This past weekend I received some great advice from an old friend....
"don't expect anything emotional from him and he cant let you down".
At the time it didn't really set in but now, it makes sense.
I keep expecting the man I had children with to call and want to deal with the children. But every time we talk the guy I have now, is just going threw the motions without really caring???
The big question now is (again) WHY?
Is it easier for him to detach himself from them so that his new life seem to make sense? Does he really feel guilty? Does he really regret the decisions that he has made and now doesn't want to look like an idiot for realizing he threw away his family for what??? A couple weekends of free time, getting drunk, pretending to be a single man with no responsibility. Well I'm sorry to break it to you, its to late for that...you have children that need you. You have responsibility to them even if they don't fit into your new life. And instead of string them along, tell them what they want to hear so that you feel better with the fact your only spending 3 hrs a week with them....really show them you love them by putting them first.
Ive also heard "you cant deal rationally with irrational people" another good one. I can tell him, spell it out for him and even hold his hand while he pretends to care...but until it slaps him in the face that his kids need a father, I keep setting myself up for an emotional let down.
The worst part is, he plays me like a fiddle, he knows that as long as he keeps letting the kids down that I will keep fighting. We have set out a new parenting agreement, we agreed on most terms and argued about a few. Now to just him to sign it and put it into effect.
Which again makes me scared out of my mind....but more about that another night. I'm going to take advantage of the fact its 8:30 and all my kids are in bed and asleep!!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
yet another one of those days :(
I cant be this person, I wont be this person. I cant let the hurt keep getting to me. I cant let the feeling that my life is never going to change keep letting me dictate who I become.
I'm not strong enough to do this on my own and I'm now realizing that. I not strong enough to keep this fight up much longer. I just want to take my kids and leave, go some place where he cant find us so that we can move on. Hes made it seem so easy, why cant it be that easy for me....oh that's right, I have 3 kids to worry about. I have a medically fragile child who need me as well as 2 others that blame me. I cant be the bitch he wants me to be, I cant be the reason he left them, I cant be the reason that everyone life is so fucked up right now...but it sure seems like it.
In my head I know I didn't cause this, I know I'm not the one who has hurt them, I know they take it out on me cause that's what feels safe to them....but who do I get to take my anger out on? I cant be like them and punch stuff when I get mad. I cant scream and yell because Ive had a bad day. I cant walk away and start to heal myself cause then they would be left with out parents.
I wish I could just get a break, no kids, no thoughts, no wondering what going to happen next. But I cant, even the thought of all 3 of them going somewhere, brings on a panic attack. I wish I could trust him enough just to take the older 2 for a whole day or even some day a full night but I don't. I don't know why, but my gut keeps telling me not to. Don't let him take them anywhere. Again in my head I know that hes not going to up and leave with the kids, theres not a dought in my mind of that happening. BUT I don't know what he will do with them? Who he will see while he has them? Where he will go with them?
He keeps saying he want to get his own place about 15 minutes from here, that would put him half way between them and work. But again something in me tells me that they wont be "safe" if he leaves town. They will end up in a situation that they are not prepared to deal with.
I know he has moved on in every aspect, and because of that they wouldn't be safe.
I need to get to a place where I can trust people again, I need to get to a point that I can heal and move on in a positive matter, but he is stopping me from that. As much as I'm starting to believe that I am causing all the fighting between us, I know I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be in pain, mentally or physically anymore. I'm smart enough to know that my physical pain is caused my stress level, I'm smart enough to know that if I don't stop going around in this circle that its going to end badly. For me, for him, but most of all for the kids.
I keep lying to myself and saying I need to be strong for them, but I cant anymore. I need to heal myself or I will never be able to help them heal. I need to be strong for me and get myself help before its to late. Only then will I ever truly be able to help them heal!
I'm not strong enough to do this on my own and I'm now realizing that. I not strong enough to keep this fight up much longer. I just want to take my kids and leave, go some place where he cant find us so that we can move on. Hes made it seem so easy, why cant it be that easy for me....oh that's right, I have 3 kids to worry about. I have a medically fragile child who need me as well as 2 others that blame me. I cant be the bitch he wants me to be, I cant be the reason he left them, I cant be the reason that everyone life is so fucked up right now...but it sure seems like it.
In my head I know I didn't cause this, I know I'm not the one who has hurt them, I know they take it out on me cause that's what feels safe to them....but who do I get to take my anger out on? I cant be like them and punch stuff when I get mad. I cant scream and yell because Ive had a bad day. I cant walk away and start to heal myself cause then they would be left with out parents.
I wish I could just get a break, no kids, no thoughts, no wondering what going to happen next. But I cant, even the thought of all 3 of them going somewhere, brings on a panic attack. I wish I could trust him enough just to take the older 2 for a whole day or even some day a full night but I don't. I don't know why, but my gut keeps telling me not to. Don't let him take them anywhere. Again in my head I know that hes not going to up and leave with the kids, theres not a dought in my mind of that happening. BUT I don't know what he will do with them? Who he will see while he has them? Where he will go with them?
He keeps saying he want to get his own place about 15 minutes from here, that would put him half way between them and work. But again something in me tells me that they wont be "safe" if he leaves town. They will end up in a situation that they are not prepared to deal with.
I know he has moved on in every aspect, and because of that they wouldn't be safe.
I need to get to a place where I can trust people again, I need to get to a point that I can heal and move on in a positive matter, but he is stopping me from that. As much as I'm starting to believe that I am causing all the fighting between us, I know I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be in pain, mentally or physically anymore. I'm smart enough to know that my physical pain is caused my stress level, I'm smart enough to know that if I don't stop going around in this circle that its going to end badly. For me, for him, but most of all for the kids.
