thing!?!?!

Mind you if last year was an indication he only remembered 1/3 of the birthdays and bought presents 2/3 of them (not that a present means anything but you get where I'm going with this)

Guess time will tell 😳

1 more week...ekkkk

As m meantioned before I'm in the process of finding out if I can have gastric bypass surgery. And although it feels like it's been forever since I started the process in reality it's only been 4 months since I attended a seminar that went into more details of what it would entail. 

January I meet the surgeon, and April 1 I meet the rest of the team and hopefully fine out if I'm accepted into the program?!?

I will admit I was a little discruntaled when I found out I had to wait 11 wks between appointment but now I'm glad. It's given me even more time to think and research and know whole heartedly this is the right decision for me at this point in my life!

Now I just need to calm my nerves and get threw 4 appointment next week....in one day!

Wish me luck!!!

Vent alert, vent alert

This may make no sence to anyone (myself included) but I need to get it off my chest! Sorry in advance!

Explain to me how you figure that you can't pay your bills, your child support or your debts but you can afford to go away???

You've been off work for 7 weeks, to seek medical help for a problem you apparently have yet, your away?

Your to "sick" to work, but healthy enough to take off?

You can't afford to visit your kids, you can't be bothered to call, you were in town and didn't have time to stick around to see them??? How does that work?

It makes me sick to my stomach how easy you have yet again let everything go! 

25 months ago you walked away from life, you've since remarried and here we are and now your walkin away from the kids again...it's been 48 days since you have talked to 2 of your children...the 2 that can understand, the 2 that remember what it's like to have a father around, the 2 that at this point have stopped asking when they will see or hear from you. 

Yet to make yourself feel better, you playing the daddy roll long enough to go to a doctors appointment with the one child who's to young to know any better. He will never remember that you ever even lived here, he will only ever remember that you seem to come and go on regular bases. 

Yet on the flip side, I should be happy! All 3 boys have taken this change so well. Their behaviour has improved 98%, they aren't sitting around on pins and needles waiting for their visit weekends. They no longer ask when they will see you, when your going to call, when they will be forced to go to your house. 

The only question they have had is when they will be able to get their stuff from your house, which you so nicely packed it ALL up last week to send home. 

Then today, I learn that the one reaponsility you did still have in life, you've screwed up on too. 

Today I learn that because you can't/won't be an adult, my credit and name are being dragged in the mud. 

I've worked to damn hard in the last 25 months to regain my credit, to get myself almost out of debt to let you reck it. 

Lose your van, I could care less, it will just give you yet another excuse not to see the kids...right?

But know, at some point you will have to grow the hell up! Your almost 40 years old and have NOTHING to show for it...nothing!

Your children will remember all of this, they will see you for who you really are (sooner then you realize), they will have a say in how or when they let you back in their lives. 

You have said for 2 years your biggest issue with me is that I mothered you, yet 25 months left on your own (even with a new wife) you have screwed up your life so much, you may never get it under control again. 

You have ruined so many relationships, turned your back on anyone who truly ever cared about you (yet kept those that help you spiral). You once had a family (immediate and extended) who would and did do everything they could for you for a LONG time, now...you have a wife...and basically that's it!

Unfortunately, I'm stuck, I'm stuck dealing with you and your shit for at lease another 24 months. Most would say for another 15 years but honestly once my name is no longer attached to that loan...you can go. Do what you want with your life and be guilty free. 

On a final note, your kids still have no idea what is truly going on. As much as I would love to tel them the truth, tell them know what a slim ball you have become, how everything that is going on is truly your doing and yours alone....I refuse to be that person. I refuse to yet again bail you out. They will know the truth in due time, for your sake I hope it's not Iate...cause your the ONLY one who's going to miss out. 

Regardless if you choose to be in their lives they will grow up to be happy, heathy children who have positive male (and female) role models in their life, god willing they will never suffer cause you can't be a responsible parent, they will never go with out because they are raised by a single mom. 

I will do everything I have to do to protect my children!

Really need to plan more girl time with my girly!!!

After a hard long, exhausting week with more ups and down then a mountains roads, I got to spend Saturday evening/night with my girly!!!!

It was so nice for us to get out, away from all the kids (6 in total), away from work & life an just relax!

Now to some it may seem like we are the lamest of people when I tell you what we actually did, but we had fun! (And really, lame is good when you live the lives we live!)

Girly hubby was kind enough to watch Mr Nate (the older boys were camping with Cubs) and I'm forever greatful!

