Life lessons!

Today I took another step to be the bigger person once again in this new family I'm living. 

It was something I wanted to do, however I wasn't sure how it would go over. 

Today was my ex's new wife's birthday, and in my attempt not only make her feel included but to also prove a point I had the boys call her to wish her a happy birthday🎉

It went as I expected. I dialled her cell number (they don't have a house line), my ex answered sounding a little pissed off. Alex says "Hi Daddy, is Sue there?" One by one they all took turns wishing her a happy birthday, she asked what they were up to and had a little chat with each of them. Of course Nathan being his true self laughted the entire time he was on the phone, you could barely understand him but he made it threw! 

He said "see you tomorrow" and I hung up!

Easy peesy!

To my surprise I received an email afterwards from my ex....."thank you, you made her day"

So this would be where I stepped back out of that mature adult/parent role and responded with

"Hopefully you will both remember that feeling next year when their birthdays come around"

Good move?!?!

Let me add, regardless if they had called the kids in their birthday I had it planned for them to call her as they did their dad in his. I however refuse to buy them a card or gift, mothers/fathers day was a lesson learn in that game. Not even a thank you from either of them. 

I showed my kids what right when it comes to family's and birthday and I showed them how nice it does feel for people to show they care and actually call!

Let hope this weekends visit goes as smooth!

Results are in....

Where do I start?!?!

After talking with the allergist, it was decided we would not be doing an oral food challenge (yaaaaahoooooo!) 

We did however do another skin prick test (where they put serum on him back, then use needles and prick it to see if a reaction happens) today we tested for birch (very common with peanut allergy), pollen, dander, egg, peanut, cats and dogs, dust mitts an some other house hold one (it was negative so I don't remember)

Here's a picture of his back...ouchhhy

He was suck a trooper! He sat on my lap with legs wrapped around me, head on my chest. The girl tried to explain what she was going to do and he was good till the first poke. That was for the birch, pollen, dust mitts, dander and other said one (first row on his back left hand side

He tested positive to birch, pollen and dander  

You will see a small blue pen mark to the left of his spin...that was where she tested for egg (it showed a negative result but he did blood work to confirm)

Next row (right of spin) under his blue birth mark you will notice the LARGE welt...that would be the peanut. Normally they leave the serum in for 15mins before readying the results however for the peanut she wiped it off after 5 because of the reaction  

Lastless, on his right shoulder blade the large welt is his reaction to cats (there was no reaction to dogs). I didn't know they were even testing these, but am I ever glad they did 

We go back in to see the doctor, as he is dictating his letter he said "Nathan show a strong reaction to cats, yet an almost negative reaction to dogs" I didn't say anything. He then asks me again if I have any pets at home (nope) but I did say that dads house has a cat. He asks me if dads aware that Nathan is allergic to pet dander (from last round of test at 10 months old) "yes he is well aware". 

He then added to his dictation "I would be happy to sit down with dad and explain these and any other results with him. Including the long term effect of exposer. I recommend that Nathan not be exposed to any animals at this point due to his allergies. Mom has also noted that she asked about asthma in the spring at which point (Doctor) prescribed Singular to see if that made a difference before using inhalers. Any long term exposer could enhance his asthma systems (note family history of asthma)"

So then we go down and do blood work. This is the second time in 2 wks my poor baby has had to have blood drawn (he had an A1C test last week to check his blood sugar). This time it didn't go as well. He knew it was coming as soon as he seem the butterfly needle in her hand and started yelling "please don't hurt me, stop please its going to hurt, in a good boy please stop" yep even typing it my eyes well up. My poor son has spent the day being poked and exposed to stuff that makes him feel like shit and now this. We got 2 big vials of blood and as soon as we let go of him he was fine...he asked for a Kleenex to wipe his tears, stood up and said "don't worry Momma I'm ok!" What a champ!!!!

So I get home and email my ex (now the funny begins). I knew he was going to start a fight. This isn't the first time I have brought up the fact the cat at his house was endangering his child's health. 

So I sent him the same picture posted above, with all the same information. 

His response "I'm assuming he won't be coming for our next visit"

Pardon??? Out of everything YOU just read, that's your only question or comment???

He flat out said to me "so your telling me I have to choose between having my step daughter mad at me or seeing my son?"