I keep lying to myself and saying I need to be strong for them, but I cant anymore. I need to heal myself or I will never be able to help them heal. I need to be strong for me and get myself help before its to late. Only then will I ever truly be able to help them heal!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Tea and a book for me!
This weekend (even with 1 day to go) has been great! The boys and I have spent time with my parents (they watched them while I worked) and tomorrow we are going to make some cupcakes and if all goes according to plan, play a game (while little man naps!).
It seems funny that even though nothing spectacular happened this weekend, no big event, no funny moments (while one touching one...will share). I was trying to think what made this weekend any different from the others we have had in the last 6 weeks and the only thing I can think of is that the "ex" didn't call or show up for what would have been his normal Saturday visit. I knew he had "other plans" even though it was his visitation day. But the kids didn't really seem to miss it and have been superdopper good!!!
So that touching moment happened Saturday morning. Middle man and little man where having a moment together. Little man was having some unforeseen toddler issue and middle man goes up to him, puts his hands on little man upper arms and say "Little man, you need to realize that this family isn't all about you. We are a new family and we all have to worry about each other equally. We are all important parts of this family and we will always love each other"...I must say I almost teared up, if it hadn't of been so darn cute and funny....lol
I love the fact that middle man has come to realize we are still a family even if daddy is gone. He's now willing to share some of his feelings with me. Which I have been wondering if it would ever happen.
Big Man opened up to my mom a week or so ago. Its their "secrete" even though she shared it with me. Big Man shared that he feels like I ask to much from him, he thinks that all we do (me and middle man) is yell at him and ask him for stuff. Little man can talk so he cant yell yet...lol (again cute but scary)
He also said that he thought he wanted to live with his dad...SHOCKER, but by the end of their talk he realized that wouldn't be good. Not that the "ex" is a bad parent or person, but he travels for a living and their is NO way he could handle 1 child yet alone all 3 by himself on a full time bases.
Friday night we were all hanging out in my room and middle man asked if his dad was coming Saturday to see him, which I thought would be a perfect opening to try and get some feelings out of the 2 older boys. I asked them if they missed daddy (yes), do they wish they saw daddy more (yes), why don't you ever want to talk to daddy on the phone....big man is scared to he says. Scared of what/...that daddy will yell at him on the phone, and he doesn't want that to happen cause hes afraid that daddy will stop seeing him if he gets mad (again at 9 this seems reasonable to him, maybe not logical to you or I but to him it is and hes willing to share so that's all that matters).
Middle man says he doesn't talk to daddy cause he would rather see him then talk to him. He hasn't come to the realization that daddy isn't coming back to live here.
So I went a step further, testing the waters while they were willing to open up. I asked "when daddy gets his own place, did you want to go see it and maybe spend the night?"
Big man..."yes, I cant wait to spend time with him"
Middle man " no I wont spend the night there"
I ask middle man why, and he said he didn't know (at first). So we talked about what it would be like. That they would have their own beds and they could take some toys and games with them and if they wanted they may even be able to buy some new stuff for their new room. Well big man was even more game now, Middle man say..."will you sleep there with us like daddy use to sleep here".....yep your right my heart stopped.
How was I going to handle this one. So I try and explain to him that mommy and daddy wont be sleeping in the same house anymore, that daddy will have his home with them and we will have our home here.
So after a couple more questions, I again ask middle man if he would be willing to spend time at daddy's house..even if he doesn't sleep there right away and he says "yes" and I asked him if he wanted to share with me why he didn't want to sleep there (at this point the other 2 had found something else to do so it was just us)....he shares that hes afraid if he goes to his dads for the night that when they come back I will have left them like daddy did and not love them anymore (even now it brings tears to my eyes).
How could a 6 year old really think like that, what have I done to make him think that I would leave him, that if he goes and spends time with daddy that I wont love him anymore???? I was stumped, not sure how to handle this, not sure how to explain to him that no matter what he does I will always love him.
I again, try to explain that even though daddy doesn't live here or sleep here anymore, that he still loves him and the other 2, that he still cares about them and wants to see them. I try and explain that no matter what any of them did mommy and daddy would love them FOREVER!!!!
I have been reading a book on how to be good co parents. As cheesy as it sounds, its a GREAT book. I would recommend it to any parent even if they are still together. The ex and I always talked about would happen if for some reason we didn't make it (We have had a lot of friends go threw this so we wont to be realistic...little did I know we would ever have to put it into plan). We alway said we want to be friends, we wanted to be those parents that could still do stuff as a "family" even if we werent together. We had talked about child support, who would raise the kids if something happened to either of us and all the other stuff the responisable parents talk about. Little did I know this wasnt going to go so smoothly. I didn't realize that the person I'd be dealing with now isn't the person I have known and loved for 14 years. He isn't the father he said he wanted to be, and isn't making an attempts to change that. As much as I point out that right now he needs to put the kids first, above all else, he doesn't.
We had a quick letter written up the night he left saying who had custody and what the child support would be. But we really never "talked" about how life was going to go. Who was going to have the kids on which weekend, which holiday, birthdays, summer break, ect. And with the way things are going I had to get this done. I had to have a plan....wither or not he sticks to it, is another story.....we sit down this friday to do our new "Parenting Plan" fingers crossed the old ex, the father of my 3 kids shows up that day or this is going to be a long battle and I will fight to the end to make sure that what is right for my kids is what happens!
It seems funny that even though nothing spectacular happened this weekend, no big event, no funny moments (while one touching one...will share). I was trying to think what made this weekend any different from the others we have had in the last 6 weeks and the only thing I can think of is that the "ex" didn't call or show up for what would have been his normal Saturday visit. I knew he had "other plans" even though it was his visitation day. But the kids didn't really seem to miss it and have been superdopper good!!!
