6 weeks in

Now that my computer is up and running again I can finally get back to my therapy!!!

Its now been 6 weeks since the ex left, its been a long, emotional, stressful,tear filled 6 weeks for everyone left in my home but I'm trying my very best to keep it together. So far I don't really think I'm doing that great of a job, but those looking in from the outside just see a newly single mom doing everything she can to make her boys happy again. Those who really know me, know how much I'm struggling.

I have come to terms that we are threw. I have come to terms on how the relationship ended, even if it still pisses me off to I'm blue in the face. I have come to term with how I thought my life was going to go, isn't going to happen anymore. Ive come to terms that I am truly alone raising my kids. What I have not come to terms with is the fact that the said ex isn't stepping up as a father.

Sure he now calls the kids daily (even if they wont talk) and sure he shows up most Saturday's to see them (he has missed one when he over slept....or so he says) but he really isn't putting in the effort that is needed to fix his relationship with any of the boys. Big man left the house every time he found out his dad is coming. Middle man is craving his fathers attention so much that he will do anything and everything he says or asked. Little man is starting to shy away (and that scares the crap out of me).

I have told him over and over again that the kids need to hear him say that he loves them, that he cares about them and that its NOT their fault he left. I can tell him till the day I die but unless he starts telling them they aren't going to understand.

This past week has been really tough on me emotionally, Ive learn things that I knew would come out eventually have but never thought it would happen this soon. Ive learned that people who I thought were friends, aren't. People that we chose to be our children's godparents didn't have enough respect for me or my kids to say "this isn't right and its not going to happen in our house". One said person point blank lied to me and said she had just found out last week when in reality she has know for awhile the entire truth of what is going on (which at some point when its not so raw I'm sure I will post about).

But I have also learned who my true friends are! A friend who even though we haven't been close in a very long time, still had more respect for me to tell me the truth. I must admit that I have felt bad for how our friendship had gone but we are in the process of getting it back on track!!! My "rock" has been there for me more then I could ever imagine. More then I could ever have asked for. It doesn't matter if I just want to scream, cry, vent, or listen she has been there. Even with everything she has going on in her own life she still takes the time out of her life to be there for me. Again this is a relationship that I had in the past and for reasons it ended. But now we are back, we are strong, we are moms and we are there for each other no matter what. I couldn't imagine my life with out her.

I have decided after doing some much needed reading, that the fight I keep having with myself and with my ex isn't healthy. Even though I have many things I would love to say to him and that I believe he needs to hear, right now my focus needs to be the well being of the kids. We need to get along for them, we need to be parents for them and I vow to do that from this day forward. I'm going to keep my comments to myself, I'm not going to throw the little digs at him (as much as that will kill me), I'm not going to start or engage in arguments over anything no matter how petty or important it may be. I cant guarantee that I'm not going to taste blood with all the tounge biting I will be doing but I do promise that my kids will not hear the things they have heard this week ever come out of my mouth again. I'm woman enough to admit that this past week, the ex was able to push buttons to set me off. I have been very good at keeping my temp and emotions in check when they are around but this week they did hear things that no child should ever have to hear and that kills me.

We have agreed to sit down and make a new parenting plan together, which I know isn't going to fix everything but I really hope by doing so he realizes how he does need to step up. I hope that once its in written detail what will be expected from both of us. that we will both be better parents, we will both do everything that needs to be done to keep our kids first (may be easier said then done but I can only hope)

So as I sit and reread this, I realize that life may seem really shit but the love of my true friends, and family and the love of my boys (even on the days where they blame me for EVERYTHING) will get me threw this and I will be a happier and healthier woman and mother when all is said and done...how can I ask for anything more???