WHY?

This is a question I have been asking myself alot lately.

Why did he leave? Why cant he see how much he has hurt everyone involved? Why do I have to clean up his dirty work? Why do I have to be the only one to deal with the after math?

I mentioned this weekend that I thought the older boys may need to so see a counseler and he says "oh they're fine, alot of kids go threw this. Its only been a week. How could they need help?
We arse face, I know this cause again I'm the one left dealing with everything. Of course you dont see it cause the breif 3ish hours you spend with them now a week, they try there hardest to be good.

WHY? Cause they think that if they are you will come back, they think that if they show you how strong they are you will relize you didnt have to leave. if they act the way "perfect" children act, you wont be stressed. Little do they know that no matter what they do, you left for other reasons. You took the cowardly way out. Instead of dealing with "your" issues, you put yourself in a situation where I would make the choice for you. Again...WHY? So you could hold it over my head that I told you to leave, so you didnt have to admit to me that it wasnt anything I did, so you dont have to admit that your in a depresstion and need help more then me and the kids could ever need.

You got to pack your bag, walk out the door and pretend that everything is just fine. When your so called friends ask what happen I can just imagine the story you have come up with. Seeing as none of them liked me to begin with, I'm sure you all sat back last night with your beers and had a good laught at my expense. Funny how they dont even the truth, funny how your not ashamed of what you have done but you still hide it from them....again WHY? Cause its none of their business (or so you tell me).

NO, its cause your not man enough to say "yes, I walked out on my wife of 14years and our 3 boys. Yes, I have left her in a position that she is going to have to deal with issues that as a couple where stressfull enough, but thats ok she can handle it" Funny how that converastion will never come up to them

I realy wish you could see what I have to deal with everytime you stop by for a visit. You dont see that fact that middle man starts taking everything out on big man. You dont see him get so mad that he punchs the wall, counter, the door or even his brother. You dont see the pain in his eyes when I ask him what the issue is, or the tears that flow when he does admit that he is pissed off at you. Your not here to reasure them that you will love them till the day you die, because they are your kids and nothing they can do will ever change that.

You also dont see how hard big man tries to be perfect. How he completely issolates himself to his room to avoid middle and little man. How he no longer enjoys the things he use to. If he doesnt have him nose in a book or writing matchs hes pretending to eat. You dont see how hard he tries to help around the house, so Im not so stressed. How he takes it upon himself to be a dad to little man. He tells him everynight that he loves him and will never leave him.

You dont see how little man is acting. I know hes more then likely to young to really understand whats going on, but trust me he knows. He screams, he yells, he hits his head. He hit the walls and door just like middle man everytime he is told no or doesnt get his own way.

These are just a few of the why's I get to ask myself when it come to you. I know I will never get answers, I know that until your forced to deal with them, you will never understand just how hard this is on them and me....but thats right, you dont really care now do ya???

PS. I couldnt get spell check to work tonight so please forgive the 100"s of spelling mistakes Im sure I made. The more you get to know me the more you will understand why spell check was invented :)