So that touching moment happened Saturday morning. Middle man and little man where having a moment together. Little man was having some unforeseen toddler issue and middle man goes up to him, puts his hands on little man upper arms and say "Little man, you need to realize that this family isn't all about you. We are a new family and we all have to worry about each other equally. We are all important parts of this family and we will always love each other"...I must say I almost teared up, if it hadn't of been so darn cute and funny....lol
I love the fact that middle man has come to realize we are still a family even if daddy is gone. He's now willing to share some of his feelings with me. Which I have been wondering if it would ever happen.
Big Man opened up to my mom a week or so ago. Its their "secrete" even though she shared it with me. Big Man shared that he feels like I ask to much from him, he thinks that all we do (me and middle man) is yell at him and ask him for stuff. Little man can talk so he cant yell yet...lol (again cute but scary)
He also said that he thought he wanted to live with his dad...SHOCKER, but by the end of their talk he realized that wouldn't be good. Not that the "ex" is a bad parent or person, but he travels for a living and their is NO way he could handle 1 child yet alone all 3 by himself on a full time bases.
Friday night we were all hanging out in my room and middle man asked if his dad was coming Saturday to see him, which I thought would be a perfect opening to try and get some feelings out of the 2 older boys. I asked them if they missed daddy (yes), do they wish they saw daddy more (yes), why don't you ever want to talk to daddy on the phone....big man is scared to he says. Scared of what/...that daddy will yell at him on the phone, and he doesn't want that to happen cause hes afraid that daddy will stop seeing him if he gets mad (again at 9 this seems reasonable to him, maybe not logical to you or I but to him it is and hes willing to share so that's all that matters).
Middle man says he doesn't talk to daddy cause he would rather see him then talk to him. He hasn't come to the realization that daddy isn't coming back to live here.
So I went a step further, testing the waters while they were willing to open up. I asked "when daddy gets his own place, did you want to go see it and maybe spend the night?"
Big man..."yes, I cant wait to spend time with him"
Middle man " no I wont spend the night there"
I ask middle man why, and he said he didn't know (at first). So we talked about what it would be like. That they would have their own beds and they could take some toys and games with them and if they wanted they may even be able to buy some new stuff for their new room. Well big man was even more game now, Middle man say..."will you sleep there with us like daddy use to sleep here".....yep your right my heart stopped.
How was I going to handle this one. So I try and explain to him that mommy and daddy wont be sleeping in the same house anymore, that daddy will have his home with them and we will have our home here.
So after a couple more questions, I again ask middle man if he would be willing to spend time at daddy's house..even if he doesn't sleep there right away and he says "yes" and I asked him if he wanted to share with me why he didn't want to sleep there (at this point the other 2 had found something else to do so it was just us)....he shares that hes afraid if he goes to his dads for the night that when they come back I will have left them like daddy did and not love them anymore (even now it brings tears to my eyes).
How could a 6 year old really think like that, what have I done to make him think that I would leave him, that if he goes and spends time with daddy that I wont love him anymore???? I was stumped, not sure how to handle this, not sure how to explain to him that no matter what he does I will always love him.
I again, try to explain that even though daddy doesn't live here or sleep here anymore, that he still loves him and the other 2, that he still cares about them and wants to see them. I try and explain that no matter what any of them did mommy and daddy would love them FOREVER!!!!
I have been reading a book on how to be good co parents. As cheesy as it sounds, its a GREAT book. I would recommend it to any parent even if they are still together. The ex and I always talked about would happen if for some reason we didn't make it (We have had a lot of friends go threw this so we wont to be realistic...little did I know we would ever have to put it into plan). We alway said we want to be friends, we wanted to be those parents that could still do stuff as a "family" even if we werent together. We had talked about child support, who would raise the kids if something happened to either of us and all the other stuff the responisable parents talk about. Little did I know this wasnt going to go so smoothly. I didn't realize that the person I'd be dealing with now isn't the person I have known and loved for 14 years. He isn't the father he said he wanted to be, and isn't making an attempts to change that. As much as I point out that right now he needs to put the kids first, above all else, he doesn't.
We had a quick letter written up the night he left saying who had custody and what the child support would be. But we really never "talked" about how life was going to go. Who was going to have the kids on which weekend, which holiday, birthdays, summer break, ect. And with the way things are going I had to get this done. I had to have a plan....wither or not he sticks to it, is another story.....we sit down this friday to do our new "Parenting Plan" fingers crossed the old ex, the father of my 3 kids shows up that day or this is going to be a long battle and I will fight to the end to make sure that what is right for my kids is what happens!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Roller Coaster Ride...I want off
This week has been crazy. I have been on a emotional roller coaster. I'm not really sure why????
Ive been angry, confused, hurt, tired exhausted, stressed and down right overwhelmed.
Middle man (who I still need to introduce) has been home all week from school. He came down with something on Sunday and I took him in on Tuesday (after 2 days of no school I know I needed to have him checked) He has a form of tonsillitis (even though he had them removed in august), the dr had to look 3 times before he believed me, that's how swollen he is. Hes had a fever since Sunday (well except those 3 wonderful hours when the meds are doing its job). So needless to say, I think Ive had a total of 14 hrs sleep since last Sunday....and I'm crashing fast.
On a positive side, I started 1 of my 2 new jobs today. Seeing as I'm not even close to leaving little man to go back to work, I have been looking for stuff I can do from home. And with some of the wonderful people I do have in my life, I started a job typing up quotes and other letter for a local company. I also start babysitting for a friend next Sunday! Which will work out great, he son and little man get along great and she has been watching my kids while I work my part time job.
