Simplifying life???

I hear and see all these parents who say, we just need to simplify life, our house, our schedules...and as much as I have decluttered our home it still fells so FULL

I read a blog last night of a family with 8 children under the age of 8 (2 of which have some medical conditions) who just packed up and moved to another state? Their only game plan was, have a house to move into and a job waiting. 

She stated they left most of there stuff behind (personal stuff like journals she had written for her children), if it didn't fit into there 15 passages van it didn't go...that's with her family of 10 inside as well!

That seem extreme ...but good for them!

I would just love to just go hard core! Have empty spaces, and drawers, clear shelves and counters. 

I know I still hold on to things that we don't use daily, heck even weekly or monthly BUT I do use them! And if I had to purchase it again at some point why get rid of it?

Over the last couple years, I have picked up some hobbies, and a little secret about me, I have an obsessive personality. When it come to hobbies, food, kids, just about anything.

 I'm also very impatience. I hate to wait for something, when I want to do it, it's now, not 5 minutes from now, or a week from now. Which may lead to why I have totes full of projects. 

I would love to live as a minimalist, the idea actually excites me. But when it comes to actually get rid if all the stuff I cringe...all the money just thrown out the window! 

Ya I could sell most of it, and I do sometime, but again I'm very impatience and when I clean it out I want it GONE!

I don't have a garage, or basement to store it till I can sell it (thankfully) I have my little porch and honestly I'm sick of it looking like a dumping ground. 

I pride myself on how my house can look, inside and out, and generally does. But to be completely honest, I don't have the physical strength it take to maintain that 100% of the time. 

I've never been that type of woman who say..."oh I can't do that, I need a man to help me". But when you own a house there are something's that you do need a man for. Or at least one to show you how to do something correctly. 

I've learned this over the last 18months. All my adult life, I've had one to help me, to show me, to guide me. But now I have to step out of my comfort zone in order to get that help. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my house and have no plans of ever moving, and when we bought it, it was the perfect house for our little family to start out in. At that time we never thought of it as our forever house, it was a starter. 

Once the kids leave home and its just me here it will be perfect again! Paid for and perfect....now to make it work for the next 18 yrs 😉

Why is it bothering me sooo much?

I just sent a message to a friend stating that even though I would never, and I mean ever take my ex back, the fact that he is getting married in 6 days is really bothering me! 

I'm not 100% sure why, but it is. 

I thought I was good, I've know for a while (like a month) when it was happening but the closer we get to it the madder I get. 

Not sure if it was the fact we were together 14 yrs and never actually did it (thank The Lord, now!), or if its the fact that its happening so quickly? 

What does she have that that i dont to make him finally step up and do it? 

Was I really that big of a bitch, was I really that horrible, that controlling (his words not mine), that mean and ugly that he couldn't fully love me enough to actually want to marry me?

That fact that I spent almost half my life with 1 person just to have myself thrown to the curb is really starting to bother me? The fact that I was that easy to just stop loving. To walk away and never even been given a chance to "fix" what ever needed to be fixed. I have never gotten the chance to really deal with all of this and as his wedding approaches its really hitting home?

Will I ever find someone who truly loves me for me, can accept my and my children the way we are?  

I know that I need to lose weight (big time), I know that I have issues with trusting people (more so now then ever), I know that unless I start being more "sociable" I will never have an opportunity    to meet new people, however I lack the self confidence to do any of that. 

I can loose the weight, hell last year I lost 60lbs, but I will admit I tend to self sabotage. If I have that "treat" and still lose that week, then the next week I have 2???

I can go weeks with eating really really healthy, but 1 bad day and its all wash away. The worst part, I go out and eat some gross greasy food and sure it taste good in that moment, but about 15 minutes later I regret ever single bit, I feel like crap, my guys hurt, I get major heartburn and say "it was so not worth it and such a waste of money"

People start saying to me "wow you look so great, how much have you lost" and I get completely self conscious that I go home and eat something I shouldn't. 

I don't want people to pay me complements, I don't want people to notice till I feel comfortable with my own body. Ya I lost 60lbs but what most people don't understand is even then I would still have like 140lbs to get to "MY" goal weight, not the weight that the doctors say I should be. 