No I'm not telling you that, cause in my eyes there isn't a choice. I understand people love animals (I did too prior to having my kids) however as much as I love them it would be a cold day in hell before I would choose a pet over my own child. Now lets keep in mind...his step daughter is 23 not a child. Yes she lives with him, his wife and her brother and they all equally pay rent however she's 23. If she doesn't understand what this could do to Nathan then they all have bigger issues to deal with then I do!

So now because he's afraid to hurt her feelings or make her mad, I need to talk to a lawyer again to see if I can enforce this? His health is on the line and yet his father is worried to hurt someone's feelings. 

Have I mean ruined lately how much I love sharing my kids???

New job!

Well today went good! The morning ran smoothly and I was able to do the bank deposits before heading to my new job!

Nathan cried a little when I first left daycare (he was at the window screaming and kicking). 

At work I got a good jump on organizing their files (well it so I thought). Here's the thing, yes I've done LOTS of filing in my life however as someone who also does bookkeeping, I find it crazy to think that 3 different people touch and "organize" paper work before it get filed!

Their set up currently goes like this, the boss comes in drops off all the recipes in a basket, then the office person (currently me) group them together but job and company (its a landscaping/construction company), then the bookkeeper comes in (weekly) and inputs the data into the accounting system, then it's filed. 

So because the last person and the bosses don't understand how computerized counting work, they can't check to see what is paid, or why's been put in the system. 

So my day was spent guessing how their file system worked. She keeps saying to me "organize it so it work for you", however for the first couple weeks I have to stick to their current filing method (I'm going to need LOTS of pain meds!!!)

On a happier note, Nathan had a BLAST at daycare! He meet some new friends, actually laid down on his cot for an hour without getting up??? Seriously, my kid?

He only need a couple reminders about using an indoor voice (none of my kids have one...I blame their fathers side of the family), and not to slam the doors! Over all an amazing day!!!!

So now to get threw tomorrow's appointment and back into a new routine!

It's nice to be out of the house using my brain again...even if it is just 6hr a week (for now 😉)

Crazy scatted post...be warned!

This past week has been crazy and as I prepare to start a new week, it feels as if this one going to be worse!

Not only do I start my new job Monday,Nathan  starts daycare 😁, Tuesday we are off to the allergy doctor to do an oral food challenge for Nathan (I'll admit I'm scared shitless). 

My brain is scattered, my emotions are all over the place, and I feel like if one more thing is thrown in my plate right now I may just break down (with all that said, I'm also aware that I will get threw this week and next week and life will become a new normal for us) I just need to let my anxiety ride its course and remember to breath. These are the days where I often wonder if I should still be on my anxiety medication?!?!  On a day to day bases I do just fine, then I get week like the lay one and this upcoming one and think...ok I need a little help. I guess this us were the true challenge come in when dealing with medication for anxiety or even depression (its been 5 months and in a whole I'm doing really well...I think?!?!)

As for the custody thing...boy oh boy 

I went to the lawyer, at this point if I didn't let the kids go my ex could hold me in contempt if our agreement. 

I have to go and file our agreement with the courts (totally new to me??? No one has ever said that before) if they don't accept our agreement (its legal however the paper is called a document not agreement so they may not the lawyer says) then I have to file a motion for a new custody agreement. We can leave everything exactly how it is, but it would have the correct legal wording. 

With filing a new motion they will contact my ex by registered letter to inform him of this court date and time. I set him an email Wednesday night to let him know that yes he could pick up the kids and what was happening, which if course lead to the usual well let change this, this and this.  3 hours later and 48 emails and nothing ended up changing? 

Should I have just left it and let the judge deal with him...YES but the little things he wants to change are big in my life and honestly I'm not sure how the judge would see it. 

What am I suppose to do???

Lately I feel as if my entire life is being controlled by other people. my ex, my kids, my parents (well my mom), bosses....and anyone else who seems to come along. 

I feel as if I'm being torn in 5 different directions and the only solution is to run in that 6th direction. 

I would have never said I was in an abusive relationship, however for the last 20 months I've been completely mentally  and verbally abused to the point I keep giving in just to make him go away. I know it doesn't make sense to me either...we split up, but almost every aspect of my life still seems to be under his control. I've mentioned before that the time my kids spend with their dad, I work extra shift, any other time I work I'm grateful to have my parents watch the children so that I don't have to pay a sitter (really if I did pay one I would be in the whole after my shift at work). 

I'm proud to say that I don't receive ANY government assistance to raise my child, however the catch to that is I am dependent on my child support as my main source of income. That being said I constantly feel like I have I tip toe around my ex so he doesn't be a complete arse and not make his next payment. 

