Getting back to things I enjoy!

I normally enjoy watching the Olympics (summer and winter) but I struggled so much to watch them this year. I had no idea why. I would start out think ok I want to watch the ski and bobsledding then when I would sit down I would get all fusterated with myself and change it. It took till last night for me to figure this out...sadly missing almost all of the Olympics. 

It was a small trigger, and to some it may sound completely rediculas but it was my ex! 

For year the two of us would sit together and watch, we would make the kids join us (neither of our parents were ever into them in that way) and we would make it a family event. It was the fact that when something happened (good or bad) there was someone else in the room that I could say "did you see that!" "Amazing" they deserve a higher score" but when watching alone (like a movie or show alone) I go to say something and realize...no ones there 😔

I'm starting to realize how lonely a life is as a single person with no social life. Sure I have friends, sure I could do stuff with them, but I'm the ONLY single person, I'm always the third wheel, and always feel like I'm intruding on "their" time. 

So today is the beginning of the Nascar season (another sport I've always enjoyed), I have not sat and watched a race in 2 season...in fact I always avoid it. This was something even before kids we would watch together...or listen if we were out on a run during the race. 

BUT this year, I'm going to watch! I'm going to start enjoying things and fight threw the triggers!

It may sound silly, it may sound like a pitty party but it's none of those, it's ME taking back my life (in small steps) and allowing myself to enjoy the little things again. 

So as the story goes....gentalman, start your engines!!!! 

I was a Ryan Newman fan last time I watched, let see if that still stands????

Enjoy your Sunday! 

It's been a good one so far here, we got up early and watch the men's hockey team win GOLD!!!! 

Life is settling down!

While it's still in termol, it's slooowwwwlyyy get back to yet a new routine!

Last weekend the boys (all 3) had a sleep over at my parents house. They had a blast! They watche movies, played the Wii, danced, played pool and air hockey. 

I on the other hand laid on my couch, watched movies and suffered from one of my "attacks" (the same ones that have been pledging me since I had my gallbladder removed, yet there's nothing wrong with me, I'm told). I felt rather guilty just laying around while the kids were gone. It's not the same as when they "have" to go their dads and I do nothing. 

Speaking of which, he has still made no effect to communicate with the kids )it's been 3.5 wks). I have had minimal communication with him (thankfully). 

So while we adjust to new routines we have decided to get out of the house more....I'm soooo not a winter person. Tomorrow we are going to attend an art class! The boys will be making some sort of wooden melted crayon box...the picture looks cool (I will make sure to take pictures to create a blog!) 

Afterward I think we will come home and curl up and watch a movie together!

I'm going to once again enjoy my life and my children and show them that they are loved and wanted...especially by me!!!!

Stay tuned for a art project post coming soon!!!

Weekend Plans

Two weeks ago I sat and pounders what was going to happen come April, not only where visitation going to change but so was support. 

Now this weekend I get to sit and try and wrap my head around how to make it threw till May. 

April was going to be a trying month, the kids were supose to start seeing their father more (2night every other weekend instead of 1), my support was about to drop by over a quarter and it was also the beginning of birthday season in my house (yes when you have 3 kids who's birthday are all close it's consider a season! It use to be 5 birthday 5 months in a row)

Last week I went to take to the lawyer about what was going on, see if the steps I took were correct or if I jumped the gun (I have a tendace to do that...shhhh)

I had my ex sign a peice of paper stating that he agreed to stop all visitations with the kids till he was better and could show he had successfully completely the steps to prove it. 

APPARENTLY....that was wrong, I should not STOP all visits but alter the visits. She agreed that overnight were out but told me the judge would look down on me if I stop all visits. So now I have to get him to resign a paper stating that he can still have communication and visits as long as they are supervised. He already has it in the court order he can have a minim of 3 phone calls per week with the kids (he hasn't called on his own for almost a year to talk to the children). That he can see the child but only with an agreed upon third party person and he wasn't to left alone with them ...now here lies the problem. We've been down this road this past summer. I had found out he had been drink while he had the children and had said visits would stop unless supervised. He choose to just not see them? He choose to blaim the entire situation in me and tried to pass off the information and blaim his wife for drinking not him. But even when I told the lawyer this she said "even if HE choses not to see them, you have all the cards on the table that he can under these conditions! Which is what a judge would look at if he ever takes me to court to say "she kept the kids from me"

So that's what I did. I called him and verbally told him earlier this week, said I would have the paperwork done up for him to sign next time I see him (which who knows when that will be) he didn't respond. Nothing??? So I pushed the envelope and asked about support, still no answer. No emotion no nothing. 