There are very few people I know who can understand just how hard that is to accept, how hard it is to stay motivated, and how hard it is on you body and soul to actually do this with out some kind of help (making me think of gastric bypass even more)

I know everyone wants to see me happy and healthy, enjoying life, and living it to the fullest, but there is a huge part of me that feels I've done something wrong and don't ever deserve that. That I don't deserve to have a man love me, accept me or even want to get to know me. What I have done? No idea, but its something, if someone who says he loved me for 14 years can stand me now???

Hopefully as I start the journey to better myself, for me this time, I will learn the answers...maybe the issue is that I really wasn't happy in our relationship but just to scared to take the step he choose and start over???

I was right :(

To start, I didn't call yesterday!!! 

My best friend was right, he would never have done it for me so let him lye in the bed he's made

And I was right, he never took the kids today. Sent me a message yesterday to say the "C" and her daughter both came home from work early with fevers and his throat was sore and his head was stuffy??? I wish I got that as an option when I'm "sick". 

Feeds me some bull about wanting to give me a heads up so that if they did go I would know the kids would catch it and be sick next week. 

We have a sick kids appointment in 8days and 2 of the kids were sick this week. So I didn't chance it. 

So instead, I'm spending my planned day off sitting at home with the kids (big man went to my parents but I still have little man). I can honestly say I needed and wanted a break this week. It's been a LONG week with many stressful appointments. Guess my next break will be june something or other 😜

To call or not to call???

Tomorrow is my ex's bday, and I'm not sure if I should say anything or keep my mouth shut? 

I'm trying to be the bigger person in "our" relationship, but I also don't want to stir the pot. We haven't talked since he had the heart to heart with me last week (which I'm not really sure uneven blogged about that conversation or not???). Anyways, I know the next 2 days are hard on him (his dad past away the day after his bday 12 years ago). They were very very close ( he lost his mom when he was 18). So I'm stuck? The ex in me says "screw him, he's never said or remembered mine since we split", even when he has the kids the weekend of. But the human in me say " even though he's an ass, you know how hard these next couple days will be". 

I asked the kids this morning is they were going to call him tomorrow, 

big man say "why should I? I HAVE to see him Saturday" 

Middle man said "well he did call for mine" 

Little man "can I talk to "C"?"

Yes my youngest is obsessed with his soon to be step mom, I often wonder if she wasn't around if he would even go to his dads????

Why can't life be cut and dry? Is it always going to be this way? Or over time will these answer just come to me???

🎉

To go under the knife or not???

I have been contemplating having gastric bypass for almost 6 months now...I use to always think that if I really wanted to lose the weight I could! 

I was in a relationship where we both gained a lot of weight together and neither of us held the other accountable for our eating habits, our lack of exercise, or our over all health. 

We didn't eat horribly, we just ate way more then we should and then sat around afterwards. As the children came it just got worse. 

Well it's been 17 months since that relationship ended, I was on the right track, I had lost 60lbs, was going to the gym daily, I was loving life! 

Then I had emergency gallbladder surgery and let's just say, old ways come back way to easy. I couldn't exercise for 4 weeks, I still ate fairly well but as you start to feel like crap, your earring habits tend to follow. Needles to say the weight came back, and with xmas just around the corner life was to busy to get back to the gym (yes I know, every excuse in the book). The new year came and I said ok now to get back on the right track! Then I had my health scare and another surgery (which took a lot longer to recover from then even the doctors thought)

Needless to say, I'm sick of feeling like this, I'm sick of feeling like I'm in a rut, I'm sick if trying to lose weight just to have to come back the moment I stop exercising. I have tried everything, I have done all the right things...I just need a boost! I need the kick in the ass to get this ball rolling. 

As for the surgery, I know I should, I know I can, I'm just afraid of the what ifs!

What if it doesn't work? What if I don't recover fully? What if I lose the weight and then gain it back? They just go on and on.

Again I can come up with every excuse in the book (who would watch the kids? Who would help me?)

As much as I know I should, I don't know if I can???

This is life???

Life right now is not at its best. On the outside it looks good, heck even if I talk to you it seems good, but deep down...I'm fighting that same battle again. 

I'm sure the majority of my feelings right now are based on the fact that after a year I finally got my period BUT really it's been building for a while. 