My shift I do work at the hospital basically pay off the debt I was left with from our divorce and if I'm lucky a couple coffees (honestly if I didn't love the job I would have been gone long ago) 

So here lies my issues this week, as I'm sure you have read, my ex admitted to drinking while having the children in his care. I made it clear that I will not have it happen again, does that means no more over night visits??? does it means supervised visited??? I'm not sure. I have no idea how to legally go about enforcing this???

All I do know is that if I do let this slide, it will continue to happen over and over again until something BAD happens, and I'm not willing to chance that. 

I'm going to meet with the lawyer again tomorrow to see if I can get some answers. But I will admit that I'm scared shitless they are going to say there nothing I can do to enforce this until something happens. That until he screws up to the point the kids are put I extreme danger that my hand will be tied. 

Another twist, he has made it perfectly clear that he will NOT do supervised visits, he will stop them all together before someone tell him when or where he can see his children and for how long. 

He refuses to do anything other then what is currently in place. 

Tonight he came right out and told me he things it crazy that I even have this rule in place, that I think I can control what he does when he has the kids and that he would put them in danger or risk his license (he drives truck)

I pointed out that unless he were to drink and drive his license wasn't in danger (which he never would). 

If I stop the visits (which my heart and brain tells me is what need to happen) then I either need to pay someone to watch my kids or quite my job (my patents are willing to help but they both work full time and won't watch them every weekend...not that I expect them too). 

Even though the income I would loses isn't much it still pays all my debt, and with out that job I wouldn't be able too. 

Im literally crying just thinking about how much pain and stress this guy continues to put on my life. 

However if I throw another theory into the mix, maybe this is his whole game plan???

Maybe he drank knowing that I wouldn't stand for it (kind of like the cheating), maybe he's not man enough to admit that this is really what he wants...to walk away an not look back (which again, I've had the gut feeling since he left that if he could and not look like a deadbeat he would). The only thing he has done is pay child support on time... Any and all other things that were agreed on, have changed (and I mean ALL). 

He has also made it perfectly clear all other aspects of our agreement would stand as is (minus visits)

I always say, the only reason support has never been an issue (other then the amount paid) is because if he doesn't pay he looks bad, every other issue he twists around to make is seem like its my fault and I'm the one causing all the issues ....not letting his take the kids, not drinking, not meeting his wife sooner, not being able to have them over night when he didn't have a house (cause you know a responsible father would try all this)

Which path do I take? Do I follow my heart? Do I listen to my gut? Do I give in again and pray that nothing happens to the kids? Or do I put my foot down, quite my job and tell him to walk??? 

I GOT A JOB!!!

Well a second job! I have worked 3-4 shift (2hrs each) doing TV rentals at our local hospital for 8 years....yes that is a job, or at least is still here (for now) not everything has gone 100% technical sometime you need to see a human and interact with them! And I'm proud to be that person!

Anyways, it's always been a "side" job and prior to having Nathan I did work full time as well as this job. 

I was very fortunate not to have to return to full time work after having him (and with everything we were dealing with I'm not sure I could have), its always something I knew would happen...possibly once he started school BUT this opportunity was present to me (never turn down a chance to work is my moto) and I figured "why not"!!!!

So even though this is all happening a year sooner then I expected, its currently 1 day a week (perfect to easy myself into the world of daycare me allergies....ekkkkk)

The interview went really well (obviously), I will start out doing administrative work, and expand from there to hopefully doing their book for their multiple small business. They also asked me about find a inventory data based program to help track their supplies better (again...ekkk) 

I'm up for a challenge! I've worked with data bases before (some good, most not so much) however they have always been custom programs that the IT department has created. Never one that you could just buy and go...so some research will need to be done. 

I start next Monday!!! I'm excited, scared & nervous. I was able to line up a peanut/tree nut free daycare spot for Nathan. Little pricey but a home based option wasn't there. Again as a mom with a child with allergies, I figured there would be more of us, and surly someone else in my community would have a nut free home...NOPE (not to self, if ever unemployed again...think daycare....hehe NOT)

I've used this centre before (plus), they currently don't have a waiting list (plus), they are more then happy to work with all if Nathan's issues , and not charge extra (yes some wanted extra to work with his diet, or me supply all his food but still pay normal fees) and they have all dealt with nut allergies (SOLD)!!!!!