I have decided that I'm not going to wait around for the ex, we had originally agreed that he would help with bills till April 1, so that I had a chance to get up on my feet. But with all the added stress that brings I'm going to start doing it on my own as of March 1!!! It will feel wonderful to pay my own bills again. One thing I don't think I have ever mentioned before is that I'm not all that good at being a SAHM and not "working". I have pretty much had a job all my life (except the first 4 yrs of our relationship when I went to work with him instead). I had no plans at staying home with little man this time around either, but seeing as everything hes been threw in the last 19 mths I couldn't imagine leaving him.
I picked up my typing work tonight and its done!!! It felt so good to use my brain for something again (you know what I mean). I got to create some spreadsheets, and resumes and take the extra time to set them up correctly so that from now on the new ones will be easy to do.
This weekend is going to be long, but come Monday when I'm sitting at home with my 3 boys having a PJ day (Family Day after all) I will be thankful.
I have decided I'm going to start making my post happier, lighter, and full of the new memories the boys and I make!!! I'm done dwelling on the past, I have realized that if I really want to move on I need to pack all his stuff packed and out of my house. I informed his today it will be out by next Sunday. It will be nice to look around the house and not see "him". I'm going to pick out MY new bed, and I think I may even buy some new sheets and a blanket.
New Life needs New Bedding!!!!
Ive been angry, confused, hurt,
Middle man (who I still need to introduce) has been home all week from school. He came down with something on Sunday and I took him in on Tuesday (after 2 days of no school I know I needed to have him checked) He has a form of tonsillitis (even though he had them removed in august), the dr had to look 3 times before he believed me, that's how swollen he is. Hes had a fever since Sunday (well except those 3 wonderful hours when the meds are doing its job). So needless to say, I think Ive had a total of 14 hrs sleep since last Sunday....and I'm crashing fast.
On a positive side, I started 1 of my 2 new jobs today. Seeing as I'm not even close to leaving little man to go back to work, I have been looking for stuff I can do from home. And with some of the wonderful people I do have in my life, I started a job typing up quotes and other letter for a local company. I also start babysitting for a friend next Sunday! Which will work out great, he son and little man get along great and she has been watching my kids while I work my part time job.
I have decided that I'm not going to wait around for the ex, we had originally agreed that he would help with bills till April 1, so that I had a chance to get up on my feet. But with all the added stress that brings I'm going to start doing it on my own as of March 1!!! It will feel wonderful to pay my own bills again. One thing I don't think I have ever mentioned before is that I'm not all that good at being a SAHM and not "working". I have pretty much had a job all my life (except the first 4 yrs of our relationship when I went to work with him instead). I had no plans at staying home with little man this time around either, but seeing as everything hes been threw in the last 19 mths I couldn't imagine leaving him.
I picked up my typing work tonight and its done!!! It felt so good to use my brain for something again (you know what I mean). I got to create some spreadsheets, and resumes and take the extra time to set them up correctly so that from now on the new ones will be easy to do.
This weekend is going to be long, but come Monday when I'm sitting at home with my 3 boys having a PJ day (Family Day after all) I will be thankful.
I have decided I'm going to start making my post happier, lighter, and full of the new memories the boys and I make!!! I'm done dwelling on the past, I have realized that if I really want to move on I need to pack all his stuff packed and out of my house. I informed his today it will be out by next Sunday. It will be nice to look around the house and not see "him". I'm going to pick out MY new bed, and I think I may even buy some new sheets and a blanket.
New Life needs New Bedding!!!!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
feeling sorry...for myself
Ive never been a big valentines day person, I'm a firm believer that if you love someone you should show them everyday...not just one. So today's emotions have really taking me by shock.
I once again I had a very restless night, not only is middle man sick (fever and some form of tonsillitis), hes still having nightmare's about his dad, I did something that I had been debating on for a couple weeks, just before calling it a night. I know stupid on my part but after rereading a letter I had wrote the ex the week after he left, I had this over whelming feeling that I needed to send it to him.
WHY??? Not 100% sure if it was more for me or for him? I was able to finally get out everything I have wanted to say, wanted to ask, needed answers too. And he needed to hear it. Simple as that. I didn't think he would really give a rats ass about what I had to say, but I guess deep down I hoped that he would at least make an attempt to show that he still cares. Not in the way you may think but even as a friend. I have told him over and over again that I feel like I also lost my best friend. A friend that no matter what I could say anything too. A friend that completely understood where I stood in life and would never judge me. I need him as the father of my kids to still care about what happens to me, now more then ever.
I have been having some medical issues that they cant seem to figure out, it scares the crap out of me that I'm going to go threw this alone. It scares the crap out of me that something is going to happen to me and my kids will be left with out either parent in their life on a regular bases. Ive always been that person that but everyone else a head of myself, but since little man has been born Ive tried to change that. I have tried to actually deal with my medical issues that need to be addressed. I thought I had his support in doing so but here I am still in the beginning stages and hes gone. I have so much stress in my life right now, I'm not sure how much more I can take.
I feel like someones playing some cruel joke on me, I feel like someone is seeing just how far I can be pushed, just how much I can take....well the answer is NOT MUCH MORE!
I suffered depression after my second son was born (not that I seen it then), and since the birth of little man I have been fighting with everything in me not to let it happen again. Well with everything that has happened in my life I'm fighting for my life. I keep hearing the demon pounding on the door, ringing the bell, peaking in the window just waiting to see me at a weak moment and attack.
