RESENTMENT

This is not a word I use lightly or can say I really have ever felt before, however its the first word that pops into my head today when someone asked "how I was holding up".

What do I resent?

For starter, lately my ex! He has left me in a situation that I never thought I would be put in. He left so quickly that I never really had a chance to deal with my own feeling about the end of a relationship let alone how I was going to manage to raise 3 very energetic boys (1 that has anxiety issues and 1 that could be labeled special needs).
I resent the fact that he gets to make all the decisions right know. He get to walk out the door and move on with his life as if we didn't even exist. Sure he says he will still see the kids and right now its hard cause he away at work 5 nights a week and is staying at his sister which is almost 30 minutes away. I'm thinking the same thing, no made how hard it is I would be making every attempt to see my kids as often as I could.
Don't get me wrong, I give him as much time as he would like. Here lies one of the problems.
With everything chance I give him there is always something else he would rather do or cant afford to do.
It really pisses me off that not only does he get to move on that easily but that I'm now left to deal with all the backlash.
He hasn't been close with his side of the family for many many years (other then our niece and her family...a.k.a my rock). So my family has been his man family for 14 years. But of course because its "my" family I'm the one left to tell everyone that we have split up and answer all the question (even if I don't have the answers). I'm left to handle the kids as best as I can as they deal with their "new" family. I'm left listening to the screaming, the fighting, the tears, the fears, the question, the idea that its some how something they have done, or something that one of their brothers have done.
No matter how much I tell them I love them and will always be here for them, the only thing it seems like they care about right now is the fact their dad walked out.
I'm left dealing with my own issues over the break up and the fact that with no notice or warning my entire life is changed now. I have more then my fair share of issues to deal with on a daily bases let alone all the new stuff that is being thrown at me.

I know the older kids are pushing their limits just to see how much they can get away with and I knew to expect it, BUT they are kids and they know how to push the buttons and drive me crazy. This also is nothing I'm generally not use to, but before I could rely on him to back me up. I knew I just had to get threw the week and he would be home (even if I took it one day, one hour or one minute at a time...he would be back). I always feel bad when I do loose my patients with them, right know its even worst.
Sure he says he will come on the weekend to watch them so that I can work a shift on not have to pay a sitter, but really....I think I would rather be paying someone! All his visits seem to do is make the kids act worse, till I can convince them that I will not put up with the behaviour.
I can honestly say I never in a million zillion years thought that IF someday we did split that this is the guy father he would be. I know its still all really new for all of us, but if this is already happening then whats to come? Normally things start out good. fathers what to see their kids, do stuff with them, spoil them so to speak. But it feels like I'm forcing him to see them.  Last week (which was when he "officially" moved out), he never called once, he never even sent me a bbm about them. I was crushed. I kept thinking that my kids whole lifes were about to change and they have no idea.  Again its not like he called "them" on a regular bases but he did call home every night to talk with me, and of course I would ask if they wanted to talk to him. The scary part about last week is not once did any of them ask to talk to him or even when he was coming home? Yes I did find this odd, my middle man is always asking what day it is and then counts how many more sleeps till he comes back.

My mom had been planning on going away this weekend and had asked weeks ago if she could take one of the boys with her, which of course as a sahm i jumped on! So I asked my big man (a.k.a old's age 9) if he want to go with her or stay and visit with his dad (of course I check with the ex first to see if he was ok with it cause it was his visitation with the kids) he said that was fine. I wasn't sure what my big man would say, but after asking where he was going and who was going to be there he decided to go away. I said are you sure you don't want to see your dad and he looked at me with a stone cold face and said no. It broke my heart :(
Tonight I get a bbm message asking me to have my big man call his dad. Now I will admit, at first I said they were already in bed. Why? Cause we were having a good night, they hadn't been fighting or anything and I was afraid what talking to him would do...especially this close to bed time.
BUT after about 2 minutes I said to big and middle man "do you want to call and talk to your dad" both answered "no". As much as my heart broke with their answer I also felt happy that they were making the decision not to talk to them. That once again I wouldn't be left to deal with the behaviour that would follow the call.