We went today to "tour" the centre and meet the teachers. Nathan was a natural! He loved ever single minute we were there. In true Nathan style, he did most of the talking, asked lots of questions, used the potty (well at least said he had too), meet the pet bunny, and had a snack!

He picked out where he would have rest time (mandatory but not sleep time) on Monday when he went (they even marked it on the carpet with tape incase he forgot). It was so great to see him feel comfortable with complete strangers. He meet a new friend...I'm pretty sure she takes as much as him...her name is Winnie and she asked if he would be he farmer!( they were playing with a farm)

He ready for daycare (which I knew, heck I'm sure he's ready for school if only he was 4), I'm ready to go back to work (part time) however the whole leaving him outside of my home is very very scary and I'm sure there will be some major anxiety issues Sunday night and even more Monday morning when I pull out of the parking lot 

New job 😃

Lining up daycare 😄

Leaving Nathan 😁😜😩

Wish up luck!

Drop off gone BAD...

So yes drop off went so horrible wrong, I was accused of calling people baby names (Nathan called his wife stupid and he assumed he learned it from me??? Remember he's 3...if he had learned it from me stupid would have been considered "nice"), accused of pushing Dalton into playing soccer (the ex had informed me he didn't think he could afford indoor soccer this winter ...all $50) when he told them he doesn't want too (ummm bullshit! This is the same kid who just spent all last weekend playing with his cousins while camping, has started saving for soccer camp next summer, yet he all of the sudden doesn't want to play after his visit??? Could it be that his wife's daughter was trying to "teach" him how to play? Cause he doesn't already know??? I'm not sure at this point when I ask what's going on it leads to tears and him shutting down. So I have left it up to him to think about and told him I would pay for it all if he wants to pay!!! (I'm still wondering if it his way of getting out of paying for something, that he's has 12 weeks to come up with...$50 that its?!?!)

At this point my inner Pisces had taken over...oh how I wish I wasn't a Pisces someday! I have had a gut feeling that some drink may have occurred while he had the kids for they extended visit (most people don't rent a room (remember he's broke and can't afford soccer or bday gift) when they aren't drink and only an hour from home???  So I put it out there, I said well seeing as we are playing the lets accuse people of things, you may want to make better choices on who you drink around when you have the kids (neither of them are allowed to drink at all when they have the kids it's in our agreement). His face dropped, went completely white and he had the "how the hell did she find out" look. He didn't say a word, nor did he need to, I already knew the answer. I left, I wasn't sticking around to be yelled at

When I go home I sent him an email, I stated that yes I agree Nathan shouldn't call anyone stupid (again he's 3) he has 2 older brothers and it could have been ALOT worse, I also stated that I would be calling my lawyer about the drinking issue and until I heard back it was in the best interest of the kids to not be alone with him. He was welcome to find someone to do supervised visits (not his wife nor her kids) and he flat out refused! Said seeing as I have sole custody it was my decision but he was NOT doing supervised visit. He would just cancel instead. 

I asked for that to be clarified, he came back with I had 2 beers while I was on holidays and because I said something about Nathan calling her stupid you throw this crap at me"

This is where my now 19 months of patience with this guy has paid off, did I know for sure he was drinking??? NOPE! Did I have any proof??? NOPE but I did now and he was stupid enough to out it in writing!

I replied with "it has nothing to do with what Nathan said, I didn't have proof to give the lawyer but I now do" I deleted the "thanks" before sending it!

So in true "him" style he has now turned this all around on me, it's my fault he didn't follow the agreement, it's my fault he can't see his kids (which remember I didnt say he couldn't, I only said until I hear from the lawyer it was in their best interest not to be ALONE with him), and seeing as its my fault I could also tell the kids that its my stupid rules that are making it so he can't see them. 

See the controlling issue happening here???

He went against the agreement, he drank, he ratted himself out, he knew the consequences and yet it's me that's stopping him from seeing them???

So what am I going to do???

I'm still not sure? I do need to talk to a lawyer again, I need to make sure that it can be court ordered (seeing his history with alcohol)that he can't drink and decide from there. Even though our agreement is completely legal and we have been told it would stand in court, I don't know what actions would be taken if he still doesn't follow it? Nor do I want him sneaking it behind my back like he already is. 

Let it be stated for anyone and everyone to read and see this

I do not want my child not to have a relationship with their father (or his wife and her kids). What I want is to know that my 3 child will be safe while in his care, and if he is drinking that won't happen (I fought tooth and nail for 10 years to keep them safe while he drank off and on). 

