Sleep.....

This 5 letter word has left my life. I'm not sure where it went it or why.
2 weeks ago I ordered some new bed for my boys. So to say my house has been an uproar for the last couple weeks it putting it mild. Top it off with the joys of winter in Ontario, I have also lost water numerous times as well.f
So 2 weeks ago the kids and I packed up and went to stay at my Parents. Yes I'm thankful I can do this however 2 weeks of staying at some one else house with 3 kids and 2 other adults who work different shift....not my idea of fun!

We are ready to come home, sleep in are own beds, eat our own meals and not share 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom with 6 people !

So the new beds are scheduled to arrive on Wednesday so by the time my kids come home from their dads this weekend we will officially be back home!

Now back to this whole lack of sleep???
I normally can sleep for 3-4 hours and feel great! Yes you read that right. 3-4 hrs a night and I'm good. However for the last couple if years my dreams have made this impossible

After little man was born and dealing with all that I started taking medication for my panic attack/anxiety issues. I have tried many different ones and my current ones I have had the least amount of side effects too. The issue is the dreams. They are so vivid, realistic, and strange. They contain current and past people in my life, as well as issues, and just stuff that doesn't make scene.

For example:
The other night, my dream consisted of myself, my ex, his current girlfriend, my 3 kids (who always seem to be faceless???), my old boyfriend from high school and snookie and Vinny (from the jersey shore)

What was the dream about??? Well that's the thing, it flips back and forth. One minute I'm living in the shore house, the next I'm back in high school, sitting in class, then I'm in court fight the new girlfriend about custody of my kids (yes not fighting my ex but his girlfriend)

Most would think. Oh that's not that bad, it could be something you watched or something on your mind before you went to bed.

Not the case, it's EVERYNIGHT, and the dreams get weirder, and even if I wake up, when I go back to sleep it continues. Its like a bad movie that never ends.

Now yes I will admit that the stress in my life has been up, just went I started to think life was going better, and my ex had grown up and truly moved on, he does stupid mean things to continue to control my life. Things that I honestly can't control, thinks I can't change, things that effect my life even when I don't want them too.
It's a game he has liked to play for sometime now.

To top that off I'm working extra shifts, we are almost done our winter soccer season, my list of appointments has increased and I'm dealing with issues for the kids alone.

So yes, as I write this it does kind of make sense as to why I'm not getting restful sleeps. But this is my life and at this point I can't change any of it. So some how I need to find a way to add that sleep
back in!

back in

Who needs water????

Well...I do!
I can now admit that I couldn't imagine living in a time where you didn't have running water in your house...especially with kids.
Woke up Sunday morning to big man yell...yes yelling at 6:36am...."MOMMY WE HAVE NO WATER"
So after shhhhhhhing him I told him to use the antibacterial gel and go back to bed. It's 6:36 after all
But if course, I laid there and wondered...why don't we have water? It's not cold, we have hydro, maybe it's a park issue (sorry wishes it was a park issue).
By 7:30 I couldn't wait any longer. I got up, check the taps sure enough nothing...no drip, no trickle, no gurgle ... Nothing.  Enter a specifics 4 letter word that starts with "f"
Outside I go, check my extension cord....plugged in...check that the plug wasn't reset (seeing as we were hammered with snow 2 days prior...nope not that...so back in I go. My one neighbour was sleeping still the others were gone...so I sit an wait....and wait and wait.
Neighbour comes home, big man runs over...they have water ...grrrrr
So seeing as its Sunday, I have to work, and we have no water...we pack up and go to my parents   It's was a relatively nice day (for February) and maybe just maybe when we get home we will have water

Well we get home at 7pm.... Still no water....enter that 4 letter word again!

So now what? Do I pack all the kids up and go back to my parents...as well as lunch and school stuff or wait out the night here and hope for something

We waited it out, I called my dad (again) told him, he said he would come over in the morning and have a look ...yes once again I had to go running to my daddy to help me.

See the big down fall of owning a mobile home, is the fact that no one likes to work on them...especially in Ontario where I live...they aren't as common as they are in the USA, heck most people don't even realize they still exist in some parts of Canada.

