Ive never been a big valentines day person, I'm a firm believer that if you love someone you should show them everyday...not just one. So today's emotions have really taking me by shock.
I once again I had a very restless night, not only is middle man sick (fever and some form of tonsillitis), hes still having nightmare's about his dad, I did something that I had been debating on for a couple weeks, just before calling it a night. I know stupid on my part but after rereading a letter I had wrote the ex the week after he left, I had this over whelming feeling that I needed to send it to him.
WHY??? Not 100% sure if it was more for me or for him? I was able to finally get out everything I have wanted to say, wanted to ask, needed answers too. And he needed to hear it. Simple as that. I didn't think he would really give a rats ass about what I had to say, but I guess deep down I hoped that he would at least make an attempt to show that he still cares. Not in the way you may think but even as a friend. I have told him over and over again that I feel like I also lost my best friend. A friend that no matter what I could say anything too. A friend that completely understood where I stood in life and would never judge me. I need him as the father of my kids to still care about what happens to me, now more then ever.
I have been having some medical issues that they cant seem to figure out, it scares the crap out of me that I'm going to go threw this alone. It scares the crap out of me that something is going to happen to me and my kids will be left with out either parent in their life on a regular bases. Ive always been that person that but everyone else a head of myself, but since little man has been born Ive tried to change that. I have tried to actually deal with my medical issues that need to be addressed. I thought I had his support in doing so but here I am still in the beginning stages and hes gone. I have so much stress in my life right now, I'm not sure how much more I can take.
I feel like someones playing some cruel joke on me, I feel like someone is seeing just how far I can be pushed, just how much I can take....well the answer is NOT MUCH MORE!
I suffered depression after my second son was born (not that I seen it then), and since the birth of little man I have been fighting with everything in me not to let it happen again. Well with everything that has happened in my life I'm fighting for my life. I keep hearing the demon pounding on the door, ringing the bell, peaking in the window just waiting to see me at a weak moment and attack.
Truth is, I hate my life right now. I hate that I feel like I have no control over my life or emotions. I hate the feeling that I keep getting smacking me in the face every time I think I'm doing good. I hate that I'm left here dealing with the kids completely on my own. I hate that the days where they are acting out I loose my patience even though I know its not their fault and anymore then it is mine. I hate even when the thought of food make me sick to my stomach, I still have to cook cause the boys need to eat. I hate that the days where I just want to lay in bed and cry, that I have to get up and take care of the kids, clean the house, worry about money and bills and pretend that everything is "fine". I hate that I have to lock little man in his crib to have a shower (even though I have masted having a shower in less then 5 minutes). I hate to everyone looking in thinks I'm doing a great job at holding it all together, when on the inside I'm dieing a slow death.
And if I'm going to be completely honest. I hate that he gets to go and be happy, I hate that he gets to start a new life and not look back. I hate that he can go out and enjoy himself when I'm at home being the parents. I'm at home reassuring the kids that he does still love them, he does still care and it has nothing to do with them. I hate that he gets he to visit for 3 hours then turn around and pretend like we don't exist.
Sure I have the support of my parents. But most days it seem like just another added stress. I hate that I can't just let off steam without getting asked 100 questions (whether it be a FB update or just a general comment). I understand that they are worried about me and the boys and I love them for that but sometime I just want to scream. Sometimes I just want to vent for the sake of venting and not have to worry about it.
I just want to go back to being the mom that my kids need and deserve to have in their live
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