I'm not saying he is a violent drunk (not physically anyways) but he does get very mean and angry when he is drinking and our children don't need to be subjected to that. 

I'm so stressed and tired and emotional drained right now all I want to do is cry but I can't, I have 3 kids that need me strong and healthy! And for them, I won't let him to continue to control me!

Errors happen for a reason!

 I just spent 20 mins typing out a post about how "wonderful" my day has gone. 

It was totally a vent session, kind of like my first few post. Normally I try not to post like this cause I'm trying SOOO very hard to stay positive and keep drama and bull out of my life, my bestie is away on a long over due holiday with her family so I couldnt even vent to her. Well as you guessed, my iPhone froze, and when it came back the blogger app had closed and never saved the post....whomp whomp 😜

At first I was pissed! Technology and I don't always see eye to eye, however even though I didn't get to share with you exactly what cause my meltdown today, I do feel better for getting it off my chest! I feel better just getting it out there even if no one see or reads...which with only 2 followers (one of which is my bestie) not many people see anyways. 

When I originally started this blog, I didn't care if anyone ever read it, if anyone even glimpsed at that was ok...this was 100% a selfish blog so that I had a way if getting everything out. Getting my anger, confusion, thoughts, fears, tears, screams, yells and all the other crap that goes with having your world ripped out from under you. 

Yes I should have been talking with a therapist/counsellor but as a newly single mom who wasn't yet receiving child support, only worked part time and could barely afford to pay attention, this was the next best thing. Even with benefits ( when I had them threw him) no one would make an appointment cause they only really covered one session...stupid!)

So I went on a bit of a hiatus, I went almost 6 months of not blogging at all. And when I came back I was in a better place, life wasn't any simpler but I was starting to get the hang of being a single divorced mom of three boys (including finally getting a autism diagnosed for one of them)

One night I reread my posts, I was shocked! I knew I was mad/pissed/angry but I didn't know HOW bad I was. 

Some things to this day still seems so raw and unreal. 

My blog is now still a place where I come to vent, share and learn (from myself and from those I follow) so as mad as I was that blogger app didn't automatically save my post (as the computer does) I'm also kind of glad! 

I was able to clear my head and get it out but I don't have to come back a reread it!

Things are good!!!

I've been quite lately but that's mainly because....(not to jinx it but) life is GOOD!!!

It's been a while since I've felt this peace and calm feeling in my life. Sure there are still moments where I could scream but what parent doesn't have them. 

Since the boys have come home from their way to long of a stay with their dad, life has been good!  We've been busy, we've done some play dates, some swimming at my parents, camping last weekend, and just over all hung out and did whatever we wanted when we wanted! Late nights, late morning wake ups and late dinners!!!

I'm not sure why or where it's come from but I'm enjoying this calm in my life. 

I've gotten to the point that I realize I can't make nor do I want to make my ex care more then he currently wants too. If he's happy only seeing and talking to the kids 4 days a month then so be it. 

I still let him know if something medically happens but otherwise I have no communication with him at all. If he says he will do something, I don't hold my breath waiting for it to happen, if he tells me XYZ is going to take place, I don't wait around. I just keep going on with life like I didn't know...example: now that he's married the kids can be covered under her benefits meaning I won't have to pay anything for medication or dental!!! Well that supposedly happened 8 wks ago, yet they haven't been bothered to give me the information (someone's afraid ill steal her identity???(grown up already) nor have they called to give the information to our dentist or pharmacy. 

So till I'm told otherwise I just keep paying!

What next on the adgenda: well the month of August is going to be full of lots of adventures for me and the kids!!!

This coming weekend the older boys and I are off to a Blue Jays game (with Autism Ontario!!!) then Sunday we are off to Cedar Park with my parents. We have some more play dates set up as well as a trip to the zoo, CNE, and beach day!!! 

I can't believe we are in the count down to back to school already??? The weather had been amazing (compared to the gross heat/ humidity we had in middle of July). 

I have some post in the works on what I've been up to on the home front but after starting a small project this weekend it's going to take another weekend to finish (I decided to paint the rails of my porch and now I'm going to paint the actually deck as well...next time the kids are gone!!!) my body hates me so much today. And I'm hoping and praying it doesn't need a third coat!!!!

Hope you are all enjoying your summer!

Back to normal post this week!!! Lots of cooking😋, cleaning😁 and playing😅