So today I get up, fingers crossed that I would have water...nope, and the best part...we had freezing rain last night so on top of the 2 ft of snow we know have 2 inches of ice. PERFECT!

Dad comes over, rechecks everything I did, takes some siding off, heat tape is warm!, the outlet has power!, the main line has a trickle of water! Most would be very excited...no me

This now means I have to take all my siding offs the side of my house so that we can see the pips and chances are replace the heat tape...again...no big deal...except my dad works full time and the earliest he can do it is Friday. Oh and to boot, Friday is suppose to be -10 with snow!
So yes my life sucks, I have to pack up all 3 kids and go stay at my parents house till the weekend, but still drive 20mins each way to bring the kids home for the bus for school each day... But as some would say...it could be worse!

Oh did I mention that my van broke down last week too???

Happy Monday?!?!

Less the 24 to go...

To say my nerves are on end is putting it mildly. I'm literally sick to my stomach waiting for these results. I'm so afraid to know the truth about what is really going on inside of me. Some would think its strange, normally I'm the type of person who wants to know so we can move forward. With my kids this is true, I want the answers, the treatment, the game plan and NOW!

However when it comes to my own health and well being, I'm more of a well, something isn't right, something seems off, yes I'm in pain but ill survive, yes all the signs are there but if I don't ask then I don't know the truth. I can live with the consist pain I deal with daily, I can live with the fact my mensural cycle will never be right, I can live with the fact that no matter how hard I honestly try I will never loss the amount of weight I want to. But in this case, I fear the worst, I have had a feeling for awhile that something isn't right, something is off. But with the holidays and dealing with our first holidays as a "new" family, I allowed myself to wait till my next scheduled appointment to deal with my fears. I went In to that appointment determined to get answer. If not from him from another doctor. But he shocked me, he did tests and ultrasound and tomorrow hopefully I get the full results. Hopefully I find out if I do I fact have cancer or what ever else it may be.

Honestly, I do t think I'm going to know tomorrow. I think in going to go in, he will say he's not sure what it is, the results don't really show anything but we will go ahead with surgery and do a biopsy afterwords. So yes I may get answers, but I don't think it will be the answered I want and that i have a feeling I still have a long wait ahead of me...and I'm not sure I can handle waiting any longer :(    

Just a Rant....I feel better now?!?!

I don't know why but for some reason I still wished he cared...even just a little. I know there's no chance in hell I would ever want him back (and I mean that whole heartily) but to think that he still cared about me as a human let alone the mother of his kids?

Is that really to much to ask? Is that really unrealistic?
 

I think he would show more compassion to a dead fly that he killed then to me.

I'm just the bitch who makes him pay child support, who kicked him out, who left him with all this so called debt, the bitch that forces him to see his kids. 

Again am I asking to much?
 

I gave you the option to walk away completely till you had your head in order, but no you wouldn't cause what would people say.
 

They would say and see the truth! That's what!
 

That your girlfriend and your carefree life is more important then even your own kids.

No one knows or see that even though I didn't up and move that I also had to pay half of our debt. I also have to continue to raise 3 kids as if they had 2 caring parents. I have to deal with medications, allergies, temper tantrums, dr appointments, school and every other small or large thing that comes with being a REAL parent.
 

I have always said if you couldn't handle being a single parent you have no right have a child...or 2 or in my case 3. But when you put in that many years together as parents, to have one decide one day he done and doesn't want to play anymore, wow!

I never thought you would put your tail between your legs and run the way you have. I never thought you would end up being the father you always said you would never become, the one you use to bitch about and call a deadbeat.

 Oh right, your not a dead beat. You pay child support ( also ask to borrow money after paying it, but its paid) oh and you do take your kids, when you have to, otherwise you make no effort or even attempt to be a dad.
 

You use every excuse in the book....work, money, time, to many rules, I'm to controlling.
 

Why am I still controlling? Well since you asked....you have an issue with drinking....now I'm not saying you are an alcoholic what I am saying is you have an issue, have for years and your damn right...as long as I have to protect my kids, you will not be allowed to drink in front of them...ever!
 

Call me a bitch I'm sure if anyone else really knew you they would agree. 