Truth is, I hate my life right now. I hate that I feel like I have no control over my life or emotions. I hate the feeling that I keep getting smacking me in the face every time I think I'm doing good. I hate that I'm left here dealing with the kids completely on my own. I hate that the days where they are acting out I loose my patience even though I know its not their fault and anymore then it is mine. I hate even when the thought of food make me sick to my stomach, I still have to cook cause the boys need to eat. I hate that the days where I just want to lay in bed and cry, that I have to get up and take care of the kids, clean the house, worry about money and bills and pretend that everything is "fine". I hate that I have to lock little man in his crib to have a shower (even though I have masted having a shower in less then 5 minutes). I hate to everyone looking in thinks I'm doing a great job at holding it all together, when on the inside I'm dieing a slow death.
And if I'm going to be completely honest. I hate that he gets to go and be happy, I hate that he gets to start a new life and not look back. I hate that he can go out and enjoy himself when I'm at home being the parents. I'm at home reassuring the kids that he does still love them, he does still care and it has nothing to do with them. I hate that he gets he to visit for 3 hours then turn around and pretend like we don't exist.
Sure I have the support of my parents. But most days it seem like just another added stress. I hate that I can't just let off steam without getting asked 100 questions (whether it be a FB update or just a general comment). I understand that they are worried about me and the boys and I love them for that but sometime I just want to scream. Sometimes I just want to vent for the sake of venting and not have to worry about it.
I just want to go back to being the mom that my kids need and deserve to have in their live
I once again I had a very restless night, not only is middle man sick (fever and some form of tonsillitis), hes still having nightmare's about his dad, I did something that I had been debating on for a couple weeks, just before calling it a night. I know stupid on my part but after rereading a letter I had wrote the ex the week after he left, I had this over whelming feeling that I needed to send it to him.
WHY??? Not 100% sure if it was more for me or for him? I was able to finally get out everything I have wanted to say, wanted to ask, needed answers too. And he needed to hear it. Simple as that. I didn't think he would really give a rats ass about what I had to say, but I guess deep down I hoped that he would at least make an attempt to show that he still cares. Not in the way you may think but even as a friend. I have told him over and over again that I feel like I also lost my best friend. A friend that no matter what I could say anything too. A friend that completely understood where I stood in life and would never judge me. I need him as the father of my kids to still care about what happens to me, now more then ever.
I have been having some medical issues that they cant seem to figure out, it scares the crap out of me that I'm going to go threw this alone. It scares the crap out of me that something is going to happen to me and my kids will be left with out either parent in their life on a regular bases. Ive always been that person that but everyone else a head of myself, but since little man has been born Ive tried to change that. I have tried to actually deal with my medical issues that need to be addressed. I thought I had his support in doing so but here I am still in the beginning stages and hes gone. I have so much stress in my life right now, I'm not sure how much more I can take.
I feel like someones playing some cruel joke on me, I feel like someone is seeing just how far I can be pushed, just how much I can take....well the answer is NOT MUCH MORE!
I suffered depression after my second son was born (not that I seen it then), and since the birth of little man I have been fighting with everything in me not to let it happen again. Well with everything that has happened in my life I'm fighting for my life. I keep hearing the demon pounding on the door, ringing the bell, peaking in the window just waiting to see me at a weak moment and attack.
Truth is, I hate my life right now. I hate that I feel like I have no control over my life or emotions. I hate the feeling that I keep getting smacking me in the face every time I think I'm doing good. I hate that I'm left here dealing with the kids completely on my own. I hate that the days where they are acting out I loose my patience even though I know its not their fault and anymore then it is mine. I hate even when the thought of food make me sick to my stomach, I still have to cook cause the boys need to eat. I hate that the days where I just want to lay in bed and cry, that I have to get up and take care of the kids, clean the house, worry about money and bills and pretend that everything is "fine". I hate that I have to lock little man in his crib to have a shower (even though I have masted having a shower in less then 5 minutes). I hate to everyone looking in thinks I'm doing a great job at holding it all together, when on the inside I'm dieing a slow death.
And if I'm going to be completely honest. I hate that he gets to go and be happy, I hate that he gets to start a new life and not look back. I hate that he can go out and enjoy himself when I'm at home being the parents. I'm at home reassuring the kids that he does still love them, he does still care and it has nothing to do with them. I hate that he gets he to visit for 3 hours then turn around and pretend like we don't exist.
Sure I have the support of my parents. But most days it seem like just another added stress. I hate that I can't just let off steam without getting asked 100 questions (whether it be a FB update or just a general comment). I understand that they are worried about me and the boys and I love them for that but sometime I just want to scream. Sometimes I just want to vent for the sake of venting and not have to worry about it.
I just want to go back to being the mom that my kids need and deserve to have in their live
Monday, February 13, 2012
6 weeks in
Now that my computer is up and running again I can finally get back to my therapy!!!
Its now been 6 weeks since the ex left, its been a long, emotional, stressful,tear filled 6 weeks for everyone left in my home but I'm trying my very best to keep it together. So far I don't really think I'm doing that great of a job, but those looking in from the outside just see a newly single mom doing everything she can to make her boys happy again. Those who really know me, know how much I'm struggling.
I have come to terms that we are threw. I have come to terms on how the relationship ended, even if it still pisses me off to I'm blue in the face. I have come to term with how I thought my life was going to go, isn't going to happen anymore. Ive come to terms that I am truly alone raising my kids. What I have not come to terms with is the fact that the said ex isn't stepping up as a father.
Sure he now calls the kids daily (even if they wont talk) and sure he shows up most Saturday's to see them (he has missed one when he over slept....or so he says) but he really isn't putting in the effort that is needed to fix his relationship with any of the boys. Big man left the house every time he found out his dad is coming. Middle man is craving his fathers attention so much that he will do anything and everything he says or asked. Little man is starting to shy away (and that scares the crap out of me).
I have told him over and over again that the kids need to hear him say that he loves them, that he cares about them and that its NOT their fault he left. I can tell him till the day I die but unless he starts telling them they aren't going to understand.