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed, extremely alone, stressed, confused, frustrated, almost to the point I don't like who I'm becoming. 

I have finally started the ball rolling in getting some help for myself and the kids to deal with daily life, but I guess in some ways I thought it would be moving quicker? I though by know I would have some answers as to what was going to happen next?

I had a meeting with a girl who thought she would like to be out respite worker, my gut tells me she may not be right for us, but I hate to judge on first impressions. I know it drives me crazy when people do it to me!

Needles to say, I haven't heard back from her since that meeting, she was suppose to email her schedule so we could set up a meeting with the boys. I have called the coordinator back and haven't heard from her either??? I understand people are busy but even a call to say "yes, we're still looking!"

I also had a meeting with Kerry's Place last week, it also went really well. I felt so hopeful after that meeting. But now I have to wait almost a month to follow up on the grants she told me about, which then jeopardized some deadlines. 

And I'm sure your sick if hearing me "whine" but I still have the normal everyday life struggles to deal with. 

Big man is doing better most days, his behavior is good, school is good, life in general is better all around for him

 

Middle man is still a struggle. Day to day life is sooo hard and frustrating, from one moment to the next I never know what I'm going to have to deal with. Good, bad, happy, sad or ugly!

I just wish something could help, I'm sick of waiting around to do programs for him when he needs them NOW! Not 6 months from now. This child is so loving, bright, and just a kind hearted soul, but something is off, something is making the worst come out in him and 30 seconds later its gone??? I don't understand it, I don't know why or how but I want answer!

Then there's little man, oh man oh man, this child is driving me crazy! 

How can one child have soooo much energy, talk from the minute he gets up till the minute he goes to sleep (that is in the nights he does sleep), he is way to smart for his own good!

He has no fear at all, he will be 3 in July, and already he climbs fences, climbs slides, drops one liners, jumps from the club house, tops of play structures, he will try anything and everything. Needless to say, I'm soooo not use to this. My other two had to be almost force to try things but little man...that kid is crazy!

I know this is typical behavior for a "normal" child but I've  never raised one before?!?!

So on top of all that, we have our sick kids check up in a couple weeks, where every time I take little man, nothing ever gets better, but also not worse enough to actually go forth with surgery. They wanted him potty trained by this appointment but unless a miracle happens, he won't be. 

School ends in 5 weeks and this is also stressing me out. There are someday where I can't wait for Monday just to get a break from all three, the thought of 8 weeks of them 24/7 makes me sick to my stomach! And I don't say that lightly. I had these same feeling last year and it was the best summer we have ever had. But I'm just not at 100% and it shows

   

There's. blogger app?!?!

You don't even understand how excited this makes me!!! Yes I have no life!

For the last 6 months I have been writing my post in my note section on my phone and then copy and pasting into my dashboard. 

Now I can just to it here!!!! SWEET

And I can add photos know....here is a picture of the "said" Mother's Day gift that the kids made my mom, my grandmother and their step mom!

 

It's a sun catcher!!!

Super easy to make and great for any gift giving holiday!

Arrange pony beads in a metal pan (I purchased a new one incase it wrecked it and really who wants to eat out of a pan you melted plastic in)

You can make a design or get throw them in like we did

We arrange ours so that all beads were hole side up.

Once cool, You can drill a hole to tie the sting or do as we did and leave 1 bead out to make a hole! ( I was afraid it would crack if I drilled)

Preheat oven at 400 and bake for 20 mins

FYI

Metaled plastic stinks and let off fumes that should not be inhaled. If you have a BBQ or a toaster oven do this craft outside. If not (like me) make sure all your windows and doors are open and turn on kitchen exhaust fan

As the melted beads cool they will make a cracking/popping sound...don't freak out like I did thinking the pan was cracking my glass top stove!

We are planing on make some Christmas ornament using metal cookie cutter too...keep an eye out!

Thank you???

Is Thank you really that hard to say???

I'm not sure why I thought I would get one but I did?

I stepped way out of the comfort zone this weekend and helped my kids make their soon to be step mom a Mother's Day gift. It was just something small, but I did, I though long and hard about it and when my almost 3 yr old asked if he could make one for her, I said .....ummmm ok

Did I think she would acknowledge this, in some way ....yes

See the thing is, she refuses to talk to me. She has said maybe 20 words to me in the last 17 months and that happened durning a group meeting to change some guideline. 