The only other rules you still have to live by us the nut free home...I'm sorry if you don't feel your house ( which is also suppose to be your sons home) need to be nut free when your child is only there 70hrs a month but it does.  There is no way to keep him safe other then to protect him in his home. Is that really to much to ask for???
I don't think so
 

So yes I am again venting on here, but really at my stress level right now there not many options! I can scream (check), I can cry (check), I can argue and try and explain this till I'm blue in the face (check) but honestly your never going to understand the stress level I live with on a daily bases ...let alone if I do find out I have cancer...which at this point I can't even tell you about cause again you would be more sympathetic to that dead fly!  

A painting????

Why not? I can try, all I would be out is $2 for the canvas, and my time!
So I again google the picture....then copy it onto the canvas

Then I painted all the black

Then the yellow

And seeing as I forgot t take more photos between steps here is the finally product!!!

There is a big mistake which I didn't notice till afterward, but unless you go looking you may never notice. So this is my first or 30 that my uncle has asked me to paint between now and Christmas so he can personalize them for each member of his fire dept!

New Adventures!!!!

I have been a stay at home mom for 2.5 yrs, yes by choice, but also due to anxiety issues I have with trusting people with little man. His peanut/nut allergy still scares the crap out of me, let alone people who have never delt with it before.

So even though I do infact work...well currently only 6 hrs a week...so if you can call it work ok.

IM BOARD!!!!

Plain and simple, I need something in my life that I do for me, something that I can do from home, that wont cost a lot of money to start, but will bring money in. Something that I can easly walk away from if little man needs me or something else comes up.

This past holiday season I borrowed my moms paints, and got my craft on...I had just started using Pinterest and was inspired. These are crafts I could do, and I could give as gift. PERFECT....so I started with this

           After which I tried this one with my friends son as a suprise xmas presnt for them!!!

Here are a couple others that I will be attempting this holiday season seeing as Decmeber got the best of me and Im still not sure where the month went???

And Yes I know I should be giving credit for the last 2 photos, but honestly, I googled ideas and that were they came from. So now that the holidays are over, none of these items will really work to keep me busy, so I thought, now what...thats when it hit me. I had just spend good money on gift that I could easly make myself, so I just this week ordered some supplies to start making mitten clamps (to hold them on to kids or adults coats), soother holders, sippy cup holerd, coin purses, bo boo bags, and who knows what else. My sewing skills to put it nicely are....none, but my mom has a machine and I have a will to learn so why not give it go, and see where it takes me!!! Stay tuned for updates and more picture!!!

Yet another Doctors appointment for the boy

To put things mildly, middle man has had some issues. Not "medically" so to speak but yes medically.  Middle man is extremely emotion, easily set off, has a temper, and is extremely shy....all rolled into one, he is a child that either likes you or he doesn't and depending on theat minute depends on how his feeling.

He is a talent, extremely smart, always asking questions to learn new stuff, loves to take things apart just so he can try and put them back together, over all well balanced child. But then there are moments when I haven't a clue who that person is living in my sons body. I can look into his eyes and they are blank?

No this isn't just since our split up, its been since birth. Middle man was a temperamental child to put it nicely. All he ever did was cry, nothing made him happy except to be moving. As I deal with my oldest and youngest sons, i see so much of both of them in the middle one...now knowing that my oldest has aspergers and the food allergies the youngest has, roll them together and you have middle man.

Middle man I know now, had GERDs. Like I said he was such a cranky, crusty baby that unless he was in his swing all he did was cry...morning, noon and night....it was a running joke that if you woke him, you dealt with him till he went back to sleep. It really wasn't a joke, I hated when people came over cause yes to look at him, he was the cute, chubby, dark haired (LOTS of hair) baby that looks so sweet and innocent till he work up. And I'm sure your thinking, really how bad could it have been....it was bad...There were points in my life were I thought if I could just give him to my parents for a bit i would be a better parent, I would be happier parent to my other child....yes I can now admit, I had extreme postpartum depression. Of course I didn't know it at the time, but looking back I should have went for help.

So yes we survived threw the years, and middle man grew, he was still crusty (as his nickname stands to date).