This past week has been really tough on me emotionally, Ive learn things that I knew would come out eventually have but never thought it would happen this soon. Ive learned that people who I thought were friends, aren't. People that we chose to be our children's godparents didn't have enough respect for me or my kids to say "this isn't right and its not going to happen in our house". One said person point blank lied to me and said she had just found out last week when in reality she has know for awhile the entire truth of what is going on (which at some point when its not so raw I'm sure I will post about).
But I have also learned who my true friends are! A friend who even though we haven't been close in a very long time, still had more respect for me to tell me the truth. I must admit that I have felt bad for how our friendship had gone but we are in the process of getting it back on track!!! My "rock" has been there for me more then I could ever imagine. More then I could ever have asked for. It doesn't matter if I just want to scream, cry, vent, or listen she has been there. Even with everything she has going on in her own life she still takes the time out of her life to be there for me. Again this is a relationship that I had in the past and for reasons it ended. But now we are back, we are strong, we are moms and we are there for each other no matter what. I couldn't imagine my life with out her.
I have decided after doing some much needed reading, that the fight I keep having with myself and with my ex isn't healthy. Even though I have many things I would love to say to him and that I believe he needs to hear, right now my focus needs to be the well being of the kids. We need to get along for them, we need to be parents for them and I vow to do that from this day forward. I'm going to keep my comments to myself, I'm not going to throw the little digs at him (as much as that will kill me), I'm not going to start or engage in arguments over anything no matter how petty or important it may be. I cant guarantee that I'm not going to taste blood with all the tounge biting I will be doing but I do promise that my kids will not hear the things they have heard this week ever come out of my mouth again. I'm woman enough to admit that this past week, the ex was able to push buttons to set me off. I have been very good at keeping my temp and emotions in check when they are around but this week they did hear things that no child should ever have to hear and that kills me.
We have agreed to sit down and make a new parenting plan together, which I know isn't going to fix everything but I really hope by doing so he realizes how he does need to step up. I hope that once its in written detail what will be expected from both of us. that we will both be better parents, we will both do everything that needs to be done to keep our kids first (may be easier said then done but I can only hope)
So as I sit and reread this, I realize that life may seem really shit but the love of my true friends, and family and the love of my boys (even on the days where they blame me for EVERYTHING) will get me threw this and I will be a happier and healthier woman and mother when all is said and done...how can I ask for anything more???
Its now been 6 weeks since the ex left, its been a long, emotional, stressful,tear filled 6 weeks for everyone left in my home but I'm trying my very best to keep it together. So far I don't really think I'm doing that great of a job, but those looking in from the outside just see a newly single mom doing everything she can to make her boys happy again. Those who really know me, know how much I'm struggling.
I have come to terms that we are threw. I have come to terms on how the relationship ended, even if it still pisses me off to I'm blue in the face. I have come to term with how I thought my life was going to go, isn't going to happen anymore. Ive come to terms that I am truly alone raising my kids. What I have not come to terms with is the fact that the said ex isn't stepping up as a father.
Sure he now calls the kids daily (even if they wont talk) and sure he shows up most Saturday's to see them (he has missed one when he over slept....or so he says) but he really isn't putting in the effort that is needed to fix his relationship with any of the boys. Big man left the house every time he found out his dad is coming. Middle man is craving his fathers attention so much that he will do anything and everything he says or asked. Little man is starting to shy away (and that scares the crap out of me).
I have told him over and over again that the kids need to hear him say that he loves them, that he cares about them and that its NOT their fault he left. I can tell him till the day I die but unless he starts telling them they aren't going to understand.
This past week has been really tough on me emotionally, Ive learn things that I knew would come out eventually have but never thought it would happen this soon. Ive learned that people who I thought were friends, aren't. People that we chose to be our children's godparents didn't have enough respect for me or my kids to say "this isn't right and its not going to happen in our house". One said person point blank lied to me and said she had just found out last week when in reality she has know for awhile the entire truth of what is going on (which at some point when its not so raw I'm sure I will post about).
But I have also learned who my true friends are! A friend who even though we haven't been close in a very long time, still had more respect for me to tell me the truth. I must admit that I have felt bad for how our friendship had gone but we are in the process of getting it back on track!!! My "rock" has been there for me more then I could ever imagine. More then I could ever have asked for. It doesn't matter if I just want to scream, cry, vent, or listen she has been there. Even with everything she has going on in her own life she still takes the time out of her life to be there for me. Again this is a relationship that I had in the past and for reasons it ended. But now we are back, we are strong, we are moms and we are there for each other no matter what. I couldn't imagine my life with out her.
I have decided after doing some much needed reading, that the fight I keep having with myself and with my ex isn't healthy. Even though I have many things I would love to say to him and that I believe he needs to hear, right now my focus needs to be the well being of the kids. We need to get along for them, we need to be parents for them and I vow to do that from this day forward. I'm going to keep my comments to myself, I'm not going to throw the little digs at him (as much as that will kill me), I'm not going to start or engage in arguments over anything no matter how petty or important it may be. I cant guarantee that I'm not going to taste blood with all the tounge biting I will be doing but I do promise that my kids will not hear the things they have heard this week ever come out of my mouth again. I'm woman enough to admit that this past week, the ex was able to push buttons to set me off. I have been very good at keeping my temp and emotions in check when they are around but this week they did hear things that no child should ever have to hear and that kills me.