I'm trying very hard to be the bigger person for my kids, I'm trying to make this whole thing work so we can all get along and adjust to this new "family"

We have some important events coming up in the kids lives, events that their father should be at, if the recent past shows anything that's not going to happen. BUT it should. 

I have come to terms that in order for him to be around, she will be too. And that's fine by me. 

Honestly, I see some family's where the parents get along sooooo well, they all show up for important events, they can actually go on vacations together, they can be civil when in each others presents and well I'm jealous that we can't be like that! 

I guess at this point in our lives that's all still a dream of ever happening???

Sadly

Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing moms in the world ❤ 

Wedding and kids???

A lot has happened in my life in the last 16months, more bad but some good too!

Tonight I heard the dreaded ringtone I have for my ex (the most annoying one I could find) first he tried to get out of having the kids this week....it is mothers day you know?!?!

Yes I am aware! That problem was solved, thought that was it till Saturday pick up...NOPE

Then I get another text....I wanted you to hear it from me first but I'm getting married June 1 in a private ceremony. 

My response...I already know, that the same day as Sue is having Joys bday (different names obviously but none the less it's his niece and her daughter)

His response ....oh, ok didnt realize no big deal, have a good night

Me...did you still want the kids there? Last I heard it was on may 31

Him...No big deal take them to the party.  Doesn't make sense to bring them up here then to Their house. plus keeping them still for a half hour isn't fair. 

Me....so you don't want them there then???

So now my question is: who the hell doesn't want their children at their wedding??? 

I have been trying to figure out how it would work? The older 2 would be ok but little man is another story, but need less to say...if it was me, I would make it work!

Now comes the mom in me...I want my kids to go, he is there dad and I don't ever want them to regret not being there. When he originally asked me to pull them out of school to attend a Friday wedding I wasn't sure. I was kind of in shock. I knew they had set a couple dates and canceled but he had never officially told me he was getting married. 

Yes I was hurt last June when I found out he was "engaged" at that point everything was still very raw. We had only been split up for 6 months. 

But a year later, I'm actually happy for him. ...seriously I am. 

I've always said if I didn't make you happy I hope you find someone who does, and I would hope he would do the same for me. 

But again, who doesn't want their kids to attend their wedding???

I don't get it, are they that easy to just pass off??? Are they that much if an inconvenience you couldn't  TRY and come up with a way to have them there??? 

Then to top it off, he had invited his niece (again my best friend), we have joked about her going and ya know, she could watch my kids at the wedding and I could in turn keep hers here.  We have talked about how she wants to go because its her uncle and she loves him (god knows why) but that she doesn't support the marriage. She has even talked about having her daughters party earlier in the day (a little behind that, my ex and his girlfriend are not comfortable taking my kids to one of sues kids bday party's if I'm going to be there. He's seen her kids maybe three times since we split up, I on the other hand see them monthly if not more) so that they could attend the wedding. When he found out it was the same day as joy party he basically uninvited her to attend??? 

I feel so bad for her and it breaks my heart that he can still cause this hurt to his family (my kids included) 

Maybe once he's married, he will finally grow up! Lord know having kids didn't make it happen!

What's a girl to do....

Today I received a message from a person whom I haven't talked to in almost a year. This time last year I would say she could have been consider a very close friend...almost a best friend (with enough time). 

She was one of the only people in my life that stuck around even threw my separation, she helped me pick up the pieces, put them back together and her and her husband even came over to help me out my house back together!!!

We had a falling out over what I still say was a stupid misunderstanding involving my son. 

She was watching him while I went to a "quick" meeting at work, he was almost 2 and some how, someway got ahold of her husbands laptop and apparently pulled all the keys off the board???

I to this day still don't understand it, have giving myself many headaches trying to figure it....anyways 

I told her that if the tech at his work couldn't fix it I would pay to have it done or replace it (against my better judgement). 

At this point she was so hotheaded that she said some very nasty things about my son, called him a name that under no circumstance any child should ever be called. 

So like I said it blew up from there, she then tells me she felt I was using her for childcare, ect, ect.

