This weekend (even with 1 day to go) has been great! The boys and I have spent time with my parents (they watched them while I worked) and tomorrow we are going to make some cupcakes and if all goes according to plan, play a game (while little man naps!).
It seems funny that even though nothing spectacular happened this weekend, no big event, no funny moments (while one touching one...will share). I was trying to think what made this weekend any different from the others we have had in the last 6 weeks and the only thing I can think of is that the "ex" didn't call or show up for what would have been his normal Saturday visit. I knew he had "other plans" even though it was his visitation day. But the kids didn't really seem to miss it and have been superdopper good!!!
So that touching moment happened Saturday morning. Middle man and little man where having a moment together. Little man was having some unforeseen toddler issue and middle man goes up to him, puts his hands on little man upper arms and say "Little man, you need to realize that this family isn't all about you. We are a new family and we all have to worry about each other equally. We are all important parts of this family and we will always love each other"...I must say I almost teared up, if it hadn't of been so darn cute and funny....lol
I love the fact that middle man has come to realize we are still a family even if daddy is gone. He's now willing to share some of his feelings with me. Which I have been wondering if it would ever happen.
Big Man opened up to my mom a week or so ago. Its their "secrete" even though she shared it with me. Big Man shared that he feels like I ask to much from him, he thinks that all we do (me and middle man) is yell at him and ask him for stuff. Little man can talk so he cant yell yet...lol (again cute but scary)
He also said that he thought he wanted to live with his dad...SHOCKER, but by the end of their talk he realized that wouldn't be good. Not that the "ex" is a bad parent or person, but he travels for a living and their is NO way he could handle 1 child yet alone all 3 by himself on a full time bases.
Friday night we were all hanging out in my room and middle man asked if his dad was coming Saturday to see him, which I thought would be a perfect opening to try and get some feelings out of the 2 older boys. I asked them if they missed daddy (yes), do they wish they saw daddy more (yes), why don't you ever want to talk to daddy on the phone....big man is scared to he says. Scared of what/...that daddy will yell at him on the phone, and he doesn't want that to happen cause hes afraid that daddy will stop seeing him if he gets mad (again at 9 this seems reasonable to him, maybe not logical to you or I but to him it is and hes willing to share so that's all that matters).
Middle man says he doesn't talk to daddy cause he would rather see him then talk to him. He hasn't come to the realization that daddy isn't coming back to live here.
So I went a step further, testing the waters while they were willing to open up. I asked "when daddy gets his own place, did you want to go see it and maybe spend the night?"
Big man..."yes, I cant wait to spend time with him"
Middle man " no I wont spend the night there"
I ask middle man why, and he said he didn't know (at first). So we talked about what it would be like. That they would have their own beds and they could take some toys and games with them and if they wanted they may even be able to buy some new stuff for their new room. Well big man was even more game now, Middle man say..."will you sleep there with us like daddy use to sleep here".....yep your right my heart stopped.
How was I going to handle this one. So I try and explain to him that mommy and daddy wont be sleeping in the same house anymore, that daddy will have his home with them and we will have our home here.
So after a couple more questions, I again ask middle man if he would be willing to spend time at daddy's house..even if he doesn't sleep there right away and he says "yes" and I asked him if he wanted to share with me why he didn't want to sleep there (at this point the other 2 had found something else to do so it was just us)....he shares that hes afraid if he goes to his dads for the night that when they come back I will have left them like daddy did and not love them anymore (even now it brings tears to my eyes).
How could a 6 year old really think like that, what have I done to make him think that I would leave him, that if he goes and spends time with daddy that I wont love him anymore???? I was stumped, not sure how to handle this, not sure how to explain to him that no matter what he does I will always love him.
I again, try to explain that even though daddy doesn't live here or sleep here anymore, that he still loves him and the other 2, that he still cares about them and wants to see them. I try and explain that no matter what any of them did mommy and daddy would love them FOREVER!!!!
I have been reading a book on how to be good co parents. As cheesy as it sounds, its a GREAT book. I would recommend it to any parent even if they are still together. The ex and I always talked about would happen if for some reason we didn't make it (We have had a lot of friends go threw this so we wont to be realistic...little did I know we would ever have to put it into plan). We alway said we want to be friends, we wanted to be those parents that could still do stuff as a "family" even if we werent together. We had talked about child support, who would raise the kids if something happened to either of us and all the other stuff the responisable parents talk about. Little did I know this wasnt going to go so smoothly. I didn't realize that the person I'd be dealing with now isn't the person I have known and loved for 14 years. He isn't the father he said he wanted to be, and isn't making an attempts to change that. As much as I point out that right now he needs to put the kids first, above all else, he doesn't.
We had a quick letter written up the night he left saying who had custody and what the child support would be. But we really never "talked" about how life was going to go. Who was going to have the kids on which weekend, which holiday, birthdays, summer break, ect. And with the way things are going I had to get this done. I had to have a plan....wither or not he sticks to it, is another story.....we sit down this friday to do our new "Parenting Plan" fingers crossed the old ex, the father of my 3 kids shows up that day or this is going to be a long battle and I will fight to the end to make sure that what is right for my kids is what happens!
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