We have agreed to sit down and make a new parenting plan together, which I know isn't going to fix everything but I really hope by doing so he realizes how he does need to step up. I hope that once its in written detail what will be expected from both of us. that we will both be better parents, we will both do everything that needs to be done to keep our kids first (may be easier said then done but I can only hope)
So as I sit and reread this, I realize that life may seem really shit but the love of my true friends, and family and the love of my boys (even on the days where they blame me for EVERYTHING) will get me threw this and I will be a happier and healthier woman and mother when all is said and done...how can I ask for anything more???
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Big Man
Big Man is 9, he is a very quite, curious, energetic, lovable boy. He loves to learn, loves to share with you what he learns. Its been a long road to get him to this point but with a little time he will grow to love you!
When big man was born he was the "perfect" baby. From the day we came home from the hospital he slept threw the night (7pm - 7am!!!), he would sit and play all by himself for hours, you could place him on a blanket and he would move all over but never get off the blanket...the child every first time mom dreams of!
At the age of 2 we happened to notice that big man didn't really talk, sure he said mom and dad but over all that was about it. So we went to a local children's development centre and started him with a developmental worker! After his first couple visits they recommended we start speak therapy (he was almost 3 now) as well as bi-weekly home visits. Sure he was a quite child but they wanted to make sure because he wasn't in daycare that he was developing correctly.
Everything was going really well, speech was coming along great, he was right on track.... then came the first day of school. Because of were we live big man would have to be bussed to school but seeing as he is our first child I took him to school and he would take the bus home. I was under the impression that everything went great, never heard from the school so no news is good new....right???
I go and meet him up at the bus, he is extremely excited, chatting up a storm, excited to share everything the day entailed. There was a message on the phone when we got home, the teacher called to say that the day was very rough, big man wouldn't sit for story time (???), he was running all over the place (???) he hit the teacher (???) he threw food at lunch (???). Her recommendation was to keep him at home till we had a chance to meet and talk about things further....did this lady call the wrong number? was she really talking about my son? Of course when I called to talk to her, the school was closed and I had to wait till the next day to find out what the heck was going on.
After talking with her and find out that she didn't call the wrong number I was floored...right away I call the children's centre to talk to his worker, i think she was more floored then I was. She said she would change her appointments for the following day and would attend the meeting with us, His speech therapist as well as the coordinator of the centre would also be attending.
At the meeting we hear again everything that "happened" all 3 people from the centre made the comment that there is no way we are all talking about the same kid, there has never been any signs of violent or outburst like this the entire time they have been working with him (over 2 years at this point). The teacher and principal explained that they thought it was in the best interest of the class and big man if he took the rest of the week off and come back on the following Monday and slowly work up to a full day of school, they suggested that we start with an hours in the class with us present, then work up to an hour with us in the school but not in class, ect ect. Hopefully by Christmas he would be able to attend normal days....WHAT?
So after the appointment the people from the centre and us were talking outside the school and they suggest that we do wait a week or so and explore other options. Maybe it was to much for him and we just didn't know. Maybe we should try a nursery school program first and see how that goes.
To make what could be a 3 post process, we decided to switch school (the first was a catholic and he is now in a public school). His JK teacher at the new school was AMAZING!!!! He son was a lot like little man and shed a lot of light of what was going on. Yes he was have issues, but after 2 wks it was determined that as long as he new what to expect next he was having great days.....who would have ever thought that at age 4 a school day was to much of a change in his routine to allow him to function.
SK was a lot of the same, the DW worked with the school and set up some easy cues for the teacher to allow him to know what was coming next...again another great school year!
Then came Gr1....what a long, hard struggle the first 2 months of that school year was. We were called in every week to meet with the teacher with issues :(
By January of that year we gave in and said sure we will contact a pedi"s dr to see what he suggest (she was pushing the fact she thought he has ADHD and need to be medicated, keep in mind she also thinks that 8 of the 17 kids in the class need it as well)
So we meet the dr, after a hour long appointment he agrees with us, he doesn't think he has ADHD but he does agree there is something that is happening at school. So he does give us a medication to try....it doesn't work, if anything it makes the outburst worst. So back to the Dr we go, he starts to wonder if maybe he has anxiety issues? Could the change in his routine be causing the issues, could the environment that he is in be over stimulating him??? ALL is true, unfortunately the teacher he had that year is very old school, she believes children should sit and do their work, raise there hand, not more (unless in gym) and be the "perfect student. Well for anyone who has a 6yr old they know that doesn't happen, especially when you put 17 kids in a class room that has SO much going on. There was a word wall, math wall, reading corner, birthday calendars, weather reports, book, toys, arts and crafts, a carpeted area, cupboards and everything else they could possibly jam into a room that was maybe 48 feet long by 30feet wide. Not to mention the 18 desk and chairs and people. It was lot to take in especially for a child who has stimulation issues.
We made it threw GR 1 (barely) and started GR 2!!! With new teachers, new class room and new class mates will this be the year that big man makes it with out being labeled???
NOPE, he does do much better, the teachers were willing to work with the centre's ideas and Gr 2 was a very big success. As was GR 3.
Every time we visit the pedi's dr I ask does he have ADHD and to this day he still says NO, big man has major anxiety issues, doesn't like change, doesn't like not knowing whats going to happen. He does have Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and with a very low dose of medication, he is able to manage himself much much better during the school day.
So to bring you up to present time, Big man is dealing with the stress of the split just how I figured he would :(
He blames himself, he thinks that if he could control himself more then daddy wouldn't have left, had he not have argued with his brother or father, had he cleaned his room more, had he been a "perfect" child, that his father would still be here. He has become very very quite, even if you asking him questions to engage him in a conversation you will only get one word answers. He tries his hardest not to bug anyone, he hides out in his room and reads. No matter how much I tell him I love him and so does his dad and that it was NOTHING he did or could have done to change this. You can still see in his eyes just how worried he is, just how sad he is, just how confused.
