Awaking

So today was the day! I have been holding a lot in and biting my tongue when it came to actually talking to my ex. I have been able to vent but never to him. TODAY THAT CHANGED!
Today I got to yell, to scream, to demand answers (as hard as it was to hear), to demand an explanation for what I'm going threw and why.

I learned that that even though in my world, I have been blindsided and haven't even had a chance to take in all the new changes in my life. But he has know or thought he knew for over a year that he didn't want to be here. That he has been "playing house" just to make life easier. Hes been lying to me for over a year on how he really feels. So in some ways that explains why it was so easy for him to just up and walk away from our family. 

What hurts the most is that hes been living this lie while all the while I was thinking our life was changing for the good, that we were reconnecting as a couple who for main years were just living as parents.
I know we are not the only couple who have fallen into "parent" mood, who has let our relationship slide because our kids are the most important things in our lives. But in the last year, we have been taking time for US, we had been going on date nights, we had been make sure that even if we couldn't get a sitter and actually leave the house that we would still take couple time and work on our relationship.

So from this day forward I'm not going to dwell on what could have been or what should have been. I'm going to focus my attention and energy on making my life with my boys the best life we can have (no matter what). We aren't going to loss out on opportunity's just because we don't have him in our lives on a full time basis. Sure it may take longer to get to those special vacations that we have been talking about taking, but when we do, we will have all realize just how special our time and trip will be!!!

As a family we will make the scarifies to go to Disney land, to take those special day trips that my boys love to take. So what if we cant buy a souvenir and we have to pack a lunch, its nothing that we didn't do before.

I would like to take back the name of my first post and rename this one my new life. Cause as much as I want to admit that 2 weeks ago when he left i was ready to start my new life, i wasn't. but after our talk today, I AM!

I'm ready to focus on me, my health, my well being, my kids, and my new family.