Why is it bothering me sooo much?

I just sent a message to a friend stating that even though I would never, and I mean ever take my ex back, the fact that he is getting married in 6 days is really bothering me! 

I'm not 100% sure why, but it is. 

I thought I was good, I've know for a while (like a month) when it was happening but the closer we get to it the madder I get. 

Not sure if it was the fact we were together 14 yrs and never actually did it (thank The Lord, now!), or if its the fact that its happening so quickly? 

What does she have that that i dont to make him finally step up and do it? 

Was I really that big of a bitch, was I really that horrible, that controlling (his words not mine), that mean and ugly that he couldn't fully love me enough to actually want to marry me?

That fact that I spent almost half my life with 1 person just to have myself thrown to the curb is really starting to bother me? The fact that I was that easy to just stop loving. To walk away and never even been given a chance to "fix" what ever needed to be fixed. I have never gotten the chance to really deal with all of this and as his wedding approaches its really hitting home?

Will I ever find someone who truly loves me for me, can accept my and my children the way we are?  

I know that I need to lose weight (big time), I know that I have issues with trusting people (more so now then ever), I know that unless I start being more "sociable" I will never have an opportunity    to meet new people, however I lack the self confidence to do any of that. 

I can loose the weight, hell last year I lost 60lbs, but I will admit I tend to self sabotage. If I have that "treat" and still lose that week, then the next week I have 2???

I can go weeks with eating really really healthy, but 1 bad day and its all wash away. The worst part, I go out and eat some gross greasy food and sure it taste good in that moment, but about 15 minutes later I regret ever single bit, I feel like crap, my guys hurt, I get major heartburn and say "it was so not worth it and such a waste of money"

People start saying to me "wow you look so great, how much have you lost" and I get completely self conscious that I go home and eat something I shouldn't. 

I don't want people to pay me complements, I don't want people to notice till I feel comfortable with my own body. Ya I lost 60lbs but what most people don't understand is even then I would still have like 140lbs to get to "MY" goal weight, not the weight that the doctors say I should be. 

There are very few people I know who can understand just how hard that is to accept, how hard it is to stay motivated, and how hard it is on you body and soul to actually do this with out some kind of help (making me think of gastric bypass even more)

I know everyone wants to see me happy and healthy, enjoying life, and living it to the fullest, but there is a huge part of me that feels I've done something wrong and don't ever deserve that. That I don't deserve to have a man love me, accept me or even want to get to know me. What I have done? No idea, but its something, if someone who says he loved me for 14 years can stand me now???

Hopefully as I start the journey to better myself, for me this time, I will learn the answers...maybe the issue is that I really wasn't happy in our relationship but just to scared to take the step he choose and start over???