I think that because this split didn't happen like most, there was no fighting, no yelling, no screaming, we were getting along great, we had just gone threw Christmas and the holiday and to the outside looking in we were a happy family. This is why it will take a long time for him to understand that there is nothing he could ever do to make us not love him.
When big man was born he was the "perfect" baby. From the day we came home from the hospital he slept threw the night (7pm - 7am!!!), he would sit and play all by himself for hours, you could place him on a blanket and he would move all over but never get off the blanket...the child every first time mom dreams of!
At the age of 2 we happened to notice that big man didn't really talk, sure he said mom and dad but over all that was about it. So we went to a local children's development centre and started him with a developmental worker! After his first couple visits they recommended we start speak therapy (he was almost 3 now) as well as bi-weekly home visits. Sure he was a quite child but they wanted to make sure because he wasn't in daycare that he was developing correctly.
Everything was going really well, speech was coming along great, he was right on track.... then came the first day of school. Because of were we live big man would have to be bussed to school but seeing as he is our first child I took him to school and he would take the bus home. I was under the impression that everything went great, never heard from the school so no news is good new....right???
I go and meet him up at the bus, he is extremely excited, chatting up a storm, excited to share everything the day entailed. There was a message on the phone when we got home, the teacher called to say that the day was very rough, big man wouldn't sit for story time (???), he was running all over the place (???) he hit the teacher (???) he threw food at lunch (???). Her recommendation was to keep him at home till we had a chance to meet and talk about things further....did this lady call the wrong number? was she really talking about my son? Of course when I called to talk to her, the school was closed and I had to wait till the next day to find out what the heck was going on.
After talking with her and find out that she didn't call the wrong number I was floored...right away I call the children's centre to talk to his worker, i think she was more floored then I was. She said she would change her appointments for the following day and would attend the meeting with us, His speech therapist as well as the coordinator of the centre would also be attending.
At the meeting we hear again everything that "happened" all 3 people from the centre made the comment that there is no way we are all talking about the same kid, there has never been any signs of violent or outburst like this the entire time they have been working with him (over 2 years at this point). The teacher and principal explained that they thought it was in the best interest of the class and big man if he took the rest of the week off and come back on the following Monday and slowly work up to a full day of school, they suggested that we start with an hours in the class with us present, then work up to an hour with us in the school but not in class, ect ect. Hopefully by Christmas he would be able to attend normal days....WHAT?
So after the appointment the people from the centre and us were talking outside the school and they suggest that we do wait a week or so and explore other options. Maybe it was to much for him and we just didn't know. Maybe we should try a nursery school program first and see how that goes.
To make what could be a 3 post process, we decided to switch school (the first was a catholic and he is now in a public school). His JK teacher at the new school was AMAZING!!!! He son was a lot like little man and shed a lot of light of what was going on. Yes he was have issues, but after 2 wks it was determined that as long as he new what to expect next he was having great days.....who would have ever thought that at age 4 a school day was to much of a change in his routine to allow him to function.
SK was a lot of the same, the DW worked with the school and set up some easy cues for the teacher to allow him to know what was coming next...again another great school year!
Then came Gr1....what a long, hard struggle the first 2 months of that school year was. We were called in every week to meet with the teacher with issues :(
By January of that year we gave in and said sure we will contact a pedi"s dr to see what he suggest (she was pushing the fact she thought he has ADHD and need to be medicated, keep in mind she also thinks that 8 of the 17 kids in the class need it as well)
So we meet the dr, after a hour long appointment he agrees with us, he doesn't think he has ADHD but he does agree there is something that is happening at school. So he does give us a medication to try....it doesn't work, if anything it makes the outburst worst. So back to the Dr we go, he starts to wonder if maybe he has anxiety issues? Could the change in his routine be causing the issues, could the environment that he is in be over stimulating him??? ALL is true, unfortunately the teacher he had that year is very old school, she believes children should sit and do their work, raise there hand, not more (unless in gym) and be the "perfect student. Well for anyone who has a 6yr old they know that doesn't happen, especially when you put 17 kids in a class room that has SO much going on. There was a word wall, math wall, reading corner, birthday calendars, weather reports, book, toys, arts and crafts, a carpeted area, cupboards and everything else they could possibly jam into a room that was maybe 48 feet long by 30feet wide. Not to mention the 18 desk and chairs and people. It was lot to take in especially for a child who has stimulation issues.
We made it threw GR 1 (barely) and started GR 2!!! With new teachers, new class room and new class mates will this be the year that big man makes it with out being labeled???
NOPE, he does do much better, the teachers were willing to work with the centre's ideas and Gr 2 was a very big success. As was GR 3.
Every time we visit the pedi's dr I ask does he have ADHD and to this day he still says NO, big man has major anxiety issues, doesn't like change, doesn't like not knowing whats going to happen. He does have Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and with a very low dose of medication, he is able to manage himself much much better during the school day.
So to bring you up to present time, Big man is dealing with the stress of the split just how I figured he would :(
He blames himself, he thinks that if he could control himself more then daddy wouldn't have left, had he not have argued with his brother or father, had he cleaned his room more, had he been a "perfect" child, that his father would still be here. He has become very very quite, even if you asking him questions to engage him in a conversation you will only get one word answers. He tries his hardest not to bug anyone, he hides out in his room and reads. No matter how much I tell him I love him and so does his dad and that it was NOTHING he did or could have done to change this. You can still see in his eyes just how worried he is, just how sad he is, just how confused.
I think that because this split didn't happen like most, there was no fighting, no yelling, no screaming, we were getting along great, we had just gone threw Christmas and the holiday and to the outside looking in we were a happy family. This is why it will take a long time for him to understand that there is nothing he could ever do to make us not love him.
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