What you need to understand is, I never seen this coming AT ALL.
Its not like we had been fighting or anything like that where both party's start to get the feeling like this isn't going to work (and trust me when I say I have had those feeling before but I have always worked on our relationship when they did arise and we always got back to a good place).
To be completely honest with you, I simply asked him one night what his issue was that day (he had been grumpy for about 2 wks but with xmas coming up and being on one income for the first time in years, he was working extra hours so that we could pay cash for xmas!!!)
The answer I got, "I'm tired and stressed". Yes he had been working long hard hours and yes it was coming up on a slow time of year that we always get concerned about wither or not he would get laid off (thankfully he didn't).
The next day he went into town to pick something up so I sent him a bbm asking if we were all right. He had been really quite all day and its not like him at all.
He sends me a message back and says we will talk when he gets home...???
My heart sunk, I didn't know what it was we need to talk about, I couldn't imagine what was going threw his head or what was about to come out of his mouth.
He starts by saying he doesn't care about anything other then the kids...I ask what he means?
He doesn'y care about himself, his job, me, or anything.
I'm completely shocked, I'm looking at the man who has been there for me threw thick and thin for 14 years and he has no emotions? He is completely calm, cool and collective. I on the other hand am now crying. How could the man I love be having theses feeling and I not realize? How could he be in a place where he can admit this to me and I never seen it coming?
From the out side looking in, we were in a great place. Over the years we have been threw alot and have struggled to stay strong. But as a couple we have always worked there everything and always came out stronger then ever.
I asked him if he thought maybe he was depressed? He said he didn't thinks so. I asked if he wanted to go see our doctor and talk to him and maybe get some help, wither it be medication, therapy or whatever he may need to help him.
He say he doesn't know.
So now I'm staring at a man who I love with my whole heart and he seems a million miles away. Hes out in left field and staring at the sun.
I ask more question. Like, whats does he want to do, where does he want this to go, how can I help, can I help, is there anything I can do to take some of the stress away? Everything is answered with "I don't know"
After about 3 hours of trying to get him to open up, he hits me with "I think I need to move out" I'm stunned, shocked, heartbroken, and at a lost for words. He could not have told me anything that would have shocked me more.
With that new information, I get up and walk into our bedroom. I'm a basket case, I cant stop crying, I feel the walls closing in, my heart is pounding out of my chest, my head is spinning....yep I'm having another attack.
By dinner time, he decided hes going to call in sick to work. With that I think great, we can talk more after the kids are in bed and get to the bottom of this. Kids go to bed, I get ready for bed and he....falls asleep on the couch. I go out and try and wake him but of course nothing. The next morning after the older 2 have gone to school. I sit on the couch determined to get answers. Of course the more question I have the less answer he has. Its always..."I don't know"
He says he still loves me but he doesn't know what he wants, he want to like himself again.
This of course breaks my heart, how could he not love himself? He was a wonderful man, a great husband and father, he was successful at his job, he had made great strides in life, we were the parent of 3 wonderful boys, we owned our own home, had just bought a new van (with out help for family), we were on the right track to be debit free in less then 2 years (except for mortgage) and we were even talking about selling our little house and getting a bigger one. But some how he doesn't know if this is what he wants in life.
He leaves for work that night, leaving me to stew on what is to come? With Christmas less then 3 wks away my first thought is the kids. How can this be happening to us, to my family?
He gets home the next weekend, tired and grumpy and all I want is answers. I'm afraid to push to much cause he is closing up the more I ask or try and figure things out. All that was decided this weekend was that we would keep think quite till after the holiday. This would give us both time to figure things out.
For him: where he was going to go, what he was going to do, how he was going to start a new life to make himself happy again.
For me: how was I going to raise my kids without him, how was I going to be able to keep our home when I'm not working. How was I going to be able to get over my issues with my little man to be able to go to work and support us? How was I going to explain to everyone what the hell was happening.
Between the second weekend and the new year, things seemed to be going good. We were almost like a normal family. We went our shopping with my parents, had dinner out, had family movie nights, played games with the kids as well as dealt with normal everyday issues. I was almost to the point that I thought if I just stop pushing for answers and ride this out that he would realize he needed help and would take the steps to keep our family together.
Then New Years even hit. We never really do anything special for new years, we just hang out with the kids and if we lucky we may seen midnight. So we decide that we would have a family night, we watch a movie and put the kids to bed. I'm sitting on the couch wondering whats going to happen. The holidays were over and that is what we agreed we would stay together for.
This is were things start to change. We talked again new years eve and his story stayed the same, he loved me but thought we were better off as friends.....REALLY FRIENDS??? After 14 yrs you want to just be my friend? When I asked what he wanted at the end of the day his story was still "he didn't know". He didn't know if he wanted to be with me, he didn't know if he wanted to be a family, he didn't know if he want it to all end.
Again me thinking that if I just ride this out he would realize that he needed to talk to someone and get some help. And for the sake of the kids he would continue to stay he till he could find a place of his own. WE thought this was for the best, WE decided as parents that until he could answer where he wanted to be at the end of all this the best place to be was here. Why put our kids threw all this if when everything was said and done we would be together....or so I thought WE decided.
The weekend after new years, he had made his decision. He was moving out. He was going to walk away from me, the kids, my family, everything. He was going to make this move with no clear answers.
So on the Sunday when he left for work he wasn't coming back to live here. His sister was going to let him stay there for now. We switched vans (mine was older then his and he had been using it to travel back and forth to work), he takes all the keys to his and me to mine, plus his house key. He left with the items he normaly did for a weeks worth of work. Nothing more, nothing less.
So in a matter of 5 weeks, I went from being in love with my husband and father to my kids, to being completely heartbroken and a single mom of 3 kids who wasn't working.
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