He was a very curious toddler, he was into anything and everything, he loved to play, loved to read, colour everything that a normal toddler or child would love...but then the "other" child would show up out of no where and send the house upside down. We did everything we could to make sure this child didn't come often, we gave into middle more then we should have to avoid situation.

But really there was no avoiding them. Most thought he was just spoiled (and I'm sure on the outside looking in, it did seem that way) but he wasn't. He had "issues".
I will admit that when middle mans issues came to a head, we were knee deep in a fight to keep big man in school and off meds.

Jump ahead to the last year, YES things got worst with the split, however I was still managing thing....that was till the day where after life not going his way I heard middle man in the bathroom yelling....at his self. It still breaks my heart to even thing about it. But to over hear your 7 yr old yelling at himself in the third person, telling himself, that if he would just listen and have patience he wouldnt have to hit himself for doing it wrong, he wouldn't have to hit the wall and pull his own hair.
Yes he was having this conversation with himself, at that point I knew I had to get help and FAST!

So I called our local child/family agency that could help, we were put on the waiting list and thankfully only had to wait 2 weeks to get an appointment. After meeting with them myself, it was decided that we would start with some counseling for middle man...ya nice try.

We went twice. First time he wouldn't even go in the office, he refused to come inside the lobby, he sat between the doors (it has a double entrance) and cried that he wouldn't be like this anymore, he would listen, he would stop yelling and crying if I only took him home and didn't make him go inside and talk to anyone...yep I was in tears, hell the councler was close herself...she was floored.

So we book a second appointment, this time it was with the understanding that I would go with him into the room and talk to C with him...yep OK sounds good. I even suggest that he brings Koala with him (yes he is 7...now almost 8 and still sleeps every single night with a stuffy) just in case he got nerves or scared. I explain that he didn't have to talk about anything he didn't wants to (wrong choice of words I guess) that all he had to do was answer some questions the C had about him.

So the day comes, I pick him up from school, I have Koala, and off we go. He came in the building this time (yes i step closer), then C came out to bring us in....he we go again, the same situation as the week before.  After 20 minutes of her and I talking in the main waiting room (thankfully no one else was there) we decide maybe we should try a family session? Maybe then he would be more comfortable if big man were with us and all the attentions was on middle man.....well needless to say that didn't work either.

It wasn't until the day that after 4 tries that C seen or should I say heard what I was talking about, middle man wanted to keep a set of cards that he had been playing with in the room, and after both myself and C explained he couldn't, he processed to try and hide them in his shirt...Well I caught him, which of course set him off. He ran out of the room, down the hall and locked himself in the bathroom. By the time C caught up his was in the middle of his rant to himself in the 3rd person....she was horrified....I honestly don't thinks she believed me when I said he did it. She had tears in her eyes.

It took 5 mins to get his to unlock the door and come out.

We haven't been back since October, where at that point it was decided we were wasting every ones time by trying to force him to talk, they suggested I talk with our paediatrician...great idea....about what?

What am I going to him for? what do you think is wrong with my child?

We seen the doctor last week, after many tears, and heartfelt conversation with the rock, I knew going into the appointment what was going to be said...or so I thought.

I was sure that his main issue is anxiety, I have it, his brother has it, its the exact same path that big man took.

So I answer all the question, state my case and the dr (who I highly respect, and trust) says well it could be one of two things...it could be anxiety (in which case we treat with medication and counseling) or given everything you have told me it could be Autism.....WHAT!

How did we get there? I was confused, floored and scared all at the same time...of all the things I though he would say Autism wasnt even close.

He explained it like this, given middles mans delay in speech, fine motor skills, hearing issues, visionary issues,and temperament, even though he wasn't suffering academically, he had all the signs of a highly functionial  autistic child OR a child with sever aniexy.  Yep that right we could be on either end.

He said both at this point would be treated the same way (with a medication for anxiety) the way we will tell which it is, is if in 6 months of being on the medication nothing has changed we can rule out it just being anxiety....again Im floored? really its that simple???

"well No" he says, but at that point we can continue to test for autism and see how far we can get. His main concern at this point is to get him to stop physicaly harming himself, stop talking to him self in the 3rd person yet continue to allow him to function as well as he is in school!

