This week has been full of ups and downs, smiles and tears, heartbreak and joy (as hard as that is to believe). But more important, this week is the start of my new life with my 3 sons.
Over the last couple weeks I learned that the man (a.k.a husband) that I love, have been with for 14yrs and the father of my 3 children has decided it would be best for HIM to move out. Yep you read that right, I was completely blind sided and heartbroken (more about that later, don't want to dwell on all the negatives).
So last Sunday when he left for work, he officially moved out. He knew when he was done work at the end of this week he would need to find someplace else to live. It wasn't fair to me or the kids to have him still coming home,"pretending" we were a happy family.
So this week I rearrange my entire house.
Before hand, we shared our room (which is almost like 2) with our 18mth old son (more about him later as well. He will need a few post to understand), and the other bedroom was share by our 6 and 9 yr old sons. We had always talked about give the kids the bigger bed room and us either moving to the "dinning/playroom" or into the small bedroom (which he was never to really liked the idea of). SO as the first step in my new life, I went ahead and did it!!!
My older 2 boys now have the large bedroom, my toddler now has his own bedroom and I'm in the toy room! The kids love the idea of having all their stuff in one area!
Now as liberating as it was to make the change, I will omit that for a couple minutes during the process I was completely scared of how he would reach to it (keep in mind that the man I thought I was living with has changed so much in the last 5 wks its like dealing with a complete stranger)
For the first time in what seems like forever, my children have been going to bed with out an issue (even the toddler). Its soooo nice to have a "normal" feeling in my life!
We decided last week when he left that we would sit down and tell the kids this weekend when he stopped by for a visit (here comes the tears). I have suspected for a while that my 9yr old knew something was up but I don't think he knew just how serious it was (my husband is normally gone from Sunday night till Friday morning so they would have wondered where he was all week). My 6yr old is a typically 6yr old and even if he thought something was up as soon as another thought came in he would have forgot the first one.
So after what seemed like the longest week of my life, I finally told my parents what was going on (they were super supportive,SHOCKED, but supportive) I knew I couldn't face them in person or even on the phone to give them the news so I chickened out and sent my mom a facebook message ( I know it sound really bad, but I'm super emotional on the best of days let alone the last couple)
I told her that first off me and the kids were safe and OK, that my husband and I had decided it was best for all of us, especially the kids that he move out. We didn't know if it was a final decision but for now it was the best one for the children. I asked her not to call me or ask question cause for 1 - I wasn't ready to deal with details and more then likely wouldn't have all the answers. and 2- my kids didn't know so to have them hear me talk about it wasn't how they were going to find out.
So I have spent the whole week trying to figure out how on heavens green earth I was going to tell my children that their father was walking out the door...why you ask because he didn't/doesn't know how he feels about me, himself, life or anything else. He does know that his main concern is his children. He says he loves me but thinks we would be better off as friends. Honestly, I don't know how he expects me to be his "friend" after everything we have been threw as a couple (again more details to follow) or everything he is about to put me threw.
So as Saturday morning nears I get more and more stressed about this, to the point that I'm having panic attacks. I have had to put my toddler in his crib so I could sit in the bathroom and talk myself "down" ( I have been dealing with major anxiety for almost 18ths now and have finally in the last 3 months decided that I needed to do something about it). I received a bbm @ 11:25am Saturday morning saying he was on his way (your right, yet another panic attack) I start thinking about the fact I am about to break my kids hearts, I have to see him for the first time since he left, and I have to trust him not to tell the kids while I'm at work for 2 hours. Personally I think he was more afraid of the conversation then I was but I wanted to make sure I would be there for my kids when they find out, to make sure they understand its nothing they have done, nothing they could have did and that we both still love them as much as the day they were born. This is what is best for everyone involved (or so I keep telling myself) and that they could still talk to daddy when ever they wanted to and would still see him every week.
The conversation went about as well as I had except. My 9yr old said he already knew then instead of dealing with the news he started playing with my toddler who thankfully had no idea what the heck is happening. My 6yr old broken in to tears the minute the words left his dad's mouth, which of course started mine all over again. I hugged him and told his everything I wanted to say to try and help him deal with things. After some intense minutes he settled down and said he didn't have any questions and wanted to leave the room. I at that point thought that was what was best for him. I have never seen him respond like this before and as much as I think he needed his time, so did I.
All week the boys and I had been planning a movie night for Saturday (something that we often did as a family anyways). So I had stopped after work and grabbed a movie.
After my husband went and packed the rest of his clothed (which I had asked for him to wait till after the talk to do) he was standing at the front door and called all the kids to say goodbye. My middle man was dumbfounded at the fact of what was really going on, he breaks into tears again and says " why are you leaving? We are suppose to be watching a movie together?" Again my heart breaks for him (and me) and I explain that no daddy is leaving and it will just be mommy and them watching the movie tonight. NOW I will omit, that I did think "hubby" was going to ask if it was OK if he stayed and watch the movie with us BUT noooo, he gave the kids a kiss and hug and left. I was so pissed, heartbroken and frustrated all at the same time that had my kids not been in the room with me I would have lost my mind. This is not the man I feel in love with 14 yrs ago, nor is he the man i thought i was raising my family with. It was if he was a complete stranger living in his body.
All in all the night went OK, we watched our movie as a "new" family, did our new bedtime routine, and after a bit of a fight between the 2 oldest everyone settled down for the night. I on the other hand was in for a long night yet again. After a quick call from my mom, I was ready to talk to my rock (my niece and best friend). She completely understands what I'm going threw (by no choice of her own and I pray her end result is different).
I'm sorry the first post is so long but as I get into more details about myself and my life it will make more sense. I'm really hoping that by sharing my story and feels not only will it help me understand what happened but may help other people to know they are not alone!
As hard as your life may seem at any given moment, you need to stop and remember all the things that are positives in your life, all the blessings (even when in may not seem like it) you have in your life!
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