Yesturday rolls around I had to go to the bank to cash my work cheque and I texted him to see if I could also cash my support cheque. Suprise suprise....no answer. I texted twice, called n left a message and emailed. 5 hours later (once banks were closed) he says no. I have no money for you till my insurance money starts coming in????

So now there is no visit, no money and a shit load of stressed thrown at me!

I haven't slept in almost 2 wks (to the point I laid down today with Nathan in my bed with me just to try and rest) I feel like a walking zombie, my kids are feeding off my stress (dalton has start waking up during the night again, peeing everywhere but the toilet, Alex task to me like he's 18 and Nathan, where do I even begin with him??? He's 3.5 going in 16!)

Thankfully my parents are taking all 3 kids for the night Saturday night to give me a break (hopefully this doesn't back fire) and so I can work. I've figured out how to make it threw this month without going in to debt (even with out receiving 2 suport payments) and can only hope I make it threw March with the same out come...fingers crossed thinks change soon cause loose over half your income with no back up plan sucks ass...especially when I'm so close to digging out from the debt of my divorce 

Stress, stress and MORE stress

While I still can't get into details about what's hapening I can share that my stress level has been threw the roof this past week. My anxiety level is on the brinks of getting the best of me (I'm fighting SOOOOO hard) 

Life as I've been use to living is completely thrown for a loop and I have to re evaluate every aspect again. 

I haven't filed the boys in yet as to what's going on either, nor do they know that this weekend when I say their not going to their dads that it's going to be an on going change. 

As of right now he no longer has overnight visits. And won't for a long time. 

He needs to earn back my trust in order to be alone with the children. He needs to prove he his head screwed in straight so to speak an unfortunately for me and the kids this could take months if not years (knowing his....were looking at least a year before he even start to attempt to make this situation right again)

Thankfully I've figured out my work schedule at the hospital threw to the end of March, my hours are picking up at the office as well. So the lack of money that should be coming in, may be covered for a short period of time. This is one of those situations where I wish I was more finacially stable and not so reliant on my support payments...but by the time this storm calms, that will have changed!!!!

People keep saying (as do I) "your only given what you can handle" BUT my goodness how much more can be thrown at me??? It's been an uphill struggle for over 2 years and everytime I get a chance to stop and breath....smash....a new wave hits and I'm fighting to breath again

And like that my world is rocked again

Looking back on my post from last week, life seemed so simple 4 days ago, tonight my world was yet again rocked and once again the lack of controll is hard to swallow

At this point I can't really go into details (me and the kids are safe and healthy no worries)  

My ex has made some long, hard, over due decisions about his life (weither on his own or by force) and after everything we talked about this weekend (financials) he dropped the bomb on me yet again. 

So now just after I digested my budget, I need to digested our visitation schedule (and fast). 

A friend told me in Sept 2012 that you will get to a point where you look forward to the "breaks" from the kids, it will make you a better parent, it will allow you time to recharge, it will allow you time to be a woman and not a mom 24/7. I told her she was out of her mind (she's been a single mom from day one). There was no way that my kids spending every other weekend away from me was ever going to get easier. In reality it hasn't gotten "easier" but the little break I get does give me that brief moment to stop and think and regroup. Nothing about visitations is easy in my word....NOTHING. Co-Parenting suck more then anything I've ever dealt with before (I'm sure with the right co parent it would be ALOT better)

But after 2 years in a round about way I'm getting what I've been asking for...weither that's a good or bad thing I've yet to full decide ....stay tuned as unfortunately my blog (Like my life) is going to get very emotional, very raw, and possibly dark (like the beginning)

BUT know this....at the end of the day, I will be stronger, I will survive and my children will have better parents!!!!