I cant be this person, I wont be this person. I cant let the hurt keep getting to me. I cant let the feeling that my life is never going to change keep letting me dictate who I become.
I'm not strong enough to do this on my own and I'm now realizing that. I not strong enough to keep this fight up much longer. I just want to take my kids and leave, go some place where he cant find us so that we can move on. Hes made it seem so easy, why cant it be that easy for me....oh that's right, I have 3 kids to worry about. I have a medically fragile child who need me as well as 2 others that blame me. I cant be the bitch he wants me to be, I cant be the reason he left them, I cant be the reason that everyone life is so fucked up right now...but it sure seems like it.
In my head I know I didn't cause this, I know I'm not the one who has hurt them, I know they take it out on me cause that's what feels safe to them....but who do I get to take my anger out on? I cant be like them and punch stuff when I get mad. I cant scream and yell because Ive had a bad day. I cant walk away and start to heal myself cause then they would be left with out parents.
I wish I could just get a break, no kids, no thoughts, no wondering what going to happen next. But I cant, even the thought of all 3 of them going somewhere, brings on a panic attack. I wish I could trust him enough just to take the older 2 for a whole day or even some day a full night but I don't. I don't know why, but my gut keeps telling me not to. Don't let him take them anywhere. Again in my head I know that hes not going to up and leave with the kids, theres not a dought in my mind of that happening. BUT I don't know what he will do with them? Who he will see while he has them? Where he will go with them?
He keeps saying he want to get his own place about 15 minutes from here, that would put him half way between them and work. But again something in me tells me that they wont be "safe" if he leaves town. They will end up in a situation that they are not prepared to deal with.
I know he has moved on in every aspect, and because of that they wouldn't be safe.
I need to get to a place where I can trust people again, I need to get to a point that I can heal and move on in a positive matter, but he is stopping me from that. As much as I'm starting to believe that I am causing all the fighting between us, I know I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be in pain, mentally or physically anymore. I'm smart enough to know that my physical pain is caused my stress level, I'm smart enough to know that if I don't stop going around in this circle that its going to end badly. For me, for him, but most of all for the kids.
I keep lying to myself and saying I need to be strong for them, but I cant anymore. I need to heal myself or I will never be able to help them heal. I need to be strong for me and get myself help before its to late. Only then will I ever truly be able to help them heal!
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