Seeing as I am the person that I am, she had an appointment the next day, I sent her a message and said look...I said I would watch "bobby" and I will. Your welcome to still drop him off if you want too. 

She did (of course) and when she came back from her appointment she stayed for about 30 mins after. Those were the most awkward 30 mins if my life! Including the time I went to dinner with my ex, his new girlfriend and the kids!

That was one of the last times I seen or heard from her (because we live in a small community we have run into each other in public)

So this morning I get a message. 

I will admit my heart skipped a beat with anxiety. I was very nerves to read what she had to say. 

To sum it up, she told me she had started going to church again and wanted to apologize for her anger that said day??? 

Basically it was if she was in a 12 step program and she was at that step where you need to confuse your "sin" ( her words not mine) and she felt that in order to be come one with god again she need to contact me????

That was at 9am this morning, it's now 3pm and I'm still not sure what or how to respond. She said I didn't have to answer her back, but again being who I am...I feel I do. 

For my own good! 

I do feel she needs to apologize for what she said about little man. That again she is making it all about her. 

To be completely honest, I do miss talking with her, I miss having another mom who would do stuff with me and little man. I miss seeing her son (she now has a daughter too!)

What am I to do????

Beautiful weather should be enjoyed ....right?

So as I sit outside, enjoying this beautiful weather we have has this week...I realize just how much I do missing having a man in my life.

I miss having someone around to just chat with. No have deep conversation but just those unplanned chats that happen when the kids do something cute or funny!

Someone who will sit and watch tv and you can say..."what the heck just happen" and actually get an answer

Someone asked me a while back if I missed being in a relationship...my first response was NO!

If I was ready to "date" again NO!

However I'm starting to think that answer should be yes! 

I don't think I'm ready for all the stuff that comes with building a relationship and keeping it healthy and happy...but I am ready to have someone in my life who could potentially be worth that???

If that makes sense?

I'm sure I have said before that this whole "dating" thing gives me a headache. I'm very old school in most ways...I don't do "hook up" nor do I have a large group of friends that would open opportunity for me to meet someone on a friend level. Which last time I dates that's how it happened. 

Alright I got that off my chest!

Now anyone want to come sit outside and chat while the kids run around the back yard???

This was written back the beginning of April, not ire why it didn't post??? BUT...

I sometime think I set myself up to fail??? 

My kids are BUSY, not your everyday normal kid busy....but super over the top, don't take your eyes off them for a second busy...especially my youngest

So days like today, where we have had a busy week and weekend, in order to get anything done around the house I feel like it might possible if I let the older 2 play on the computer and the youngest watch some tv. 

Which don't get me wrong, they do daily, but on the days where I have an entire house to clean (which normally I break up threw out the week to avoid this) you start thinking it will only be an hour...2 MAX!

Well guess what, that max came and went, as did I. I work on Sundays, and while I was gone for 2 hours  they stayed  on....so now there at 4hr (please done think that my youngest sits and watches tv for 4 hour cause I would be lucky if he sat for a 15 min show)

I get home from work, supper is almost ready...sure you can stay in till dinner...keeps them out from under my feet.

Well at this point...as bad as it sounds....minus about 40min for lunch, snacks and showers my older 2 have been on the computer for about 6-7hrs??? And now their not!

In the 90mins from supper to bed...I've dealt with 7 meltdowns, 2 full blow tantrums, a punching match, kicking, screaming and MAJOR tears :(

Sadly, this is mainly from just middle man ( he started new medication last week and its not going good at all)

On top of that my oldest (who has been diagnosed with Aspergers) seems to think that I need to know every step/movement/noise/bodily function that both his brothers make...and not by coming and telling me...oh no that would be way to easy...by yelling:

"Mommy....."enter name here" did "enter action here"

Do you know how many times in 1 day a 2.5 yr old with food allergies passes gas....me neither but in the last 95mins it's happen 8 times?!?!

(I know to much info...but now you get my point)

Oh ya, then there's that said farty child...I love him to death, but my lord...he is loud, busy and just plain saucy...most days and not in a good way!

So to sum this up...yes my house did get cleaned!!! But would I rather have a dirty house then relive the last 100 mins....ANYDAY!!!!

Hope you all had a great weekend!