I need to make a quick stop at a craft store that we don't have in my area, then a even quicker stop at a box store cause my stupid check oil light came on. Then we sat for 2 hours yaking!!!! With a yummy ice coffee at a restaurant. It was great.  We sat in a corner out of view and ear shot and just talked. Next thing we new it was 7 o'clock (I had jokingly said to her hubby if were not back by 8 go ahead and give Nate his medication, but can't see us being that long)....sorry

Then we went for dinner, we chatted even more, told the waitress we were in NO rush.  At one point we looked around and asked if they were closing cause no one was left in the area we were siting in. 

The 2 of us have not had this kind of break in a long time, I think the last time we had a night this fun was back when she joined me for a work function (my ex was workin and couldn't) and we went for a drink afterward. Just the fact we went for a "drink" makes me have to wonder how long ago that realy was...like 5 years ago...WTH????

We have desides we need to plan these night more often....and I promised her hubby, when his birthday comes around we can leave the kids with girly, and I'll take him out for dinner 😜

Girly, your love and friendship means the world to me, I think we officially know EVERYTHING there is to know about each other, I don't know how I would make it threw life without you (and hubby). You guys are the fourth, fifth (sixth, seventh and eighth) best things that ever came out of my marriage!

I can't wait to grow old and look back on Saturday and laught our asses off even more 💋

Has it really been 10 days???

Life has been crazy busy! Yet I still feel like nothing is getting done and I no sooner wake up and the day is gone?

Is it honestly March already? This has to be the longest, coldest, snowiest, windiest winter I have ever lived!

If it is relitively nice out, and but nice I mean  no more then -15 it's snowing buckets and buckets of snow. Once the tempature drops below -16 we need to factor in the windchill which really makes it feel like -45 or worse. These winds are strong too (60+ km/h on a regular bases)

So we have the option of wind so cold your skin freezes the second you open the door OR sunshine and buckets of snow??? I'm not sure which I prefer at this point? 

On another note, we had an early Sick Kids appointment this week (made the call to book for June and our urologist is leaving and wanted to see Nathan before he did) so with a weeks notice we made the trip. And to my suprise (and dismay) my ex decided to join us in this trip??? WTH???? He's been off work for a month, has made NO effort to see, call or talk to the kids but out of no where desides spending 5-6 hours with me and Nathan is a good idea??? Ummm ok...I'll play your game?

So I picked him up, then we boarded the GO train to the city. 

Overall the day was good, Nathan ultrasound showed his kidneys are atill enlarged, he did his first flow rate test (now that he's completely trained) which showed his flow is 51% (goal is 90+). I will admit I was shocked the number was that low. When he peed he has a strong flow. He sounds like an old man who held it in till the very last minute and is about to burst. His testicle is still to high but it can actually be seen now!!! So unless he has a UTI we wait, again, for another year to redo all these test (emotions are very mixed on this desision)

Between the stress of our appointment, spending unwanted time with my ex and the bitterly cold weather I was beyond tired and sore by the time I got home at 8:30pm. 

There is so much I want to say, yell and scream at my ex, yet I'm stuck having to hold it all in, biting my tongue while still trying to make casual conversation. Not an easy task. 

I did learn, he has NO patience for Nathan at all! The little thing set him off to the point I had to tell him to keep his voice down. 

In an attemp to give him yet another chance to show the kids he cares, I stupidly paid for everything Monday (train, subway, coffee....except his lunch, he wasn't smart enough to pack anything and I was damned if I was buying him food when we were eating from a cooler)

His wife did gave him money to pay for his expenses, but I thought I would nice. I said to him "seeing as your not working, why don't you come down to dalton soccer game tomorrow night, it's his last game if the season"

Thankfully I didn't say anything to Dalton, cause Tuesday came and went, and even though he said he would let me know if he could make it, I never heard from him all day. 

I also said to him later Monday night in a text, "seeing as your here in town on Thursday for an appointment, why don't we meet up and you can spend some time with the kids before they go to cubs?

"Ummm...I don't know if I will have time?"

Seriously? First you use money as an excuse (can't this time cause your already driving down here) and now you don't think you will have time...nice!

It has been 31 days since a he has talked to the older boys. 31 days....no text, no calls, no face time, no emails, no communications what's so ever or even an attempt to communicate with them. The only time I have heard from him is if I text to ask about child support or to inform him of stuff that I legal have too (doctors appointments, Nathan's toe ect)

He has been off work for 27 days and has done NOTHING to improve his situation so he can go back. 

I'm at the point that right now other then him paying support (when he starts again) it seems like he has no plans on starting visitation again. Which breaks my heart in one way, but on the flip side....my children's behaviour has improved 98%!!!!

Life is almost pleasent again, no fighting, no yelling, bed times a breeze, school is going amazing....it's been over 2 years since I've been able to say this!!!!!

Now if I could get rid of my stress!