So as it stand right today, we have started a low dose anxiety medication (almost a week in, could take up to 6 to see results) we go back to him in 3 months at which time we will decide wiether or not its helping, made things worst (in which case i need to call asap)  or there is no change.

Thankfully we see him in March for big man so I really dont have to wait 3 months to talk to him again about middle man

So on top of my own medical issues Im having, dealing with food allergies, a child who has aspergers and an ex who thinks its ok to treat me like shit...some could say...how the hell do you hold it together???
This question I have been asking myself a lot lately!

Where my stress starts

Last Tuesday after 2 years of fighting with my ob he finally listened and sent me for an ultrasound, you see when i was pregnant with little man the ob I had mentioned that there was a small cyst on my right ovary. It was suppose to be removed while they did my csections. However the doctor that delivered me didn't see it and assumed it popped???

Lets jump back to October 2012, I was at the hospital with what I was sure was gallbladder attack (which i was right) when they did the ct scan, they asked me if I had ever followed up about my cyst??? (had a ct scan in Aug 2011 when i was also at the hospital for the same thing)

"What Cyst"???

The 7...yes 7 cm cyst on your right ovary....I was floored!
No one ever told me about it or to follow up on it? Well turns out it was still there. about the same size and same location (from Aug 2011 tp Pctober 2012)

So jump back to my OB appointment, after he tried to brush me off saying that not getting my period for 10 months was normal even though I was on the pill to regulate them, I asked if he got the report from the Sergeant....nope? so i explained.
He says lets do andultrasound and see what we are dealing with, in the mean time go get this blood work done and I will see you in 2 wks for the ultrasound.

So on Jan 22 I went for the ultrasound...yep the cyst is still there. HOWEVER its now 8.5cm and its not in a normal spot....he was doing the ultrasound right in the middle of my stomach and when they did it in October, i was on my side.

So I question him....are you sure its the same one?
Hope so cause its doesn't look normal, let do a transvaginal ultrasound so I can get a better look....so now I'm informed that its larger, in a strange place and doesn't look good.
So we do the second ultrasound, he doesn't say much, then says...I want to send you for more blood work??? WHAT? for what I ask....well, I don't see any obvious signs of cancer but with your family history and the fact that your cyst isn't on your ovary but beside it.

Ummmmm OK, so off I go for more blood work, and find out I have to wait 2 weeks for the results.

So for anyone who knows me, I'm worry, ALOT!

About what, everything....not so much that i may have cancer....all though that does scare the shit out of me (but with my family history I was sure it would happen at some point), but about my kids.

What the hell was going t happen to my kids???? Their Father was suitable to raise a fish right now, not would he ever actually take them. What was going to happen if for some reason I did have cancer and had to have treatments????

Even though I do have a few...and I mean few, select people in my life that could/would help me, they all have family's of their own, with issues of their own they are currently dealing with. My parents both work full time, on different shift. Yes I have a friend that would take my kids in heartbeat...as she knows I would for her, But she has a very young child that is medically fragile.  Not that I don't think she could handle 5 boys under one roof, but there are to many what ifs to allow that to happen. Then theres my niece, I also now she would take little man in this circumstance (she lives to far for the older boys not to miss school) but she also has a full plate, and is dealing with soooo much already.And of course my parents. but like I said they work different shift and to arrange daycare for 4am-8am would be next to impossible!

So no my main worry isn't ....oh shit I may have cancer...its oh shit, who will watch the kids when I have surgery, how long will I need the extra help, how am I going to continue to raise 3 kids by myself while dealing with this???? and they just keep going.

I'm a very independent woman...normally, but like I said in the last 4 months its seems all i ever do is ask for help and it drives me crazy. I hate relying on other people for anything, yet alone for their help when it comes to my kids.

I already know I will in fact have surgery to remove the cyst, but its a matter of when and how long I will be down for. In an ideal world it would happen on a weekend that the kids are at their dads, that would give me 3 days to recover and not worry about them. But with the luck I have it will be on a Monday and I will end up in the hospital for like a week.

So this is what started my stress in the last 2 weeks, on top of the kids being ill and my ex being himself.... I'm ready to admit...I NEED A BREAK!